I have a problem with getting with the right man. I am convinced that I am just attracted to total dick heads. My mother apparently is as well. For what ever reason every man that I date is lazy, stupid, rude, and selfish. My father seems to also have all these same characteristics. Even when there is a man in my life who you would think would be perfect to date, I am not interested in even when he wants me. Then when the biggest ass comes into my life… I cannot get enough of him. My mother seems to have the same problem. Am I doomed to end up with a man like me father? Is there any way to get away from this?
you will be attracted to whom you are attracted…
you could try dating women, but that probably wouldn’t work…
you could always put yourself in a position where the man was a luxury instead of a need… then it wouldn’t matter if he was less than perfect…
-Imp
The thing to do is to sit down and really think about your thoughts/feelings about the issue. What is it that you think about these “bad” guys and what does liking them say about you.
If you will, develop a philosophy about dating and attraction as it pertains to you. Be brutally honest with yourself.
Starter questions.
-
What is a “bad boy†kind of a guy? As an object what does this type of person represent. Think character in a movie.
-
What is the action (in general) of the “bad boy†in life.
-
What does the “bad boy†seem to need.
-
What does the “bad boy†really need. In other words, what is your personal insight into their psychology.
-
Who are you? What is the persona that the world sees? This might be a casual friend or a new boyfriend.
-
Who are you really? This might be secret fantasies or desires. It might be productive to think of how you were as a kid rather than who you are as an adult.
-
What do you see as your role (or action) in life?
-
What do you wish that you could do in life?
-
What is a man?
-
What is a man’s role in life?
-
What is a woman?
-
What is a woman’s role in life?
-
What is your guiding principle(s) in life?
So, answer those either to yourself or publish them here. Do not be politically correct or polite when answering them. Also, add your own questions if you like.
The goal is to figure out what ideas are motivating you, then you want to ask yourself about the truth or logic of those ideas.
you’re going to end up fucking just like them- end it now. Life isn’t worth living nor the futile belief that it has meaning.
That message from a person that is currently alive and posting!
It is possible to change one’s taste in people. It happens all of the time.
Jessica, how old are you?
I find (and being young(er) myself this might not bear much weight) that younger girls are attracted to ‘the bad boy’ because… well I’m not really sure, so… it could be a mere coincidence that your dad was a ‘bad boy’ and that you’ve dated a couple.
That being said, it is possible to change who you are (if that makes sense), so long as you make it an active investigation. For example if you sit around all day being like ‘am I going to end up like my parents?’ you’ll prolly end up like them… but if you’re doing what you’re doing now and asking questions and examining yourself, chances are you’ll learn from their mistakes and lead a more original life (but this doesn’t mean it’ll be any better than your mom/dad’s… just different )
You’re related to them, and will obviously share similar characteristics… but you were/are only under your parents rule for approx 18 years… you’ve got tons of time to deconstruct yourself if you want to
9 out of 10 guys are not in the top 10%.
It simple mathmatics.
Unless you are willing to share, the odds are against you having one.
With the educational system as it is,…no stress on integrity/personal responsiblity,…the 90% will continue to out breed the 10%.
So, it’s not that you’ve been destined to a life of losers, it’s that you live in a less than acceptable social system.
And really, do you want someone with ‘bad’ as a character reference?
Accept that 95 out of 100 will not measure up, and put yourself in the posistion to find that one,…if only I could bottle that ability,…
Bad boys are just sexier than good ones dear.
Actually it’s about acknowledging the warning signs right from the start. And yes, psychologically you play out the same games that your parents would have…we can learn from this if we choose. Up to you. If you want out, see your own creations and consciously change them.
Much easier said than done - it takes committment.
A
I think part of the issue might be, why are “bad boys” sexier?
Is it because you are more attracted to that kind of person, or do they make themselves more attractive?
“Bad boys” usually are pretty confident, whether it’s real or not doesn’t matter. That perceived confidence gives them an aura that attracts many people, for many different reasons. It’s a lot easier to look at someone who acts (at least) like they know what they want and figure them for a good person to be with.
So is it their natural attractiveness that draws you, or are you also keenly drawn to the bad types, or is it both? I would recommend that you take a good look there as well as some other ideas put forth here. If its just confidence, you can find that somewhere else.
But, bottom line, break the habit. There are way too many good guys looking for love and romance out there to let all the jerks have all the fun.
