My WiFi adapter in my laptop is going out, so don’t mind my absences from here if you do mind them. I’m not homeless, yet; to update that knowledge for you. My sister is letting me stay with her for a bit and I’m hoping to get a job soon. I have been busy with writing, though.
A Conversation With Darkness
(darkness starts the conversation and it alternates (in case you couldn’t figure it out on your own))
death will come to you
ye who waits with baited tongue
for chance to scorn with tainted love
truth for all lies consumed
exhumed within like graves of deadmen; deadwomen
dead children of dead enlivened, alive again
a world of nonsense in which you are encased
like so much rust on the brain, diseased thought trains
raising high your self like some king of kingdom come
on earth and his will be done
but a charlatan of hypocrisy for judgment repressed
truth of self giving bad digest
and this I say to you; you so self-stated master of self
you con artist of self, master of illusionary gains
while the world around you you perceive to writhe in pain
while pain itself is the greatest gain against which you fight in vain
fight in vain for vanities sake, your own vanity
to be a hero-never wanted, a lover never taken
yet taken you were, loved you were and by them you had forsaken
a coward and a fool whose courage has seen you through nothing
nothing at all and you claim wisdom from nonsense
insanity clogging your mind as I speak through you
I, the invisible entity from which your brilliance is contrived
and upon your shit-pile of a life that you made for your self
when all others actually made lives for themselves
what of your will except to see the world burn
tear it apart because of the ‘truth’ you hold in your heart
that drives you to destroy as much as you claim to want to build
something greater, it becomes worse
living the lie of self-conceived ‘great’ men
who find themselves within hallucinogens, fevered visions
is that where you are, where you are like to go?
and with reason against reason you have railed
for what sense, to what extent
you claim yourself not better but better than everyone else
and who can solve that riddle dear sir, answer me that
a contradiction in terms? no, you made your self that
nobody told you to be anything like that at all
and yet through disjointed mental planes you saw your self
and pieced together a monster instead of a man
destroyed truth and gave lie a face, a beast with a plan
Is that all you have to say to me
you beast disguised with reason, with false reasoning do you weigh
and give unto me as truth with a beautiful face
mimicing me as I learn from you
or am I mimicing you as you learn from me
or do we learn at all, where together we did fall
and if I were to say such contradictions of self
should not you wonder how I found heaven through such hell
was it contrived then, a lie I told my mind to bend
beyond reason to love something that should be hated
my self when I have been tested and weighted and fated
to living such life in a current I struggled against
and then struggled to understand, what I had to accept and take in hand
rise up against impossible odds of the mind
as voices and emotions did weigh me down with thoughts of death
death for which I have yet to face; death which I must some day take with me to a final rest
and where will you be then, you scornful scorner
you mockery of the faithful, of the light filled
and say to me that I am filled with shadow
yet such filling was by design and compliments the glow
of light found within, that subtle and intricate wealth
of spirit infused with balance and so I did grow
but where were you when I needed you
there was God and he saw me through
but you, you voice of an instrument of destruction
have plagued me with thoughts maddening, yet cessant
and often I have claimed them to be incessant, to trouble me without end
until I found the truth behind them, found mental clarity through them
a contradiction in terms or a contradiction found to be consistent when unwound and stretched along the ground
to fill in holes unseen which might trouble and sprain peoples ankles and feet
where are you then, but forcing people to focus on something other than their surroundings
so that their feet find those holes in the ground that I would fill
and tripping them up, causing them to lose more metaphorically as their cups do spill
over and giving rise to that tormenting voice that for some instances seems correct reason
do vent with negativity and with curses on their tongues do lament
the hole that caused them to trip instead of their own clouded vision
for such vision should be clear and yet is not for you are there
and you are there yet the vision is clear for those who are able
to feel around, give testament to more than the cocophony of senses recognized
as constant and tried and tested senses, yet you’re still bound by some form of rope or cable
to some existence you have wound into some sort of self-confessing fable
as we look at the world around us, see it tumble and fall into place beside us
watch it spill along the ground and into the holes only to fit unwell
and seeing your work unwound around us all, who can say that your work was done well at all
a simple job to do and yet you have consistantly failed
to keep people down, from keeping the peace, from keeping the world in a constant state of chaos
just let go and let it be done; let it be over-
let me interrupt you, boy
I don’t do this as a job or as a favor, but for pleasure
you think I corrupt and entice, but I only show you the truth of your self
