Husband and I are semi arguing about pushing son out of nest. He wishes to charge rent I do not. I want him to save money and fly ASAP. Husband’s view is our boy is a target for young women that see him as a meal ticket sort of. Our son has been taught skills that bring him high pay. His normal wage starts at 12 an hour and goes up to 25 an hour right now but, he has only done work part time for the past year and has spent most of it on helping us and possesions. I want our son to stop helping because he is actually just helping to get family luxeries from my perspective. My husband’s whole deal is to slowly put his money aside, keep him in the nest for a while longer until hormones simmer down a bit. He doesn’t want our boy used as a meal ticket for some young “chippy”. Is my husband being overly cautious and I am right or is he right in wanting to protect our boy. Our son is only 21 and he is mature in most ways but in other ways his exposure has been limited, that is what concerns my husband. Me: I say go for broke live and learn that is how I had to do it and so did my husband. Who is right do you think? I am wavering just so you know.
Should we totatally foot our son’s expense so that he can save and get out or protect him til his maturity becomes apparent?
People are always doing their best, because if they were capable of doing better or more they would. So, bringing up leaving is asking him to do something that he doesn’t want to do, and the rent issue turns your relationship into a business deal.
How would you like him to treat you when you’re old, feeble, and in need of company?
If you guys are lucky you’ll know each other for a long time, or someone may die in a car crash. Have fun, now.
Really, what will happen is that he will meet some girl and want his own space. It will happen soon enough, and then you may never see him again.
First off, nothing warms my heart more than a filial son.
sigh
With that out of the way, I would point out that reciprocity is important. Your son is helping you as you helped him growing up. Wonderful! However, it becomes important in such situations for the more senior member to make hard decisions.
What is best for your son?
Is he ready to face the world alone?
Do you trust him?
Is he mature enough to live on his own?
If you answered ‘yes’ to one of those questions, it is probably time for him to move on (what is his age? Question #2 is age dependent after all).
I know it is hard, but it is much better for him to leave. Will he become a meal ticket? Unlikely. There are much fewer con artists out there than many suspect. And if he does . . . so what? If you are foolish enough to need to learn that lesson, there really is only one way to learn it.
Experience is often the best teacher. Is he getting more experience living at home, or could he maximize that experience elsewhere?
I just hope that you and your husband aren’t drilling the idea into his head that all single women are gold diggers. I don’t think this is the appropriate message to send.
At some point, he’s going to want his own space, particularly if he starts dating around. He’d probably feel awkward bringing girls back to his parents’ house, especially now that he’s 21.
Your son does not sound like a stupid man. I think he’ll be just fine out in the “real world.” He has two parents that love him and if he ever has an questions about life in the real world, he’ll know to ask you straight away.
The only problem I have ever encountered with the saving the money by living with a parents is often a sort of symbiotic entity can be formed. My g/f has older parents and her mother and father are seperated. So, needless to say the mother is excessively clingy to the daughter. Parents can have a way to give guilt away like free candy.
But that is a whole other situation so I am not sure. Every family varies I suppose. I just believe you should go with what you feel is right.
Satori- You’re right. I can understand your girlfriend’s particular situation.
I’m glad you brought up that perspective as well. It’s an expensive world to live in and even I had to live at the 'rents for a short while in my late 20s.
In this day and age, and so close to a bachelor’s degree, it’s difficult for a single woman to make a decent wage. I definitely place the blame on myself for dicking around all those years trying to find myself and what I need to do.
Back to Kris’s son . . . I’m sure he’ll be fine. I guess it all comes down to what he feels is best to do. If he wants to live at home for a while longer, then fine. It just comes down to one parent wants to charge rent and the other one doesn’t want to . . . this is the problem.
It sounds to me as if he makes enough money to survive in an apt. on his own as long as he budgets his time and money properly.
Believe me, right now, I’d LOVE to make $12 an hour! Holy bejeezus! That’s a crapload of money to me.
As a 37 year old man I can attest to the fact that the hormones don’t ‘simmer down,’ at least not unless he’s gonna live at home at least into his forties.
