Itâs that time again. Itâs been 3 months since I did my strictly caffeine drug diet, and now itâs time for another round. This will be the second last one. So what should I do this time: strictly cannabinoids or strictly alcohol?
Well, Iâm thinking that since Season 3 of Rick and Morty come out this summer, and since Iâm fond of watching them for the first time stoned, I think Iâll go with the cannabinoids. Though Roiland and Harmon keep pushing the season premier back, and thereâs no word on a release date anywhere on google, it may not come out until the fall or even winter. But just in case, Iâd like to be able to watch it stoned.
Do drugs. You want drugs. You want them. Theyâre calling to you. You love them. They love you. They called 50 times in the middle of the night that one time they were all cracked out, didnât you get the messages? Of course you did, you responded, because you needed the action. You were sexually frustrated, they promised a good time. Like the sucker you are, you thought you could get back together with an ex-lover without the drama. Itâs knocking on your door with a baseball bat, now. COME OUT MOTHERFUCKER, it yells. You called the police three times already but theyâre having none of it. Theyâre urging you to take your medicine.
You know there has to be someone playing devils advocate whether youâre keeping to your experiment or not. Not that itâs needed at times. Honestly, man, not to sound like a moralistic prick, but one of the moralistic reasons I got more into drugs was with the intent of doing them until I died and moderating them just for myself and at the same time because Iâm partially capable of it and because Iâm crazy and I like challenges and it doesnât matter if I fail or succeed because direct failure and success canât be measured, if my getting into drugs and doing what Iâm doing enables others to break free from their addictions, itâs just them going to a more favorable flavor of life thatâs becomes another variety of the same thing, but good intent still applied. Other reasons not so moralistic is I like drug, Iâm having fun riding the worst aspects of the so-called devil drugs into the dust and kind of working towards a tapering off of the lessons in abuse, if possible, noting that a lot of things donât have a choice all the time, but the choice still makes a difference when itâs capable of it.
At the same time, if people are able to pull off other experiments that become possible by the change in balancing acts; then thatâs pretty cool as long as they remember that whatever data they collect from it would be personal data, probably not wide-spread applicable, but still pretty cool.
At the point of just not caring that Iâve been easily, not-so-easily portrayed as an uncaring individual, I just canât be bothered to be a constant asshole even when Iâm not driven by the pressure to fight a fight impossible to stick to with getting twisted and depraved if allowances werenât made. The fact that some things easily take that to then put others into and through just as bad spots isnât anything I can stop and I never even tried to. A lot of my point over the years has been that things happen regardless of what others allow. I have been forced to fight a fight against people while we were forced to perceive each other as enemy combatants of stereotypes we were railing against. Itâs not even a lack of morality or for a greater purpose other than because they can and because they enjoy the power. Even if they have to shoulder the extra burdens of those who tried to mimic the massconsciousness to claim individuality on a grand scale, those individual beings still wield power and still are masters of craft, so to speak. Itâs the fact that when the paranoia is pared away, nobody truly believes the world to be ruled and governed by corruption, it just often relies too heavily on it being governed by some sense of right or wrong that it canât even correctly identify half the time for arguments long-winded and tiring and things still needing outlets for fighting, angst, aggression and the continued necessity of having those things on hand whether needed or not.
So, Iâm relatively at a point of doing right by my torturers and saying that Iâve just got no hard feelings for anything or anyone right now and it isnât one of those lost in fantasy or being high types of feelings, but generally and genuinely because I want to because good moods still prevail at times even over the worst. True joy and happiness were found in a desolate wasteland, in all metaphorical ridiculousness as can be afforded the imagery. For sheer lack of anything to bitch about for having ran everything to the full extent of its course, for having maximized every venting pleasure, every twisted thought, every single paranoia to the utmost, in the seeming silence that follows such a sheer amount of expression comes peace and calm in varying stages and true happiness even in a barren wasteland where you can still know every horrible thing and realize that you feel good anyway without having to feel better than anyone, without having to make fun of anyone, without having to look down or worry about self worth or inadequacy or lacking confidence in good nature or evil, savage or civilized.
