This is the best argument against Special Relativity ever, by PK Dick.
The failure of the famous Michelson-Morley experiment in 1881, in which the absolute velocity of the Earth moving through luminiferous ether proved to be zero, gave rise to Einstein’s Relativity Theory, which holds that the concept “absolute velocity” is meaningless. However, scientists at UCLA, using more sophisticated laser techniques, have suggested a more probable significance of the null result: that in fact the Earth does not move and that Copernicus was a crypto-Pythagorean determined to vindicate an ancient and discredited heliocentric solar system model. In a meeting of Southern California astronomers and astrophysicists it was proposed that 1) the geocentric solar system be restored as the proper model, and 2) that Copernicus be dug up and admonished. As a side issue, Einstein will be regarded with mild disfavor and some amusement, but scientists attending the meeting could not agree on the amount of amusement to be formally proposed.
Since jonquil loves to be amused and never bored by stupid old facts, good science, and real history, this will now become her official view of the world in a most special and relative pre-Newtonian light as well since, as far as she knows, gravity is just a phantasm anyway. Thus, she advises all travelers to take extra precautions by wearing dragon-proof clothing and packing shoes with suction cups on the bottom when visiting the Antipodes. Furthermore, she plans to organize a bonfire of the pedantries where participants with their propeller beanies can clap and sing to the tune of Stars and Stripes Forever under red, white, and blue painted zeppelins floating in the smoke.