lizbethrose wrote:anon wrote:lizbethrose wrote:But I do feel that people who pursue non-monogamous relationships either don't know themselves well enough, don't trust themselves well enough, and/or don't see a person beyond her/his public persona well enough to look for anything else.
What's your basis for this view, Liz?
My own thoughts, I suppose, anon--and my experiences with people around me--and, by non-monogamous relationships, I mean, going from one relationship to another rather than having more than one intimate relationship at the same time. That's a kind of serial monogamy, with or without marriage. Having more than one intimate relationship at the same time is a psychological thing I don't think I'm qualified enough to talk about.
If a person goes through serial monogamy, breaking one affair off, then starting another, couldn't that indicate not being able to decide what it is you want in a relationship? I may be naive, but I think it does. If you know yourself, you should know what you want. But a lot of people don't know what is really basic in/to themselves. Or they think they know, but change their minds after a while. People who don't trust themselves may know what they want, but they have a niggling fear that maybe they don't know themselves or maybe they don't really know their partners well enough take on anything other than a temporary commitment. The last part of my statement is a toughie--I might only have written it because I like things to come in threes. Sometimes these people are in love with the thought of being in love and of being 'loved' by someone else. They can't see beyond that--and they project it into not only their own public persona; but, also, into their partner's persona. I was like that when the first man who appeared serious (in that he asked me to marry him) said he wanted to marry me. This was on our first date! We didn't have an intimate relationship--in any way--including talking about what was important to our 'selfness.' We never shared each other. And yet, that kind of sharing was and is basic to me.
That 'sharing of selfness' is the basis of monogamy, imm. It's what "marries" a couple.
Looking back over you initial comment, I realize I missed the importance of the word "pursue", as in "people who pursue non-monogamous relationships". So I'm more on board with your thoughts than I was at first. I still have reservations though. I mean, what's so special about a monogomous relationship with one person, anyway? You can talk about "sharing of selfness", but "successful" monogomous relationships involve a turning inward, away from meaningful active participation in the broader world. And that active participation could, in theory, involve sexual intimacy with more than one person. Monogomous relationship could be seen as essentially selfish - a hoarding and controlling of intimacy.