I intend to retain this visage and strengthen it the best I can up unto my death. Itâs the only way that Any true success can be measured in a reality where beyond fate and destiny, pre-ordained and divine creation, that the emotional outlet alone beyond predictions, prophets, legends, etc., would account for things caught up in the tailspin of my choices horribly upsetting their choices in life and having it all traumatize them in actuality to the point where even as things no longer want to wish injury or death upon me, itâs the fact that what will kill me will still be an act of justice for killing a murderer, if even for the greater good and not failing to account for only being able to take personal responsibility. For the very reasons that living in our modern age, we can guess that Jesus stole at times, expected hand outs at other times, demanded his followers to commit acts of blasphemy against the laws of the lands. Iâve broken laws of forbidden knowledge, whether in faulty manner or not; I have broken things in the administering of their lessons in pain when some were doing it legitly. I failed to respect the law of the land in the worst ways as to attack and destroy peoples most cherished beliefs even if they were lies and crafted illusions and self-deceptions that I failed to and still fail to respect. Now, do remark that a decent amount of things arenât quick in moving towards that justice, but the twisted insanity of things that could rightfully claim to certain degree to exist as an aspect of myself just by peoples expected behavior and responses to my own tragedies forged into existence would be at odds with their own existence as partial fragments of me that were never me.
And whether theyâre partial fragments or able to exert vast effect over life, they can still effect the domino-effect seen in sleight of hand deception in mastermind format of starting a rumor, but more diabolical, forceful etcetera.
At the very bottom of the line for things even being legit and just seeing it to the end of the line for more than posterity but to secure for all eternity a stalemate victory that is anything but a stalemate victory.
And then to remember that if I am, then what I know of others even playing out differently along the array is that you all are, too, and everything is. Things can agree and perform to certain degree to societal standards and expectations, though that isnât the full agenda of society and that is part of the expectations and standards whether voiced or not.
So, Iâm babbling at the moment, a little bit. Didnât mean to steal the show or make it about me. Itâs not. Itâs your drug show. But, keep in mind that Iâm interested in such things and am personally tired of being stuck in frames of mind that limit me to talking about myself. And, things still administer their lessons in pain, their lessons in wisdom, their lessons in growth and the fight continues. Things still do to each in their own way to varying degree based on the artist to both good and bad.
So, Donât think Iâm just sappy or weepy or expected useless sentimentalities. Iâm not that high. Even when babbling, not high enough not to notice. And, if I know this to be true about myself, what do I know of others who share similar trends of awareness to me despite what âliesâ come out of their mouths in a given moment intentional or not? Would I even need to remind to remember those who still arenât there and that even if you or others wanted to be patient, you wouldnât be able to emotionally even if you could do physically and that even âtwistingâ psychology like that doesnât procure the downward spiralling effects when psychology falls short of the mark in noting fully what is capable and what isnât. It only paints its accepted form of a situational truth that, at best, works at the same rate of methodology as anything else. So, be careful with drugs. I know thatâs relatively stupid to say to a room full of grown adults who know full well the dangers and itâs not said out of any due consideration for health or life above death, but just out of general practice to actually try to get someones back by actually saying something about it.
Itâs not me that you all have to convince are having a rough time of things. I was understanding of that to begin with which is why I tolerated a lot of the disrespect good naturedly and why I accept the apologies not given, etcetera and that is about me because I can be a vain and pompous ass and still make it about me.
Iâm at the mercy of things bypassing my ability to cease completely and will probably babble until it dries up one way or the other. But, long-winded bullshit. I was just giving you shit at the same time as actually hoping to make you flinch and go right back to thinking of failure. Wouldnât do it if it wasnât necessary for it to be pushed through for any success to be measured. Even if you can or could do it on your own without the sentiment, thatâs not a desired life. The fact that I care a little bit more about you than not at all just for having you been part of a waste of time that wasnât a waste of time, thereâs that at the least I care about you for that selfish reasoning of you being involved in my life for a length of time.
Things are vastly needing to work on dealing with this level of openness without taking it so intimately. And, itâs difficult because some things arenât even trying because they seem to think that we canât go right back to being underhanded even then.
Itâs interesting how to succeed at what Iâm doing, I have to teach those who donât learn what I want them to learn and be happy that Iâm teaching those who want to learn and help them work on confidence in fucking things over just to get a point where an acceptable peace can be measured. Not because weâre all the depraved but to cater to the act that some things keep up. And, it isnât hard to convince them that cutting the edges off of being diabolical is a better tactical advantage for rolling with humans through eternity, the tricky part is seeing them through it. I hope what youâre working on works out for you, just expect lucy to yank the football on you at the end, bro. See if she donât just to watch you take it and ride the victory through the lie anyway.
