Thread for Old Farts Only

Tab · October 6, 2010, 8:54pm

I posted this in the Men-only thread. But I think it’s too ‘old’ for most of the ILP clientelle to empathise with.

I’m 42 btw. Does that count towards old fartism…?

Okay. [old] Man Topic:

My dad had it better than me.

Let’s see. My Dad did not have to do the washing up. My Dad’s clothes mysteriously ironed themselves. Whenever he set foot in the dining room, food appeared on the table. Reasonably hot, reasonably tasty. He had two children, who both came home from the maternity hospital, and strangely looked after themselves until it was time for them to leave home and find jobs of their own. At which point they asked him for some money periodically to help them on their way. Shops existed, as did supermarkets. He knew that because it was written so on the outside. How they worked, or indeed, what they were for, remained a mystery to him for many, many years.

Six-packs were just how the beer came. Razors were only for facial use. Aftershave was 100% alcohol, and hurt like fuck. As it should. Hair came and went wherever it liked, whenever it liked. These were good times to be hair. There were no homosexuals. It was okay to call people with different coloured skins funny names. In fact there were comedians on the telly who did, and it was really funny. You could tell, because everyone was laughing. It was absolutely de-rigguer to swear loudly at any woman who dared set one high-heeled foot inside a car. Though actually, de-rigguer wasn’t even a word when my dad was younger.

Women often had cleavages in public. And legs. There were hardly any fat bastards around. And if there were, it was completely okay to say “hey fatso, buy me a drink.” There were many places to park wherever you went. Houses only cost a couple of thousand pounds. Those houses were large, had big gardens front and back, with driveways and separate garages. And stairs. Showers were new-fangled, and one bath a week was totally cool. Graphitti hadn’t been invented. And teenagers weren’t a bunch of fucking headcases. You could build extensions and decorate loftspaces without having to brown-nose every civil servant in the world. There were only four channels on the telly, and one of them was always football. There were no TV remote problems, because there were no remotes. Adverts were few, and far between. Telephone numbers were easy to remember, because there were only 5 digits. No-one had emotional needs.

Going to the restaurant was easy, because they all served pie and chips. Clothes were easy, because whatever you wore, you looked just fine. You didn’t need to learn about computers. Or buy the latest mobile phone. Popstars were all nice, sang pretty nice songs, about nice things. You didn’t have to worry about death or the afterlife, because God took care of those details for you, as long as you bunged him 50p every sunday when the collection plate came round. It was totally okay to smoke. Anywhere. Anytime. Smoking was good for you, like vitamins. Vegetables in your diet were optional. As was fruit. In fact, no-one knew what you were talking about, if you used the word diet. You could hit your kids, in fact you could hit anybody’s kids, if they pissed you off. Or find a policeman to hit them for you. Kids = hitting. There were no pedophiles.

There were transvestites, but they were safely on the telly, and were absolutely hilarious.

My Dad had it better.

MagsJ · October 6, 2010, 11:26pm

I’m not far behind you in age Tab, though I’d say we border the young n reckless/old fart fence - I find myself saying “In my day” and “When I was young/your age” so I guess that definitely makes me qualify… somewhat.

tentative · October 8, 2010, 1:21am

Tab,

I’m sure you’ve considered it, but just to confirm: I doubt that there has ever been a generation who didn’t think that dad had it easier and lived a simpler life. And mostly, they have been right. Problems continue to grow in complexity every generation, and the pace of living continues to grow at an ever faster rate. Is there an upper limit of which we are capable? Could it ever become less complex and move a little slower? I don’t know, but I do know that one day, Artun will write the same thing about dad…

Tab · October 8, 2010, 8:56am

However, if each consequitive son thinks his father had it better, that means - If they’re right - the world is going down the plughole.

Kriswest · October 8, 2010, 11:59am

Each parent thinks their kid has it better and easier. which is right?

Dominic · October 9, 2010, 5:42am

You know, it’s like, if you’ve never taken drugs and they’re starting to talk to you, you really gotta blast through it at least a couple of times or else you’ll just end up as some dumb schizophrenic.

Oughtist · October 9, 2010, 6:39pm

I’m aimin’ for harmless old man…

MagsJ · October 11, 2010, 4:30pm

I’m aiming for fruity ole bird

Kriswest · October 11, 2010, 7:34pm

Yep you are English all right, in USAin if you aimed to be a fruity old bird… you would be an old Lesbian chasing after younguns. Gotta love the differences that pop up from time to time.

Oughtist · October 18, 2010, 1:21am

…eehh, I was gonna say somethin… hmmm…

tentative · October 18, 2010, 2:03am

But now you can’t remember what it was…

Oughtist · October 18, 2010, 3:10am

…swear tug odd, I can virtually witness my wits slowly slipping away, … or at least certain varieties of them, such as the ability to remember what I’m talking about…

tentative · October 18, 2010, 3:28am

I prefer to think I’m just cleaning house - getting rid of all the extraneous garbage I’ve collected over the years so I can focus on the few essential things that make a difference… like, did I have breakfast or not? Are my pants zipped? Is it nap time yet? You know, the important stuff. :-"

Oughtist · October 18, 2010, 4:44am

Zipped pants is an extremely important skill for harmless old men to master. So true!!

Kriswest · October 18, 2010, 6:09pm

A tiny tracking device for my ever vanishing glasses would be a real help. I have found that they go missing at least once a day now. I think this house is infested with little invisible imps that enjoy driving me crazy. Set something down and poof you can’t find it… Its not my age its those darned imps… Thats my story and I am sticking to it.

Oughtist · October 29, 2010, 5:19am

Speaking of imps, would Impenitent’s sock please reveal itself. I so hope he is reincarnated.

Also, ought there be an outing of fogeys? I’m ready to name names!!

MagsJ · October 29, 2010, 11:29am

‘Fruity ole bird’ is like your US version of a cougar miaow Never fancied any girl on girl action, and not gonna start/go down that road at my age

Kriswest · October 29, 2010, 11:45am

LOL I do love learning language differences. I know I would not ever be a cougar, its taken too long to learn one man older then me. I have no desire to try and deal with a younger livelier male, it sounds exhausting

MagsJ · November 10, 2010, 12:24am

I am no cougar either Kris, as I prefer men around my age (give or take a few years) so a fruity old bird is just an older/wiser female

Kriswest · November 10, 2010, 1:17pm

ROFL There is no real name for those of us that keep to our own generation. So ok, we can go with fruity old bird, it has some dignity