Today is the Birthday of Hermann Hesse.
I haven’t thought about him in years and yet at one time, I read
him and studied him and practically worship him.
I’ve read virtually everything he has every written and today,
I barely remember the plots of his books.
His books were a glorious exploration of identity and who
we are…I spent countless hours trying to imagine myself
as a character in his books. Seeing what choices I would have made…
The question becomes, how could I have forgotten writings of
of someone who was so important in my life? It is possible I
grew beyond what the books offered me? I no longer needed those
books because I no needed to understand or find my own identity?
The search for identity is far different at 57 than it is at 27 or 17.
Today, I know who I am and what is possible for me, today and tomorrow is
answered for. At 27, the future looms in a far greater way than it does today.
Today, my past extends further than my future. My mortality has
spoken to me, far clearer than it ever did in the past.
and what does the search for identity mean in terms of facing my end?
Not much.
If I were to reread Hesse would I still be as enchanted as I was all those
years ago? I doubt it. Because those questions that drove me to Hesse are
no longer questions I need answers to. Today, I need different answers and thus
I need different questions.
Today, I am an outsider and I am ok with this whereas I used to
dwell and fear being an outsider. I no longer need to fit in as I did when
I was 27. I know my place in the universe and I didn’t know that when I
was 27.
think of a place where everything is moving…the objects, the people,
the isms and ideologies, everything is moving and changing. Becoming
something different every day including me. Today, everything is still moving
but something has stopped moving and that is me. I am the fixed point in the
universe for me. I don’t need to account for me in the universe. I can think about
all those moving parts of the universe but I don’t have to take me into account.
That is the beauty of being 57. many people take the fixed point of the universe
as being god, but I don’t have to take that dramatic step into wishful thinking.
I can be objective about the universe in a way that wasn’t possible when
I was 27. I stand in one spot and the universe revolves around me and I
can take it for what its worth. Much of what happens out there I just ignore
because I don’t care… An attack in … doesn’t wound me as much
as it used to because I look to the deeper meaning, not the symptoms as
any of those terror attacks are symptoms of something, but they
are not the cause and I look at what is the cause. Remember, I believe
everything is connected and by being connected, you can
begin to connect things and idea’s and ideologies and thus you
begin to see the deeper meaning of the universe. Most people take
one isolated event and work with that… but we don’t have isolated
events, we have connected events. One event connects another
person, place and other events and those connect to other people,
places and other events. When you look at the universe, you are just seeing
one line of a circle which if you follow that circle, you come back to
yourself. We live in that circle and events occur in that line of the circle
which surround you but you are a part of that circle and everything is a part
of that circle.
I am secure in my identity and I am part of the circle.
I am not as much of an outsider as I thought.
Kropotkin