And, Iâm not even saying that to be bitter or jaded or to cut you down or to stop you from even trying. Iâm saying itâs a legit way to have the other foot drop and not even bother you. Right when you succeed the most, learn how much still plays into it? At least youâre in a good mood for a bit, you know.
Just kidding; I sense you mean well. You do what you do, Some Guy.
For what itâs worth, I donât think quitting drugs will solve all my problems. I think it will allow me to start solving them. All they do is hold me back from living the life I want to live, to be the person I want to be.
I sense that you actually forget your own lack of self worth and think that disrespect is actually respect again. That applies to all the things worth disrespecting. Isnât it great to have confidence fill you that you donât deserve?
Definitely. When I first started this thread, I wasnât sure whether I wanted to quit the drugs or not. I knew that I wanted to experiment with 2 month stints of abstinence and see how I feel. Now I definitely know that I want to quit all caffeine, alcohol, and cannibinoids. I know I want to quit all drugs and alcohol for at least a year and more realistically a year and a half. â This wasnât inspired by the 2 month experiments (at least not totally) but by the reprogramming of my own values.
Ever since the separation and the change of career, Iâve been on this major self-improvement kick. So far itâs working.
Thatâs cool (I guess) but have you ever thought that you might actually need MORE drugs and alcohol? I like to use Occamâs Razor - the simplest solution is often the right solution, principle. If the drugs and alcohol are having a negative effect on your life, perhaps you need more drugs and alcohol, not less?
Iâd keep away from all that âself-improvementâ garbage, too. It will only lead you to being addicted to exercise, neurotic calorie counting and hours and hours of reading labels in supermarkets⌠or worse⌠you may end up joining a gym cult or having your own nutrition guru which, we all know, is a gateway to veganism.
OK, try this. Are the drugs the problem or are the drugs an attempt to mask the problem? If the drugs are used to mask the problem â and theyâre not working â then a valid assumption may be that you need more drugs. Amirite?
I was obviously joking initially but realizing the drugs are not the original problem but a symptom is worth thinking about. A person I respect once said âIf people asked themselves âWhat do I know that I really donât want to know?â and then listened to what came up, they could prevent so many games we play on ourselves.â I couldnât quite get the purpose of abstaining then returning, abstaining, then returning but each to his own. Anyway, Iâm glad to hear things are looking on the up and up. Whatâs the new career? Do you like it better?
Well, put it this way: The drugs are both masking the problem and causing the problem. They numb me from the symptoms but in turn make the source of the problem worse. Itâs like a heroin addict who starts on heroin to get away from some pain, but thereby makes the pain so much worse when it comes time to withdraw. So I think more drugs would only worsen the problem.
Unless your talking about meds. Are you suggesting I seek out prescription medication? â Not more drugs per se, but different drugs?
For me, these are preliminary experimentsâgiving myself real hands-on encounters with sobrietyâin order to furnish myself with evidence of what a life without drugs is like. Theyâve lead me to consider taking at least a year off all drugs and alcohol.
Yes, much better. I had a little over a year of experience working as a software contractorâran my own business; my main client gave me an offer of employment which was reasonably competitive. They said I was the only one on the team who was preventing them from getting extra tax credits (apparently, if you have any full time contractors on the team, youâre not qualified for certain tax credits). Not wanting to be âthat guyâ, I took the offer (it does come with a lot of perks, including a very generous RRSP program). My business is now dormant. The way I figure it, I wouldnât be doing anything differently anyhowâjust working for my main clientâand it gives me time to put together a solid business plan, maybe get a loan from a bank, and make it into a small businessâbut thatâs at least a couple years down the road.
Cool. You seem to have handled two major upheavals pretty well? Most people would have gone off the rails big time. Congrats. It canât have been easy. =D>
Well, itâs been an interesting 3 weeks so far, interesting enough to write a little something about it.
