Dear Everyone,
I am here today to suggest that all Athiests congregate and create a formal church of the Athiest and make Athiesm a formal Religion. There are those that vehemently oppose the thought of Athiesm being declared an actual Religion and in support of this nonsensical opposition, they cite that Athiests do not actually believe in anything. I would first like to declare that the statement is wrong, any negative statement can be turned into a positive, so we can say that Athiests believe there is not a God.
Thiests also suggest that Athiests do not have faith in anything. This can be opposed by stating that Athiests have faith that there is not a God, otherwise Pascal’s Wager would look far more attractive to them.
It is very important to note, that unlike other Religions, Athiesm does not necessarily need to actively, “Win,” converts. Consider this, many people that were of other Religions may wake up one day and question their own faith in whatever God or Gods they have. Athiests did not cause them to do this. Unlike other Religions where the concept of God, or at least certain definitions of God are created by man, the Athiests did not create lack of God. This is obvious when it is considered that for something not to exist, it cannot be created because if it was created, then it would exist. However, for someone to convert to Christianity, one must read, hear, see or touch Christ in some way to know of Christ even conceptually, this empirical data is not required to not believe in a God.
It is very important, however, that Athiesm become a Religion that way certain benefits such as tax-exemption from State and Local Sales taxes become attainable for Athiest functions. As it stands, people who are on official Athiest business or making official Athiest purchases are unfairly paying sales taxes that other Religions do not have to pay and are therefore costing themselves money. Furthermore, official Athiest property is also being subject to unfair taxes.
The question has often been asked, if they are a Religion or Church, why do they not gather? The simple answer is, yes, Religious Persecution. If you think certain Religions have it badly in Western Society now, just try erecting a Church of Athiesm, I guarantee you some half-whacked Jehovah’s Witness burns that bad boy down in less than a day. In addition to that, cops would unfairly Judge based on Religious Beliefs and be sitting outside of the place pulling people over completely at random just assuming they did something. It would be like 2a.m. at the bar that sits in the middle of nowhere but is just within city limits!
Thanks to the expanding of this mass communication network known as the Internet, however, it is possible for Athiests to congregate on Message Boards to spread the Non-Word. There are other ways Athiests can get the word out there as well, and for this cues must be taken from Christian Religions, because if nothing else, they are good sales people.
Athiests, for example, could behave such as the Jehovah Witness or the Mormon and simply go door-to-door:
“Good afternoon, sir, my name is David Andrews from the Second Reformed Babylonian Church of Athiesm and I wanted to see if you could spare a moment to talk. I understand that like everyone else you lead a very busy life, but have you ever had the opportunity to sit down with someone and talk to them, as a friend, about the complete absence of a God? You see, sir, you don’t need to have a God to accept into your life provided you simply accept your life. Now, in seven half-hour sessions I can have you ready to pay a visit to the Church of the Athiest whereupon the secrets to getting your head out of your ass will be shown to you.”
There are also other ways to go about it, for instance, you could pay thousands of dollars as the Christians do to place pamphlets that get stuck unnoticed in the windshield wipers of cars and result in $500 littering tickets when they fly out in the middle of the highway.
Or, you could recruit an Army such as The Gideons to disseminate your Religious materials in hotels, motels and inns across the entire world! Of course, your book will probably not be quite as long as the Bible, but it will still serve to get someone through a particularly nasty session on the toilet.
The most important way you can give, though, is from the heart. And, by the heart, I mean, wallet. You can only learn to make people do this through careful observation, though. Go to a Catholic Church, notice how on a slow day they move all the people toward the front and close together prior to the offering. Have to get that peer pressure going on, oh shit, is the guy sitting next to me pulling out a ten!? Do I even have a ten!? Two fives!? Damn, my suit has to be at least $200 more than this guy’s, I need to pull out at least a twenty, here. GODDAMNIT!!! I only have a fifty, why didn’t I stop at the gas station?
Of course, those are only the obvious ways to earn Athiest converts and money for the Chruch of the Athiest, but there are other ways that you, YE$ YOU, can further the cause of this Church. For 4 easy payments of just $69.99 plus Shipping and Handling and State Tax (We’re working on that) where applicable, you can get, “How to Win Converts and Cash,” on VHS or DVD.
But wait, that’s not all…
If you call within the next twenty minutes, we’ll throw the new book by the Non-Prophet, Matt Anthony, titled, “Athiesm, It’s Just as Marketable,” this book will share inside secrets of Athiesm, Christian Religions and will also demonstrate how Scientology created its vast financial empire.
But, “You have to call in the next twenty minutes, because we can’t do this all day folks!”*
By creating your own Athiest Church, you can rake in the dough and this is your chance to get in on the ground floor, so make sure to take advantage of this tremendous offer.
We accept MasterCard, Visa, Discover, American Express and Diner’s Club. We also accept Money Orders, sorry, no Checks or C.O.D.'s.
*This quote is actually taken directly from the ShamWow commercials starring Vince, the ShamWow guy. He’s hilarious. You should also look out for his infomercial about the SlapChop, in it he takes an old school cheese-grater and throws it into a sink behind him, behind-the-back, no-look and over the shoulder. One take.
(Everything above is a complete joke and is meant to be taken as such)