A romantic dilemma

I shall cut straight to the heart of it; I’m not one for angsty ranting save for the area of religion.

I am eighteen. She is fifteen. I currently have no prospects for my future - I am unemployed, don’t even have a license, and have only a GED as far as my education goes. I am poor - I live in a mobile home, alone - and can offer her nothing.

I have seduced her once before, a year ago. I shouldn’t have done it, not because of the age distinction - she’s a good deal more mature than I - but because friends of mine ‘interrupted’ us and word got out. She is naturally shy, an introvert much like myself, and she grew to despise me for it.

We’ve just now begun to speak again, and I know that I love her.

I understand that I am young; I also understand that it’s a cliché for the young to say that they’re young. I know very well that she’s much younger yet, and that I took advantage of her at a time in my life when little else mattered to me. And now I desire her more than anything else.

Materially, the only option for me is to move in with my grandmother and grandfather (middle-middle -class) and ask them to teach me to drive. I have no qualm against this or, once I’ve earned my license, finding gainful employment and pursuing my education. I am now at the very center of the proverbial spiral and can only work my way back up from here. Yet I feel as if I lack the motivation to do this without a goal in sight - chiefly, her. To paraphrase the words that so often escape priests during crises of faith, if only she’d give me a sign –

I know that, given time, she could come to love me. I could first befriend her and take her places that she’s never been. But this cannot be if there’s not already a tendency there, in some part of her, some desire for it.

Most of you now know about my ‘nefarious’ past, and my hopes to publish in the near future. And yet it will all be in vain without some reason.

This, I suppose, is a type of nihilism: the nihilism of love.

Is it a total coincidence that this was your 143rd post? Remember when people had pagers, and you typed shit into them like codes or whatever? 143 was like “I love you”, because there’s like 1, 4 and 3 letters in those words in that order. Crazy man. Crazy…

I’m actually a bit young to remember the era of pagers. I do, however, recall the first mass-marketed labtops. Those things were enormous.

I’m a little baked to read back through that again, but did you say how old the chick is now? You’re 18 right?

Yes. And she’s fifteen, but…

Let me show you.

Her MySpace page

She’s incredibly mature, moreso than I am, and just as intellectual, if yet unlearned - in other words, a typical Gawthette.

(For the record, please don’t contact her - a certain messageboard I once posted the link of another girl’s page to thought it’d be humorous to spoil any chance I’d ever have had with her.)

When’s her birthday?

I believe sometime in March. I’ll be nineteen this January. I can wait three years if that’s what is required of me and formulate a friendship in the meantime, but it would be difficult.

Where do you live? Use this chart to consider your options here.

avert.org/aofconsent.htm

The Illinoisan age of consent law is eighteen for all parties; I’ve violated it before and would have no qualms doing it again. That’s not what’s bothering me with this.

Two things.

  1. This conversation in this format is the worst possible thing you can do if you intend to have physical contact with this chick.

  2. What is it that’s bothering you about it then?

  1. My material status. As my posts attest to, I’m far from the most emotionally stable individual in this wide world; and I am poor. This means depression, which has as its consequence a general apathy towards any individual progress which does not have as its immediate goal something tangible. This would mean her, except for

  2. She’s a very fragile, very fickle creature, and I’m not bound to win her over in my present condition which (while also spiraling us back to the first issue) leads us to

  3. I don’t know that I’m good enough for her emotionally. She’s a very serious person, and I’m prone to titanic bouts of ego-induced rage which would make Wagner blush. I’m afraid, not only of what I’ve already done to her, but what I just might do.

I always say, when you’re a broke student or teenager or whatever, why shop for a lifelong mate? It’s a seller’s market!!
Wait until you have that degree or something and then look for a girl younger than you.

I’d have as much fun w/ her as I could get away with but keep your distance. At that age if she’s fickle like you say, that’s all that’s really there for you.