what you would be, what you could be and ultimately what you should be
for it is wild and it is survival of the fittest animal
savage garden you claim it and find it beautiful
and yet you would tame that animal, take away its fangs
now I never said that at all, if you would just listen-
but I do listen, and I’m tired of listening to your lies as you confound a multitude of others
confuse them with abstract thoughts as you show a man across the lines and divided not by them
giving true chaos to an order intricate and tried by time
maybe you’re just afraid that not enough time has been given to see the full extent
of what you have created and you have become bent
on that one defining factor, that maybe you did it wrong…
but then you find yourself here with me again, insulting me
as if you don’t think I have thought of you thinking that thought for thoughtful diligences sake
but you are a phony, a charlatan and a fake
not a wise man at all, but one twisted and fighting himself
look at you type on this laptop as if you have something to say
look at you argue with your self in poetic fashion for your own sake
to try to bring to rest and give peace to some imagined eternal conflict
that you think with a childs simplicity plagues the world
yes, I do and don’t think that I’m unaware of such
that I’m unaware of the insanity inherent within when viewed by others
and yet I will share it with others, whether you want me to or not
what should they think when my brilliance shows such not to be a lost cause
that it can be fought; that it can be won
hah, a fool are you if you think such can be won
such unrest within ones self only destroys and is never ‘fun’
but there I digress and lie because fun is found regardless and can you even tell
a difference between your self and your self
isn’t that what you are seeking to do
to reinvent people and voices inside your own mind
and attribute personality to them in truth
while you chatter away in your brain with the mark of the insane
barely able to stop your self from reacting openly and out loud
what can you say to me, what can you do to me other than refine me and define me
and is that not what I choose to do, is that not my pursuit, you fool?
to give rise to both what is dark and what is light, to walk through twilight
and show a balance that has yet to be found in men
to rise up and give testament
to something better than any other, better than most of them?
and should you not rest in silence at such a sight
yet here you contest me in a new way, which I meet with delight
and laugh with excitement a bit inside
even while pressed with the need to see it through
here I am, where again are you?
inside of you, you fool; a part of you
and if you think me any different than that, then you are misguided; a tool
for some ‘thing’ contrived by many other half-assed idiots
and therein I must conclude that you’ve ran out of steam
ran out of ways to bash against my reason with false reason
have learned a lot and so I must give tribute
to say to you, good effort, keep it up; I don’t see my self as any better than you
just something learning and growing, something that may have inspired you
fired you up and gave you reason to try something new
or something you might have forgotten
(motherfucker, I’m you)
Are you? I see no proof of it. Your voice is inside of my mind
you are inside of me, but perhaps that’s not the end of the story
perhaps there are more possibilities that some would count as foolish
You confound me, you confuse me; you plague and torture me
and to which I must conclude, you must be infatuated with me
love me dearly; something you would hate to lose
(fuck you, I dance alone; fuck you)
yet here we are dancing together, are we not
creating art in the midst of chaotic insanity
and I find it filled with honest beauty
something that came together from fractured consciousness
and so I blow you a little kiss
and say to you, good luck, and don’t give up before it’s finished.
(fuck you)
Conversing with Death
what are you?
death.
what are you doing here
killing time.
cute.
is it?
No, that’s sarcasm
why are you sarcastic?
is that death asking a question?
forget it.
what are you looking for?
A way to give up my job and walk away
have you found it?
yes
what is it?
it’s you.
Why?
because you’re you
what does that mean?
You are you and so I have found my answer
how does me being me free you from your job
too complicated to answer
don’t give me that bullshit
I refuse to answer
fair enough
is it?
not really, it doesn’t satisfy
answers rarely do
what will you do after your job is over?
pass it on to you
why would you do that?
…
why would you pass your job on to me?
because it’s fitting
fitting?
to cause you to be contrary to your self, it would be funny
why do you assume it’s contrary to my self?
…
I will not be death
you will not be death
death will keep its job
death will forsake its job
when?
when you become death
then death would keep its job
except you forsake it, too
then someone else comes along…
and they do a horrible job
yet the job is still done
you don’t understand
such are conversations with death where death is unrevealing
touche
care to say anything further?
no.
is that all you came here for?
no
what else?
to watch you, you’re interesting
how so?
unrevealing; for you to figure out
isn’t that a way of saying to exercise my vanity?
yes, hahaha
what will you do after giving up your job?
stop killing
and grant people immortal life?
in a manner of speaking
you’re dodging the answer
maybe there is no answer
there is always an answer
is there?
yes.