The current power structure glorifies the he man/tough guy because it knows that chaos is in it’s best interest,…you just fall victim to their machinations,…if you want somebody that attains his goals through violence/deception, you get what you asked for,…
We do follow the aberations of our parents, but only if we follow the voices in our heads.
Think for yourself, question authority.
Why are bad boys so much more attractive? Because we are attracted to ourselves. We are attracted to the people in our lives who will treat us the same way that we treat ourselves. We are always looking in the mirror. This is the gift. When we love and respect ourselves, we naturally draw that which loves and respects us. This is universal law. Like attracts like.
A
umm… so you see yourself with a general indifference to breaking the rules or someone’s face, you show an overall lack of empathy for people?
Hmm… this makes sense for ‘bad’ girls who like bad guys… but not the others.
Old Gobbo,
It’s not as simple as 1,2,3…It’s psychological. I might for example be a good girl (we all know that I am a very good girl ) yet I might not neccessarily treat myself with absolute respect. I might do good things, I might be kind, oh there are an abundance of ways of being ‘good’ yet if I don’t treat msyelf with respect I will naturally draw people towards me that treat me in the same way that I treat myself, my own lack of self respect is condoning their lack of respect for me. It doesn’t make me ‘bad’ and in reality doesn’t make them bad either. All I’m doing is sending out signals that say: “It’s ok to treat me badly”. This all happens on a subconcious level that if we observe our own behaviour more closely we can bring into a more conscious level.
We attract people that reflect our hidden unseen aspects. Our relationships are all mirrors. We can use them to observe and transform our own psychology. It’s a great gift really. Have you heard the expression that when you point fingers there are three fingers pointing back at you. It’s easy to look into the mirror of our relationships and attribute our own behaviour to the other.
That is not to say that there are some people who are genuinly nasty. Of course there are some pretty nasty people and we can never take responsiblity for another human being’s behavior. You do bad, you are responsible. Period. But my responsiblity lies in my attracting you into my life and what if anything I am going to do about it.
We always have an opportunity to heal our ‘issues’. Life presents us with choices that are ours to make.
umm… so you see yourself with a general indifference to breaking the rules or someone’s face, you show an overall lack of empathy for people?
Um…no! What rules are we talking about here? And who’s talking about breaking people’s faces? We don’t break rules here, it’s not very British!
Understanding the psychological nature of mankind has nothing to do with lacking empathy… Things are the way they are, we still have compassion, we still demonstrate love. It’s not for me to judge another’s situation, only to offer an understanding of the hows and whys my dear, and the fact that I want to understand and find solutions demonstrates my love.
A

It’s not as simple as 1,2,3…It’s psychological. I might for example be a good girl (we all know that I am a very good girl ) yet I might not neccessarily treat myself with absolute respect. I might do good things, I might be kind, oh there are an abundance of ways of being ‘good’ yet if I don’t treat msyelf with respect I will naturally draw people towards me that treat me in the same way that I treat myself, my own lack of self respect is condoning their lack of respect for me. It doesn’t make me ‘bad’ and in reality doesn’t make them bad either. All I’m doing is sending out signals that say: “It’s ok to treat me badly”. This all happens on a subconcious level that if we observe our own behaviour more closely we can bring into a more conscious level.
This is very, very true. As someone who probably doesn’t treat themselves nearly as well as I should, I can tell you that I’ve had a lot of people in my life who didn’t treat me as well as I would have liked. But, this is mostly due to the fact that I portray that this behavior is okay. I do it to me, why shouldn’t other people be allowed to as well?
Fortunately though, I now have some people who don’t put up with my crap. One in particular keeps me as much in line as possible and they don’t treat me badly no matter what I do.
My recommendation. Find one of these people. They are rare, but extremely valuable. Even if its not for a romantic relationship, they are the friends that you need in life.
[quote=“liquidangel”]
Old Gobbo,
It’s not as simple as 1,2,3…It’s psychological.
I would like to generalize that with the younger crowd, people tend to be drawn to the “bad boy” look. Its not if we absolutely want to at the time, its as if psychologically, and more so instinctively, they would be the better choice of a mate in our earlier states of evolution. In saying this, a survey of 20 somethings compared with 30 somethings (have no idea where i got this, amazing what you can find on tv) related very easily that the younger ones were attracted to the more outgoing flashy, “bad boy types” while the older 30 somethings were drawn to more stability and reassurance instead. So I wonder is it just because of you now? Will you change later on in life. Also I’d like to piont out that if you are still young, pboably under 23, don’t worry about it, you’ve got a long life ahead of you, try on some hats and eventually you’ll find the one that fits.