Being good enough for someone emotionally? I’m not even sure I get what that means. You guys are both young. All your relationships will necessarily be sloppy. Have fun. Focus mostly on yourself at this point in your life and when you get straight financially you’ll have the emotional maturity to deal with the stuff money can’t fix. Learn that stuff with no risk,(as long as you wrap it up) by having as much fun as you can now.

Yes, I certainly understand the go-get-'em attitude to relationships that young people are supposed to take, and that anything more is automatically labeled ‘angst’ and sent back to the manufacturer.

If so, then this is angst. I want and will settle for nothing either more or less than her.

Wait a minute; Dionysus, are you really 18? With but only a GED? Are you yanking my leg? I’m sure you’ve been asked this question before, but how and where did you cultivate your linguistic writ? How does one as young tap into such syntactical fluidity? I read you and see no word wasted? What gives? How does this happen? And don’t tell me because you are super smart. You still have to cultivate. So out with it.

As far as your situation goes, you seem to have a pretty good handle on the whole situation. Nothing much to add from this corner. Although, Smears does raise some valid points.

Curious; how are you able to afford living in a mobile home by yourself without employment? What has kept you from getting a license? Sorry, I just find the disparity between your current living conditions and linguistic acuity quite astounding … and only at Eighteen. Again, I’m sorry if you’ve covered this before, I’ve only read you once before in, I believe, the creative writing section? I’ll try to think on your dilemma to see if I can come up with anything. In the meantime, indulge me.

A combination of being read to while in the womb, being taught to read before my first birthday, and early exposure to heavy metal music. I am convinced that without this last element the rest would have been for naught.

I’ve always been poor and trailer-bound, but until last August lived with my mother. To boil it down to the bone, I committed an atrocious crime which estranged my entire family and all of my friends, and very nearly saw me in prison for fifteen years. I do not regret the act itself, merely the bad consequences. Suffice it to say that my mother is now also my neighbor and contributes handily - solely - to the paying of my bills.

So, what are your prospects? College? The next great American Novel? Brooding Rockstar? What are you looking at in terms of goals? If you insist on getting with this girl without anything at this point, at least show some blue prints. Those blue prints being your goals. You don’t seem like one to compromise. Use that to attack a life goal, a passion if you will, apart from her, if you are not already.

You seem heavily self-aware; how did this come about? I’m not confusing self-aware with self-conscious. You seem to have covered every angle I could try to engage. You are even aware of your temperament and how it plays on some possible variables in your life. Not bad. So, how do you see yourself cultivating that angst into some form of fruitful result? In taming (and channeling in a manner you so choose) this particular aspect of yourself you will, I believe, become invincible.

I could say; dude, you are eighteen, take it easy on yourself. But I would be kidding myself. There is something about you. Find out what it is, with or without the girl.

Things I could suggest, I’m sure you might have them on the agenda already: Keep strengthening the mind, strengthen the body (staying healthy and fit), Work on getting a job (you said something about getting published? Keep taking it very seriously), I’m not exactly sure what you did in the past, but it seems you have a pretty good grasp on the situation. I guess the quesition is; do you see it happening again?

Anyway, I know you are not a great deal motivated to do anything at this point, unless it involves her. But until you follow through on some of the general points I just presented, the forecast for your relations is somewhat doomed. Even if you end up with her, you might not feel adequate. Move in with your grandparents. Get this thing going. It just seems like you won’t even have to try too hard to get to where you need to be, but you have to make that decision. Cultivate yourself first, if the girl happens to be part of this process, fine. But this is your horse. Ride.

Dionysus, You know what to do.

Yeah, dude - just get your shit together and go for it. And stop whining. And try to stay out of jail.

And try your best not to broadcast worldwide that you intend to commit statutory rape, anymore.

Yes, Dionysus, I think realunoriginal’s advice is rock solid. Just look at his latest conquest on this very forum.

I wish I had faust’s technique for brevity, and Kriswest’s impeccable insight. I can seriously say that there’s are good points.