then answer everything
not everything needs to be answered
question everything
not everything requires questioning
you questioned me
you presented your self for questioning
Countless Worlds
There are countless worlds inside of me
to be explored, to be found again in mystery
countless worlds inside of us; all of humanity
worlds we experience within this world we know as reality
worlds we share, some times we don’t
worlds we take part in and of to shape as we go
together we grow, together we define and build
together, naturally, mixing and binding as we still
a darkened tide that shifts and thunders with cold-stone
where heroes are legend, magic is livened
and in between this world and the next is where we go before we awaken
to mass reality, dull monotony; rabid withered harmony
where, in the wild, men and women still live and breathe
within society that exists in spite of society for sake of community
where community exists in spite of greed, in spite of insanity
and together in darkened channels of void-abyss filled matter
within our brains when pushed to the limit they activate to full potential
indescribably connecting through various nerve endings different channels
of mind-altering concoctions to bring us together
to create these worlds throughout our culture
and I’m in every single one of them
in one way or another, sometimes countless
seeing my self in so many people; seeing them in me
from rounded personality to personality assimilated randomly
to bring countless faces and phrases alive inside
in different forms and functions to guide and instruct
and to which do I count myself so lucky
as to find invisible connections of essence made manifold
energy coalescing to become data in large amounts, untold
fractions of insane connecting traction through space and time
mental masturbation of colliding wills within the folds; watch them shine
with golden energy anew as these worlds are brought to life in front of our eyes
when behind our eyes in those dark abysses and voids they grew and became what we knew
fractals of our spirits, fractions of our reality fissioning off to create alternate copies
heroes and villains that exist inside of us because they have to
for repressions sake, creating masterpieces so beautiful across the cultural landscape
life a muse for which art is a muse for which creation is but a stepping stone
to telling a story that, for all its turns and underfolds can not be told
and to which this is just another stepping stone from ideas to idea
with undercurrents beneath the writing catching you as you go
words unsaid and thoughts unthought and yet said and thought all the same
to which do we create this stain of pain upon our brains
and is that not a simplistic rhyme to craft within this world of worlds
with a multitude of connections, I find those ones often while others few
same as applied to different things, rhymes being applied to numbers and science, too?
and infinite other things in reality around us, we find certain things often and others few
until enough of some is had to generate a new round of growth all around in so many things
and now you’re growing inside of you alongside all the others, giving your power to inner thinking
creating worlds with your thoughts in circular fashion, creating dust that blows in aether winds
across multiple dimensions of countless possibilities
creating the building blocks for someones elses paved walkways
creating life and trees that blow in a twisting reality we all love and know
somewhere inside of our selves where anything and everything goes
where we pass each other likes strangers, yet still say hello
greet each other like friends yet never lament being alone
to which do we owe more to, man the animal detached or nature to which the animal is still attached
caught again to create fractals of thought for the sake of growth
And where do we go when caught up in the moment we become
moving like angels or demons, effortlessly through the landscape
for all the stories we did consume, the realities we did imbibe and partake of
for all the life experiences we did commit our selves to learning
to getting in depth in, allow the feeling of and the deep emotion taking root
to get in the moment of these stories and other worlds as they come to life around us and through us
and feel the emotionality and vibrational connections found within the multitude
and not just them, but between others, too
I will take you on a journey through the horizons and pastures of the mind
over the tallest peaks and through the lowest valleys, through hidden passages and darklit recesses
where the mark of man has yet to be found, through the darkest parts of our oceans blue
and rise again above the skies above to soar the oceans of stars, through galaxies near and far
through pleasure and pain, through war and peace we’ll reign
as gods and guardians of the mental domain
countless worlds through which to soar and find hidden connections
countless worlds inside us all worth meeting and keeping alive, cultivating
countless worlds where madness never touched and dark denizens dare not trod
and countless worlds where they reign supreme and where fights are still fought
if not for our world should we learn, then for the countless underworlds to come to peace
and in dark nightmares should we take the unexpected routes, find our selves in moonlit pastures
beyond the pain and torture that should be there would we find instead some hidden pleasure
of contentedness, never twisted or confused for something else
heaven beyond that which hell we’ve made for our selves in our own minds
through countless worlds we’ll tread and find our selves in again and again
in countless ways, seeing similarities in so many others just like us
in situations we may never be in and yet have been in similar all the same
but this is where I leave you for now, to go create more connections in more realities
and more worlds in more stories; more probable possibilities
if you dare; if you don’t scare; then see you on the other side of the waking mind
The Fight
As long as I live this life I’ll fight this fight
never give up, never back down, never act like a bitch or a clown