Right before I started this stint, I experienced a turn of events that flipped my perspective on my own life and self on its head. Only briefly, however, and now I feel Iâm back to my ordinary self. It did paint some interesting pictures for me during the first and second week, and shed some light on this whole drug issue. I wonât say what the turn of events were, but I will say that it had a lot to do with girls and love. As some of you probably know, Iâve been separated from my wife for about 2 years now, and up until the end of May, Iâve been thanking my lucky stars Iâm single. Then things turned completely around and I started longing for love. A few days later, I started the current stint. The first week of caffeine abstinence is always the worst. It is utter boredom and exhaustion. Youâve become tolerant and now you have to suffer through withdrawal. This added to my longing for love a sense of despair that this is what it was going to be like, once I quit all drugs and alcohol in the summer of 2018, for the rest of my life.
Of course, I knew I just had to give it time. By the second week my natural body energy levels would come back. Well, my energy levels did pick up in the second week, but not to my satisfaction. It still wasnât âfunâ like my weekly caffeine days are. Still looked like boredom and dullness for the rest of my life. Iâm used to the idea that it usually takes a good two weeks for my natural energy levels to kick in during a caffeine break, but I donât remember ever reaching a level at which I feel anything remotely equivalent to a caffeine âbuzzââtypically, I just feel ânormalâ.
This, to me, counts as a complete reversal on my life outlook: rather than being thankful for the things I have, I started longing for the things I lack. I lack love in my life, a girl, but there are definitely perks to being singleâyou are the master of your own destiny, your life is entirely yours to determineâand I absolutely love thatâbut nothing compares to being in love. Just a taste of it leaves you wanting more. It is literally like a drugâand no, this is not one of those misuses of the term âliterallyââthat experience of romantic love between a man and a woman is literally the release of chemicals in the brain putting you into an ecstatic frenzy; and I remember earlier in this thread telling Moreno that falling in love is one of the things Iâd give up the drugs for. So after going through an experience like that, and then watching the bubble burst, leaves me feeling not so happy being single. I looked ahead to the rest of my life and saw a hole, a cold emptiness, thinking I will never experience that feeling again for anyone. That coupled with my impatience vis-a-vis my natural energy levels left me focusing on the things I lack in my life: love and natural energy.
As for the latter, there was so much I was looking forward to after the summer of 2018. I donât expect to be fully charged up like the energizer bunny on June 1 2018âI expected to go through the same withdrawal symptomsâfatigue, boredom, some depression, general malaiseâand given my past experiments with these caffeine deprivation stints, I know my natural energy levels will never match those of the caffeine buzzes I love so much on my Fridaysâbut I still figured the summer of 2018 would be the beginning of a period of great self-improvement and that getting through the initial withdrawal would give way to so many benefits worth looking forward to. I was excited for it. I wanted it. But at the end of May, beginning of June, I started looking forward not to these benefits or any self-improvement, but to the complete absence of fun, of meaning, of excitement. Never again will I experience the buzz of a good cup of coffee, the fuzzy warm feelings of alcohol, or the spiritual heights that a good joint can raise you to. And that to me, at the time, looked like a complete void.
I started reconsidering my whole goalâwhether it was a good idea after all to give up all drugs and alcohol for a good year (most likely a year and a half), and caffeine, alcohol, and cannabinoids in particular foreverâwhether I was just allowing myself to be caught up in my own self-induced drug-free frenzyâand that the only reason I felt good about it, looked forward to it, is because it fueled me with a sense of dignity just to be able to say I was going to do itâbut when push comes to shove, would I regret it? Would I give up, saying to myself: I only wanted to say I was going to do it, not actually do it.
But thank God thatâs over. Iâm a little bit passed my third week, and I actually feel really good. Part of that, Iâm sure, must be my bodyâs energy still working its way up to higher levels (although I donât expect that to go on indefinitelyâotherwise by the end of my previous caffeine stints, I would have been crazier than the mad hatter), but part of it is also (I think) self-confidence (more on this below). I gave myself a good figurative slap a few days ago (maybe it was a week ago) about even thinking of giving up my goal: so youâre just going to let a few withdrawal symptoms, plus the dull boredom and feelings of nothingness (which youâve always known will come), convince you to give up the goal youâve been building up for years, the goal that will secure for you immeasurable benefits and forms of self-improvement? What were you nuts?! So yeah, Iâm back in the saddle now. Happy to be single and generally enjoying life (not that I donât want to be in love, but at least its absence isnât making me depressed).
