A few poetic attempts

Creative Forums Creative Writing
1

To save from posting several times, I’m just going to put a few recent poems in one. I would really appreciate any feedback.

Circles

Days accumulate in the passing moments,
The river of life is passing me by,
But I remain calm and unaltered.

The mirror tells a different tale than the mind,
My face is showing new age,
But I remain calm though altered.

It strikes me heavily, like a brazen hammer,
That none of it matters,
Life goes around and another dies.
This is the way of it all.

When the last leaf of autumn falls,
And gives way to winter,
It fertilises the springing buds.

Dreaming will give way to reality,
In turn another dream,
And I will fertilise the springing buds.

no title

Bien sur,
Que la vie est mort,
Ca m’est egal.

It has come to necessity,
That I should take sacrament,
In that, quite unholy.

I care not, any longer,
For life has dealt me a hand,
And I, have been proven.

It was my inability,
Which has lead to this situation,
Thus I stick with it.

No more hope,
Nor more hate – I shall continue,
For fear of that lies beyond.

Elle qui j’aime

Did she ever know my feelings?
I couldn’t say, I thought she felt for me,
Something like that I felt for her,
But it’s all well confused now.

I suppose it’s due to my mind,
Often I can be confused,
She probably never felt for me,
And I never felt for her.

But still I find it odd, I thought,
Perhaps that there was something,
Between the two of us,
But it’s all well confused now.

I’ll surely have to take my mind,
Away from thinking of such things,
No time to ponder and contemplate,
It’d only lead to madness, but,
Did she ever know my feelings?

2

I liked them.

Text has a way of fuzzing over, making me uninterested to get into it when I’m baked, but your words seemed to shine through the peripheral fog.

I think I like the first one the best, it has a very Hericlitian feel to it, especially the first 2 stanzas.

3

You may have scared people off by giving them too much to do CnP :smiley:
I’ll give a slightly more in-depth critic of the first poem for now. I’ll check out the others if/as I get time.

I like the layout of this first poem (Circles) but feel you could have expressed parts of it better. To me, it’s a potentially good poem but falls a bit flat.

Your linear/sequential structure is fine….
Time passes… you remain calm
Physically age… you remain calm
Realization
New season… new life
Dreaming > reality > dreaming… fertilise

I really like the first line – I like the idea of “days accumulating” like a pile of junk one on top of the other but, instead of the cliché “The river of life” and “passing me by”, try something more original. You could rearranged the same words in a different order to break the cliché or hint at a river but use another word like “current” “flow” “ebb” “current” “pour” “tide” etc.

I like “my face is showing new age” (the combo of new + age is nice… it even hints at the New Age)

I really like the heaviness of “It strikes me heavily, like a brazen hammer” (it expresses the brutality of the revelation well, and snaps the reader out of the drudgery of the previous stanzas) but unfortunately, it then falls back to “life goes around and another dies” (too pedestrian; there’s got to be a better way to express that?)

I also like the fresh, new day start with “When the last leaf of autumn falls” (nice seg-way / scene change)

Finally, the mood of the final stanza is good – it wraps the poem up with a feeling of acceptance – but once again, I think it needs to be expressed more originally or beautifully – especially as these are the last words of the poem.

Keep in mind CnP, that my opinions are just my personal preferences; accept or reject according to your own tastes. Keep writing.