that backs down from his words after they’re spoken or actions after they’re acted
out in the open like no one ever before, watch it spin out of control
and then back into control through universal moments beyond our knowledge
and experience shows that it’s right, somehow it’s right even though it feels wrong some times
and isn’t that the way the world goes, that reality shows
itself through each of us, traumatic, memetic, experiences combined and shared and multiplied
and the fight against it all just becomes me
never picked a side, never wanted to; was just too pathetic to be
accepted by anyone else; outsider; and so they pretended
like the way they treated me was correct, like it was okay
but I used it to catapult myself further, make myself great
wanted to give up so many times it’s not even funny
but pushed myself forward, found answers thrown at me by life
in ways that many would just lie about or try to deny
and I throw down against all comers; against all sides
whenever they feel like bucking up, whenever they feel like attacking
and I attack back when I can from a stable ground
of reason and sense and self control
fighting an ultimate and epic fight
while trying to just live my life
a pity for the romantically inclined
and yet married to it without a ring on my hand
just a roll of the dice for a gambling man
whose gambles take him higher for the risks he takes are few
and the gambles he makes aren’t for gain, but just to experience
fighting for something intangible, entirely unexplainable
waking up to reality profound; thoughts and perceptions unbound
and laid out all around like so much… words can not express
the way it comes and goes and the way I feel reality as it flows
through me and around me like music in art and in so many variations
where music is just a word and all life becomes it in so many fashions
where it becomes beautiful when viewed as a whole and in the correct order
bouncing from moment to moment and seeing the linearity of non-linear time and flowment
and the fight I fight is for those who get lost in insanity
reaching forth to try the best I can to help out
both physical and out loud and in my mind, mental
using telepathy and psychic powers if they exist
and if they don’t then I can rest content that I tried and took it serious
for the possibility that might have existed and could exist that we might have repressed
tried too much and in the wrong ways to hold back
and this fight becomes much too real at times
when the voices surround and attack and seek to drag me down
like so many forms of art in so many varying creatures
where the darkness swirls and then I become it
become filled by it and shine again anyway
become a swirling vortex of light and darkness
twilight paths trod and balance found in chaos
would you be able to believe a thing I talked about or a thing I said
would you be able to extend the benefit of the doubt to give a try
to something unexplainable, unprovable, to find truth for your self?
I love this life and this reality and love it all regardless even through the hate and the pain
and I love the fact that it learns from me with each attack as I learn from it
and we push each other to greater heights and I might just be the first human in a long time
to give it reason to push aside negativity in its own subconscious and universal mind
a universal living reality existing in so many varying facets of our own minds
destroying sanity in some and yet in the strong…
cultivating it prominantly and it becomes seen as genius in similar minds
that have been too afraid to speak their minds
afraid to accept truth in all its forms
caught up too much in horrible thought processes
and so I continue the fight in roundabout fashion
and swirl it together, blend it all until it becomes something managable
learning as I go and yet knowing exactly what I’m doing
working it out in ways to explain with the words I use
to explain to people in various ways in various methods
the things I experience as if I’m driven to
and I feel it coming and going, ebbing and flowing
in so many formats and so many waves upon waves and through waves in so many ways
wrapping me up and sending me through in different motions and different rhythms
and it all breaks down to the same lessons applied to so many different things
and yet it never gets old, never gets stale; just goes on and becomes furthering of thoughts
pushes you forth to imagine more and see further, to live anew
to get caught up and lost in thought until you no longer get lost and enjoy the journey
and then appreciate life all the better when you’re you again and able to see instead of being wrapped up in your mind
loving it all as if some unspoken and unbroken rhyme some times without rhyme
some unsung melody or untold story
perhaps the greatest romance or adventure never told
perhaps some great cosmic joke never spoken out loud
and yet heard all the same, enjoyed in the brain
some unheard words floating in the back and going along with whatever flow you’re in
finding the rhythm as it goes and becoming the fight itself
becoming martial arts in all its forms, in mental subconscious strains
becoming art itself and peace again through endurance struggles
adding to the mystery and the history of life itself
passed down in memetic legacy from self to self
and back around to us all in more varied forms
and all we are are dust in the winds of time
or are we the winds in the sands of time
blowing but never settling, gracing yet never truly co-existing
and yet some form of harmony is still found in the shifting
that happens so randomly and against the best predictions
obscuring the fight and bringing the fog of war to our minds
to prevent clarity of thought to make it fair, or so it seems to me some times
for I find life to be perfectly fair and only understood why it is so later on and after the fact
because when you understand what you’re going to do in your life, everything else just makes more sense
unless of course some lies have been told and accepted full-scale
but isn’t that just the fight I fight? against all the wrong for all the right
and what is it this time except some new take on the same old things