The confidence thing: one lesson Iâm learning during this stint is to watch for the distinction between feeling good and being good. Iâve learned that just because I donât feel a âbuzzâ doesnât mean I canât be on fire. In the past week in particular, Iâve been far more extroverted at work, and a lot more playful with my kids, than I thought I could be sans caffeine. This is not something I observed during my past stintsânot that it wasnât there, but I never really posed the question to myself: can you still be on fire without feeling the caffeine buzz? And I find it comes out when it needs to, when my brain and body sense that nowâs the time to start churning out idea, expressing thoughts in a professional and intelligent way, to show people what youâve gotâand itâs there, it comes out when the occasion calls for it. I donât necessarily have to feel it subjective, on the inside, for it to be there in reality. Whereas outside these stints, Iâd derive the satisfaction of feeling like I was so frickinâ awesome, that I could be on fire anytime I wanted, through the drugs, but most likely, in the eyes of others, I was annoying and irritating (I actually got this kind of feedback a few times while drunk and caffeinated at the barâdespite how I thought I was coming across), and the lesson here is that this is to be contrasted with not feeling so awesome and on fire subjectively but it nevertheless comes out that way anyway when performing in front of others. And I get to have my cake and eat it too: once I start noticing this about myself, I do feel good about myselfâso itâs more of an âearnedâ good feelingâI get off the drugs, I perform significantly better, people see this, I feel more confident in myself, I earn the right to feel good about myselfâas opposed to a âcheatâ feel good where I bypass that whole process by injecting a drug into my brain directly to give myself the illusion of being awesome and on fire (and maybe I amâdrugs can be a performance enhancerâbut Iâm definitely of no sound mind to judge my own performance objectively, so you can bet the distortions are there in my self-perception). â Summer of 2018 would definitely be a good career move.
As for the cannabinoids, theyâve been doing some good for me. Without the caffeine and alcohol, I feel like Iâm in a bit more control of my trips than otherwise. Theyâve also been good for reminding me of how I should be looking at all this. Itâs like once the cannabinoids enter my brain, they shift my head and force me to look in a different direction, as if saying: âno, no, no, youâre looking at this all wrongâyouâre looking over thereâwhere you should be looking is over here.â â Sort of being a kind of symbiotic coach, adjusting my thoughts and ways of looking at things such as to remind me of the more positive visors through which to be looking. For example, I was reminded on a few stoned occasions what one of the original goals to these exercises was: that of âletting go,â of learning the skill of detachment. Itâs inspired by Eastern/Buddhist ideas that say that the happiest life is that of utter detachment from the material things of this world, of cravings and desires. While Iâm not going the route of the devout Buddhist monk, these exercises have always been about letting go of the attachments in my life which arenât doing me any good, which are holding me back, and could one day lead to my own self-destruction. Ever since I got excited about the prospect of taking at least a year off (maybe one and a half) starting summer 2018, Iâve been planning all the things I want to do once that startsâlike taking my little contracting business and turning it into a small business, taking a Dale Carnegie course, getting a tattoo, and so on. But itâs not easy making all these plans for my life without them turning into just more attachments. Albeit, I would consider them healthy attachments, which is what distinguishes this path from that of the Buddhist monk, but attachments can be very tricky nonetheless, and one must be careful. In all this, I had forgotten for a good while that the whole point of this exercise was to free myself of attachments, at least the unhealthy ones, and the drugs helped me to remember that. Iâm not rethinking my goals for post-summer 2018, but I need to be ready to apply one of the most valuable lessons these past few years have taught me: how to detach (if necessary)âotherwise Iâd have to put myself through another 5 year plan like this one.
And more to the point, itâs reminded me that a lack of excitement, of meaning, of deep significance to my lifeâthose things the drugs helped me feelâcan be as much a peaceful quiet as it can an agonizing deprivation. That thought brought me some solace. It brought me a perspective that worked (at least temporarily), a perspective according to which this emptiness I felt, this nothingness, wasnât a negative, it wasnât some trial of agony, but just nothingnessâneither good nor badâjust an empty neutrality. There was nothing to cry woe over. It was a peaceful calm. I didnât have to worry about whether I was going to amount to anything, whether Iâd find love, whether my life would be nearly as exciting as it is while high on drugsâjust things the way they are, even if thatâs just blah, is nothing over which to worry. Itâs a platform from which to begin your life. Things can only go up from there.
