Hey guys, it’s been awhile sense I’ve posted a new poem so I’d like some help with this one. I’m thinking of submitting it to some poetry contest to see if I can get it published.
[i]Be fair now, sweet love,
With noble hands holding me ever so,
It’s melancholy aroma choking me,
For its vengeance is willing.
Strike now sweet love,
Your moment of glory at hand,
With blessed wings cast up in splendor,
Strike and deliver us from evil.
Time lines unborn and again,
Space spinning out of control,
Sweet glorious death is waiting,
For the hour is at hand.[/i]
I love this, but would choose another word than deliver in “deliver us from evil” because it speaks of words that are not your own. Try it and see if it works.
DD:
Before I offer my 2-cents, lemme just say welcome back - good to see some new work from you. It’s always a pleasure to read your work, and I always look forward to new contributions from you. I think this is a publishable poem that you’ve posted here on ILP, but if you want it to draw the attn. of anthology/chapbook/zine/on-line outlet editors, I have a few suggestions:
First
It’s a little unclear to me what you’re saying here - is the melancholy aroma that’s choking you referring to the “sweet love” or the “noble hands” and would “noble” hands be choking you which seems a little incongruent to me. If it was your intention for that incongruency to show, I would suggest non-italicizing that word (noble) to show that emphasis, but then again you might want it to be an implied emphasis and not be so overt. Such is the whimsical prerogative of the poet - oy-vey.
Second
I agree with the previous poster that this should be reworded - it’s a little cliche using “deliver us from evil” and therefore a red-flag for editors.
Third
Timelines is actually one word, not two, if you’re referring to a means of mearuring of time, b/c leaving it as two words could cause readers to interpret it as saying that your referring to Time as a noun that is Lining something as an action - if that’s what you want, that’s cool.
Other than those minor issues, this is a good poem - so don’t take my critique personally b/c it wasn’t meant that way.