Ier,
If you don’t mind me asking, what do you do for a living? And how do you find motivation to do it, and get through it, every day [assuming you work the standard, 40 hour work week]? I ask because work is something I struggle with to no end. I’m not lazy and I don’t dislike people or responsibility. But I have worse days than others, sometimes even weeks or months, wherein I become very withdrawn and the malaise is overwhelming. Simple, cordial conversation with coworkers, alone, is …brutal. I fight with myself nearly every morning about going in. But the ‘machine’ has no sympathy for a damaged gear, let alone understanding or tolerance. Either keep things running smoothly or you’ll be replaced. Nobody is going to look out, or speak up, for me, and I sure as hell don’t go around broadcasting my personal issues. So, I act …poorly.
The worst part is my company mandates “fun”, which essentially boils down to team-building exercises blown way out of proportion. Take around 200 people [90% of which take these events far too seriously], squeeze them all into a conference room filled with snacks and beer, break them up into teams, and have them each perform goofy fucking skits or play pointless games [of some random ‘theme’] in front of all their coworkers. This is not “fun” for me. In fact, it is downright horrifying. And not only do they mandate these things as part of the work day, but they take attendance and watch the doors and elevators for people leaving early. I’ve literally had to go sit in the bathroom during these events before, just to keep it together. Lately, I just haven’t been able to do it. I’d rather use the time for actual work, but that isn’t an acceptable excuse. People notice too, and aren’t bashful about calling others out. If they find out you aren’t participating like they think you ought to, they kick the “fun” up a notch by calling you out publicly and making a spectacle of you for everyone’s amusement, like a little fucking marionette. That is not a fun, nor tolerable, state of affairs to me. I don’t want any part of it whatsoever…
EDIT: I forgot to mention that one of these events is actually taking place today, in a couple hours. The anxiety has already made my perception very surreal. Not a feeling I’m unfamiliar with by any means, but maybe one some of you can relate to.