That perspective lasted until the next day when my brain returned to sober reality and my usual thought patterns took hold again (old habits die hard), but at least from that point on I tried to look at things from that perspective. And I think thatâs probably when things started turning around for me. That was about a week ago. And with all the ego-boosting performances Iâve displayed to others (at work, with my kids, at the bar, drinking virgin caesars) in the last week, and with my bodyâs natural energy levels returning (even to the point where, in the last couple days, Iâve felt the butterflies-in-the-stomach typical of a caffeine overdose), this stint has turned around and Iâm liking the results. I do want to feel this way all the time.
Now what about the alcohol? â Not much to say there over and above any of my past stints. The usual still applies: save on money, no hangovers means more gets done, it helps keep the weight off during my dieting months, and with my natural body energy levels returning, making me a bit more extroverted, I donât need booz as much to socialize and be talkative. But definitely, caffeine is the main culprit in my life, holding me back physically, psychologically, and spiritually. The alcohol, of course, ainât good for me either, and itâs gotta go too, but thereâs a reason I call myself a conditional alcoholic: my alcoholism depends on caffeineâI really only get the urge to drink when Iâm jacked. So, with the caffeine will go the alcohol. The cannabinoids, on the other hand, are a different matter. Iâm not entirely convinced theyâre harming me. They are, nonetheless, one out of the three I plan on quitting for good come the summer of 2018, but during my first two weeks of the current stint, and their tendency to shift my head in a more positive direction (at least when not drunk or jacked up), had me thinking that at the end of the 1 year stint of no drugs or alcohol (most likely a year and a half), maybe I should take up the cannabinoids again. But Iâve since tossed that idea and returned to the original planâpart of the figurative slap I gave myself. Nevertheless, I donât think that would be such a bad idea as I do believe the cannabinoids are the least of my problems out of the three drug categories.
So why am I making such a drama out of these last three weeks? Itâs not just the short period of feeling the pain of deprivation, not just my feelings of self-doubt and questioning what Iâll amount to, but in a weird way I sort of believe in what Terrance McKenna called âresonanceââthat is, the theory that patterns in time repeat on lower and higher scales, like patterns in a fractalâand that these two months, starting on June 1st, are representative of my full year (most likely a year and a half), also starting on June 1st. Itâs raised the dreading question: is this what itâs going to feel like? I can only hope, if this is resonance, that the first two weeks remains the first two weeksâthat is to say, the representation is not to scale. Iâd hate to think that the first two weeks of depression and deprivation of this stint is going to translate into several months of depression and deprivation starting June 1 of 2018. Itâs really made me think about what Iâm getting myself into, whether I really want this or not. And I know that no matter what I happens, the total lack of fun times on drugs and the addictive buzz I get from them will be the first thing to sink in, and it will probably hit hard. But this third week has really paid off, and Iâm glad I pushed through it. If this continues on the upward path, then I also hope, assuming the representation really is to scale, that so too will be the rewards.
Itâs been a little over a month now, and I thought Iâd jot down some more notes.
On June 24 when I last posted, I was feeling pretty good. In the last week thatâs waned a little. Not much, just a little. It comes and goes. Nothing to get all worked up over. My energy levels (and thus my emotional state) still depend on a lot of things, three of which are: sleep, confidence levels, and life stuff. IIRC the night before the 24th, I was flirting with a cute bar tender at a local Moxieâs, and she was responding favorably, boosted my ego.
Thereâs also the drudgery of Mondays. I swear sleeping on weekends is what causes Mondays to be sluggish. Itâs still way better than when I do caffeine though. Then I stayed up late on a Tuesday and a Wednesday, which made the days following a little sluggish, falling asleep at my desk more than once.
Not much to report in the way of life stuffâlife carries on as usualâbut you obvious get why this can be a factor.
Iâve definitely plateaued. Beyond three weeks, natural body levels of energy donât seem to keeping going upâthey simply begin to fluctuate around a higher meanâwhich overall is a good experience. But I canât say the words âI wish I could feel like this everyday,â not like on the 24th â Those moments remain rare. But this isnât necessarily a bad thingâit just marks ground zeroâthe point at which Iâd have to say Iâm at my lowest. From there, itâs up to me to find ways to give myself little boostsâflirt with cute girls, get more sleep, whatever it takesâreal life, not drugs, right?