Thank you all for your input, he is our only child so this part of parenting is new grounds. No we are not teaching him anything about girls. No we would never teach that girls period are gold diggers, See I did not think about that though. Perhaps my husband is concerned because our son really has not been around too many girls to know girls.
Perhaps he thinks the boy might be Naive? Gullible? I don’t know this bears further discussion.
But I have to agree you Dulcet and Xunzian I think falling on his butt or at least having the opportunity to possibly fall is needed. I must say though I do not want that to happen I feel the urge to protect even though it is wrong. Heck I want him to fly. I have been a parent all my adult life I would enjoy time alone with my husband and not have to be a parent. But ahh, quandrys I still want to protect.
My children are welcome to stay here as long as they want and I would never charge them rent. If he is a normal hormonally charged young man, he will be begging to leave. Did you ever try to have sex at home with your parents in the next room?
Raise responsible kids and support them until they are ready to live on their own. If he is a slacker - kick up his household responsibilities - he will run so fast, he won’t be able to tie his shoes fast enough.
As far as the “gold digger” thingy - it never crossed my mind.
I’m sure he is a handsome boy, but I’m guessing he would look funny wrapped in cotton balls. I wouldn’t do anything right now. He is an adult, and if he is sharing with living expenses (informally) let well enough alone. Experience comes as it comes, and he’ll make that decision on his own. A critical issue is for both you and your husband to not become dependant on him being around. It isn’t about the money, but the psychological dependence one has to watch for. As others have mentioned, he’ll tangle with the girls eventually. For some reason, at his age girls just smell good. Now if you have to write this again in ten years, that might be different.
In my house, each child understood that having graduated from high school, they were either in school or working in order to go on into further schooling. Two lived at home for three years, one lived at home for five years. No rent, no living expenses. The only requirement was that they had to be working toward something beyond living at home.
I think that if you have a family it’s important to set a tone for the future and remember that you are teaching the child what and how to manage his family.
Kriswest
It sounds as if you guys are sending, to him or yourselves, a mixed message. You’re worried about him leaving, but would like some free time. The worry aspect means something.
I’m sure my parents were more worried for others when I left, and I think that your fears hint at some deeper knowledge that you haven’t fully spoken.
Also, when he leaves, he won’t be back, and is that the amount of free time that you’re interested in?
Agreed. If we’ve managed to get them to their early 20’s without killing them or them killing themselves, the hands-on parenting is pretty much over. They’ve been in the oven long enough, and they’re as cooked as they’re going to get. We let them finish the job themselves.
Kris, the freedom to run around the house naked pales quickly…
Yeah Kris I gotta go with tent on this one. I’m 22 and while my parents think they’re ‘parenting’ they don’t have the faintest clue about my world. It’s time to let him go, he’ll be fine.
we have sent our 21 your old daughter on her way and
sure she is making mistakes left and right, but their
her mistakes and she’ll learn from them as we learned
from our youthful mistakes.
Send him out into the world and let him learn. it will do both
of you good.
Well he is our one and only. I want him to fly his dad wants him to fly but, maturity is what we two I guess are debating. Hormones for the boy have been held in check especially the last 5 years for him, there are no young ladies out here just girls. His access to the females has been sorely limited, so his experience is also. My husband is concerned about that. sort of kid in the candy shop theory. Yes we taught him about responsibiltys that way and yes he is quite responsible in theory I suppose, especially since he has watched a couple of friends become parents along side people they do not love, that were just dates, by not being careful.
Financially he will be fine if he keeps his head on straight.
we argued about the rent part, we won’t charge him rent. Thank goodness. Husband and son are going down to open an account strictly for moving expenses. We all agreed once he socks 6000 away and has a reliable vehicle, he will think about leaving at that time and not before. this is the only safety net the three of us could agree on. At least our boy sees wisdom in building a net before he goes. That part kind of worried me. for right now all is content.
And who mentioned running around nude? Holy mackeral my closest neighbors are mosquitoes. I am not exposing senstive skin to blood suckers! I have been a mom since 21yrs old, never had a chance to be just me. I would like to try that. I would like to be just a couple, we never had that. It might not be any different but, hey who knows.
Now if you have to write this again in ten years, that might be different.
no way!