and here we are… its 3:13AM and it is hotter then hell and we
(the wife and I) haven’t paid our bills and I can’t sleep…
so I just spent the last 20 minutes paying bills online and
now… I just don’t sleep well in heat… tomorrow is suppose
to be hotter and today was 92… yikes… one of the advantages
of living on the SF penisula is that the fog will roll in after a
day or two of heat and cool things off… tues is suppose to drop
down to 90 and weds is suppose to drop to 82… yep, the SF weather
report brought to you by Kropotkin at 3:17 in the morning…
listening to music, Sigur Ros, part of my sleep music on ITUNES…
and now its Mozart… as I have gotten older, I have grown fonder
of Mozart…
I was randomly thinking earlier and thought something about
20 years from now, and realized that 20 years from now, I’ll
be 80 and that isn’t what I would call a “happy” thought…
Old age sucks and from what I hear, it gets worse……
I see old people in wheelchairs and being pushed around
by caregivers and I’m like, ah, no… I would rather off myself
then be forced to have strangers take care of me…
then, I wonder, why haven’t these old people off themselves
already… I don’t see the point of living with a terrible
quality of life… it isn’t how old you are, but your quality
of life that matters…don’t fall into that trap of thinking
that we must live as long as possible… danger… Will Robinson…
danger…
went out to dinner with in laws and their friends and it was
painful… I dislike shallow conversations and being the beginning
of summer, the recounting of trips to places… it was a pointless
evening and the dinner wasn’t even that good… I just don’t
do small talk… it is boring…and I couldn’t even hear these people
because it was too loud… so I tried to hide into my mind and they
had the nerve to interrupt me and ask me questions… I’m like,
no, no, just leave me alone and then like a good sheep, I
engage with them… small talk makes my wife happy…jeez,
just shoot me……
and all I can engage with, is some attempt to find answers to those
questions I have posed over the years and no answers come to me…
I have a level of frustration with life right now… a combination of
boredom and let’s get this shit over with……….the other night,
I had very sad dreams about people dying, but they died very quietly,
very sad, and then later, I realized that it was the anniversary
of Anthony Bourdain suicide and my subconscious knew it, even
if I didn’t……… the mind, a very strange thing, this thing we know
as the mind… and the subconscious is even stranger…
I have learned to trust my subconscious and I simply input
information like Buddhism or philosophy and my mind will kick
out answers or solutions after the subconscious works it out……
if I have a strength, it is the ability to make connections between
random things… it may be my only strength… I certainly haven’t
succeeded at anything outside of inane ramblings here ILP
and I’m pretty sure inane ramblings don’t count as being a success
in anyone’s else book…
if I have a disappointment in life, it certainly hasn’t been work related
or not making enough money… I guess it would be, I still haven’t answered
the key questions that should keep people up at night, “What am I to do?”
or “what should my values be?” that is my single biggest regret so far… I am
sure bigger regret are on the horizon……… I have been vexed by the fact I
am still killing myself working when people my age are beginning to retire…
this not making any money thing as bit me on the ass in this regards…
but frankly, making money is as pointless and empty as the small talk
people insist on making…so much of life is pointless and I’m trying to find
something about life and/or people that isn’t pointless or meaningless………
people think this daily grind of work is the meaning of life and it isn’t,
really it isn’t…but trying to find meaning in a meaningless world has
been the point of philosophy since Nietzsche and he wasn’t all that successful…
anyway, finding meaning in a meaningless world should be the task of
everyone…but no one seems to notice how meaningless the world is…
every once in a while, I feel like a ghost because I see people
trying to achieve goals that are meaningless and they don’t even see it
and I can’t change anything and it, I feel like a ghost because of it…
why a ghost, I have no idea, but hay, its 3:54 in the morning and things
rarely make sense at 3:54 in the morning…I have noticed that idea’s
that seem great in the middle of the night, quite often don’t look
so great in the harsh sunlight of the day…I am tired…
mentally, physically, emotionally… life has drained the soul/energy out of me…
and I am running on fumes… I go to work at 10:45 in the morning and work
till 7:15… and it gives me absolutely no pleasure, no satisfaction, I go to
work knowing it will just kill another part of my soul… as if I have any soul
left to kill…
well this writing has been just as meaningless and pointless as my day has been
and as meaningless and pointless as tomorrow will be… outside of the fact,
tomorrow will be 97…
and its 4:01 in the morning and still I sit here writing……
well, I am going to try to sleep… maybe get a could of hours of sleep
before I have to get up and begin another pointless day…
Kropotkin