A crumb for Tabula Rasa…
I was following up on a lead in Philip 27 of 79’s thread “Are you evil?†— doing a little research into Zimbardo (in October of ‘05 I thought the word “Zim†was a reference to “Invader Zim†– the comic character, I think… I confused him with Marvin the Martian) — when I ran across a reference to MKULTRA. Now, that word has popped up in my brain now and then since October of ’05, and until now, I never knew what it meant. I always figured it was some kind of gun. But Zimbardo referred to it as a collection of government mind control experiments. I Googled MKULTRA and it led me to Wikipedia’s article on it. In the “popular culture†section of that article is reference to Tom Wolfe’s “The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Testâ€. That rang a bell, so I clicked on it. Why did it ring a bell? Because in September or October of ‘05 I had a delusion that Tabula Rasa said something in a post (to me, directly or indirectly) about an “acid testâ€. I had no clue what that meant until I was going over an old book, “The Fourth Dimension,†which I don’t recommend, wherein “The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test†is mentioned by the author – I figured that must have been what Tabula Rasa meant by “acid test†(since I went completely nuts in October of ’05, failing, possibly, some sort of test). Around the same time, I had a seemingly unrelated delusion about the phrase “stay on the busâ€. I don’t remember how it emerged, but I attached it to my son’s school bus (I guessed that it meant I should stay aware of what is going on with it, until it is out of view), then later to my potential job (I quit before training was fully underway, because I knew I wouldn’t be able to work the whole school year, and wouldn’t be able to afford to pay back the cost of the training) as a school bus driver, and it still pops in my head now and then, until discovering what it meant. There was a delusion that came with it – a story about a woman who wandered onto a bus and the door shut and she didn’t know how to open it. The people who operated the bus knew she had wandered inside, knew the door had shut, knew how to open it and let her out, but did nothing. Some of them thought it was funny (watching her panic and bang on the windows and trip over herself), but one of these people deny (I think sarcastically) they would just stand by and watch (they want to appear harmless, but they are not). When I was training for the school bus driver job, I thought – when am I going to wander on a bus and be the brunt of everyone’s joke? This delusion is linked also to the delusion that someone made me go crazy – that it was the result of a demonic spell or something. Back then, this scared me, but now that I am saved, I sometimes wonder how much of it is true, how much of it is delusion, and I know I have nothing to fear now. But, back to the crumb, the phrase “stay on the bus†was not mentioned in “The Fourth Dimension†– so my delusion associated with the phrase “stay on the bus†is… like so many of my other delusions… a crumb. From Zimbardo, to MKULTRA, to “The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test,†I was reminded of my delusions, which led me to do a search of ILP to find out if Tabula Rasa ever really did say anything to me about an acid test (I had so many delusions about message board posts, it is sometimes difficult to discern which memories about posts are actual history and which are delusional or in the future… but it is getting easier). He did not – not to anybody. But he did say “Stay on the bus,†– but, not to me. I think the reason I thought he said it to me is because it was occurring in my brain. There were so many things coming at me all at once and no way to fully make sense of all of it. To me that sounds like the “racing thoughts†of manic depression, but how many manic depressives have evidence of their racing thoughts being from the future (I have not been diagnosed with any mental illness, nor am I taking any medication for a mental illness)? Once the worst of it was over and I had time to write, I recorded in my journal: “11/29/05 I survived the Kool Aid Acid Test! (Tabula Rasa)†and, on an undated page before that, “Dear God, What in the world does Tabula Rasa mean by ‘Kool Aid Acid Test’ (besides the 4th Dimension book, and “Kaatâ€)? Just bein’ a jerk again, eh? Okay, thanks. My bad ; Sissy haha†[ I’m sorry I called you a jerk, Tabula Rasa. ] It is hard for me to disclose that journal entry, because it shows how much Tabula Rasa’s comments meant to me, when I never even met him. You should all consider that when you talk to eachother in ILP – assuming you don’t kick the habit and develop friendships off-line. “Kaat†(actually, Kat, I think) is a supposedly unstable person I never knew from another discussion board – at that time, I felt connected to every crazy person I had ever heard about (preparation for my future profession, I’m thinkin’). I’m not sure who Tabula Rasa actually said “stay on the bus†to, and I don’t want to try and find out, because the thread has inappropriate content I make it a point to avoid. At least now I know where “stay on the bus†really came from. That doesn’t mean I’m going to stop paying attention to what’s going on with my sons’ school bus…
And if all my insanity was the result of a demonic spell, and if demons have access to the future (which I doubt – it’s easy to fool a person into thinking you know the future)… well, I reached out for Him, and He saved me out of it. When it comes to “signsâ€, it all boils down, adds up to what they point to. If they point to God, groovy. If they point away from God, away from true life, true love – Truth… well… get off that bus, man. Get off that bus.
Why you? Why me? Because God is love. We won’t be the last.