I am still reading Hesse’s biography…
I came across a term that has struck me…
Hesse’s book, Siddhartha, is called a “spiritual autobiography”…
as all of Hesse’s books are……
and upon reflection, I guess I am writing a “spiritual autobiography”…
I am trying to get at that which cannot be described by one’s events
in a life or a simple description of one’s life…
I could write that I was born handicap, with a serious hearing loss…
and that would be biography, but I am trying to get past simple
biography, a simple life story, into something that is both
unique to me and part of the human story of existence…
a rendering of my life story would be and is, to be honest,
rather boring… I have done little in my life to justify
any type of accounting of who I am…
but my story isn’t about the physical journey I have made,
but about the inner journey of my life… a spiritual autobiography
is exactly what I have been writing…
I am writing for two audiences, one is you dear reader, in hopes
you too begin your own travels into that which is your
inner self and what it means to be you… and the second audience,
is me, and what does it mean to me, to travel into the inner world,
the nature of our spiritual autobiography into who we are and what
is possible for us…
have I reached that which is really me? as I am still writing, I would
say, no… I must write until I have no more to say and on that day,
I will have concluded my own journey into what it means to be
Kropotkin…
we human beings engage in two types of journeys… the first is the
physical journey we make from being born to the day we die…
and the second is the inner journey of examination, of
becoming aware of that which is me, not physically, not that
I am 5 foot 8inch or that I am 210 lbs, those are physical facts of
my existence…but the facts of what it means to be Kropotkin
and what are my spiritual goals? but I fear that the word spiritual
has an unnecessary and unwanted religious connotation that I
don’t want or need………
but I can write about my inner journey in a spiritual fashion without
ever approaching a religious context for my spiritual journey…
a spiritual journey doesn’t require or demand a religious context…
it doesn’t demand there be a god or heaven or hell or a devil or sin…
a spiritual autobiography is simply one’s journey into that which
is important and what matters in a person’s inner life…
“who am I to become” is not a physical question
it is a basic question of existence that has little or nothing
to do with my physical nature, my body or my physical needs…
“Who am I to become” is an journey we make internally,
within ourselves, spiritually as it were…
if there is a issue or a problem with the “Modern” age, it is that
we have forsaken our inner world for the outer, external world…
we seek creature comforts and fancy cars and a lot of materialistic
goods… but we ignore that which is internal to us… we ignore
our inner needs to fulfil our external needs… and we must address this
imbalance by once again becoming aware of who we are, internally…
who is this creature called Kropotkin? not by my external needs or looks but
by what does Kropotkin need or want internally, within himself……
I am always talking to myself… I hold constant dialogues within myself…
I talk to myself more then anyone else, as it should be…
I am angry about the fact that I am still forced to earn a living because
it takes away from me being able to write and read and think……
I talk to myself about these “injustices” and I try to make myself feel
better about it… it doesn’t work, but at least I try…
I resent time taken away from my exploration of the human condition……
be it my wife or work or taking out the garbage…………
I know what I want and I am unable to fulfill it because of
mere money… that most useless and worthless thing in the universe…
I want time to think about what it means to be human…….
and I am unable to get this……
so, I engage with my inner dialogue and attempt to seek answers to
my questions…….
so, if you were writing your “spiritual autobiography”
what would you say? What would you hold as important?
what are you searching for? what journey are you on?
Kropotkin