some new perception of growth that still embraces change and balance
and forces people to face their consequences
Tribute
How do I tell my story
rolling through the abyss
stopping once in a while to fight the darkness
whenever confronted by it
how do I tell my story of those worlds
traversed and known and from them I learned
where words can be placed in any order
and still be understood
where reality unfolds from within reality
and lays over the top
only to jump back and do it again
of the rebounding echoes and lesser voices
that sit there and talk amongst themselves
carry on conversations as if they were me
only to be interrupted and put in place
whenever they deviate
how do I tell the stories that were locked inside
of different lives, different perceptions
overdrive, then underdrive, both at the same time
mixed in with various receptions from different conceptions
with words and actions voiced from different directions
where I travel from deep to shallow
and back again, spreading out and high and low
spherical and then star-shaped
go to frazzle bursts of sound and light
and then bring it back into a sphere to a cube
shaping something, and then the other things
traveling time and space and counting nameless face
no names and no faces, though familiar voices arise
and then disappear into the coming tides
how do I tell these stories
how do I say what’s inside of me
only giving tribute; only giving a base due
only telling a partial fraction of a partial fraction
of passing fractals within fractals becoming back doors
to other fractals and then back again, over and under
like some sort of dance in the mind of some sort of rhythm that is sublime
directionless, shapeless and then all too soon having direction and shape
all too soon back again
and then nice and slow and easy only to slow down too much
enjoying a moment of insanity in either extreme
and then the extremes of the middles of the ends of the beginnings of…
back and forth and then over and around and back through again
to another memory moment, another infringement of the abyss
stare too long and it stares back
insane is insane but what is sane, what is that
and how do we explain or begin to communicate
what goes on inside our brains
should we bother, should we try
when so many are confused and so compartmentalize
can there be too much not enough of excess recess in repress of deepest depress regress
if not sense made be can we not down look or up fly sky the beyond
soar through trees and escape from a not-so-hidden pond
rollercoaster rides and space-time heights
down through darkness and back to light
and dark with lights on and light within darks arms
in moonless skies where comfort still comes in sight
even when all else is withheld from your eyes
and if I forgot where I’d been and where I was going
all to remember again and then continue the story
would you love me or hold it against me
hate me and turn against me, turn away with disgust in your face
only to do the same on some cloudless night looking up to being lost in space
through the shifting realities of the mental frontiers
find yourself looking for some substance to land on
but finding nothing having to continue on to see new things that are all the same familiar
reminding you again just like I was once and will be some time
through past and future connections and countless voices
that, aside from the times they are annoying and burdensome, become quite helpful
to supply things I need when I need them, they choose certain times not to be resentful
for countless worlds lost in the folds of my own mind
within realities around realities through the very essense of this one
that we claim to coinhabit and yet can’t quite prove it yet
for all the trauma drama that exists and never could quite be undone
so to tomorrows yesterday and yesterdays past today we’ll go together
maybe some times in some ways in some figments past or future
come together and see each other through various incongruous thoughts
through inconsistent and orderless words find each other all the same
in some distorted version of something we thought we knew
only to find our way back again to what we did know with something new
an outlook and deep look at all that is around us
a question brimming our minds we can never quite frame
and swirling vortexes of communications rebound through the deepest recesses
and the sound is soothing at times, something I can fall asleep to
feeling connected beyond my means to a multitude, to even other versions of me and you
countless beyond countless imagine depths and in moments of clarity
can see it all unfold and be something greater and grander for all the ambiguousity
and I never saw it at all until I learned to clear my mind
or was it more than just my mind
these insane thoughts I love to think about
when they aren’t pressing me with forced perception to them
and I can mimic those forced perceptions to look through countless doors
to possibilities unfolded and showed in full
and how they might fit together, this I see in my minds eye
and how can I tell the full story of the fights I fought
of what happens in the darkness behind the shroud of my conscious mind
where it blacks out purposefully what it wants to hide
even from myself and so I must find
it all out for myself as it unfolds in due time
even my own life as others have done, how do I tell those stories
of countless lives lived in one, not even to mention the mental ones
and how they all fit together in myriad connections
the ins and outs I’m learning as I go as I learn more and more
but the only way to truly communicate it is to experience it
maybe it’s all just make-believe and pretend
but I like the way it brings itself to me and makes me believe
helps me to extend the benefit of the doubt that it wasnt created by me
these fragments of thoughts that all connect in one layer of thought or another
and me only seeing brief glimpses of it as I travel through one and then another layer
through layers, with layers, back and forth coming and going
and the words and ideas and time areas lay over each other
intricately weaving something so majestic as to defy explanation
and yet I can’t help but try to give tribute as best I can