Dear Jessica,
Though plenty of good advice has been offered on this thread I’ll suggest a few things that occurred to me, take them as you wish…

I have a problem with getting with the right man.
Relationships are tough and it requires patience to find the right sort of person. Most relationships end because the people were never suitable in the first place, most relationships start out of boredom, impatience, social expectation or desperation.
I am convinced that I am just attracted to total dick heads.
As Gobbo pointed out, if you think like this then you’ll act like this. Just as if I spent my time thinking ‘I’m intellectually talentless’ I’d tend to act in such a manner that would confirm this self-assessment. I think your problem is with your view of yourself rather than with the manner in which you select whom to date.
My mother apparently is as well.
You are not your mother. Remember that.
For what ever reason every man that I date is lazy, stupid, rude, and selfish.
Or rather, for whatever reason every man that you date you come to view as lazy, stupid, rude and selfish. I’m suggesting this because it may be that the guys you date are decent enough but that your expectations (and their desire to fulfill your expectations) make you engineer situations where they demonstrate their lazy, stupid, rude elements and you go away with the satisfaction that your prediction has been verified.
This could be wrong, but I’d like you to consider it.
My father seems to also have all these same characteristics.
The guys you date are not your father, remember that.
Even when there is a man in my life who you would think would be perfect to date, I am not interested in even when he wants me.
Because your desire is not for the date but to verify your prediction that you only choose the bad guys. I don’t know why but you clearly want to be seen as a girl (or woman, whatever) who picks wrong 'uns, and you’ve basically admitted that you do this deliberately to confirm your desired view of the world and your place in it.
The good news is that it’s all an invention and therefore can be deconstructed and turned into something else…
Then when the biggest ass comes into my life…
funnyinside.com/BigGirlDance.shtml
I cannot get enough of him. My mother seems to have the same problem. Am I doomed to end up with a man like me father? Is there any way to get away from this?
Yes, admit to yourself that you’ve got into a cycle of behaviour to verify your own view of the world and you in it and that you’ve met perfectly decent guys but deliberately sabotaged the possible relationships with them because you know they would invalidate your view, which you value as being of more importance than your happiness in relationships.
Then move on and date a good guy, taking into the possible relationship an optimistic, affirmative attitude.
How important is it for you to find the ‘right’ man? (or a passable man?)
How important is it for you to have a career? less? more?
Are you intimidated by men more intelligent than you? (finding someone -just- as smart as you could be tricky).
why are they lazy? why are they rude? and even when you’ve decided they’re worthless, what about them still attracts you?
How old are you, and how old are they?
I have seen many a matured man sets himself out in silent but determined seek for the kind of girls that he adores. He has a love vision, plan, creative intuition in combination with his wisdom gained from experiencial introspection. I have not seen many a woman actually doing that properly, although a lot of them talk about it all the time. Coffee is usually less helpful to reasoning than books is. It seems to me that acquiring a satisfactory love life demands from you the same things that your career does. That would be strength, patience and other basic personal factors. All these qualities can be sumed up as the ability to create. He who creates for himself, shall overcome his existential difficulties. Creativity is the only way out and forward. Too many people are weakened by the mysterious and overwhelming romanticist atomosphere surrounding their alter love, in front of which their creativity and their whole person get weak in the knee. Thus you feel trapped. So try to create. Learn to create. Dare to create. Live to create. Create in all transcendental realms of the world. Thus shall you firstly, find yourself and then may you secondly, overcome yourself. It is the way of a happy life that is worthy of eveybody’s time. The fact that you are feeling like your parents, is a simple creation of your mind. It is a good sign, a step into the right direction. It is another wise choice that you made in dicussing about it here in the philosophy forums. Think your way out, as simple and as tough as that. God will not help you, either because he is not there or he just loves to watch people screwing up. Fate and chance, don’t even bother thinking about surrounding to them, for they are the devil original, to whose paws countless fresh flesh and blood are lost. If life is a struggling battle on the field of society, then the mind is your sword and shield. Your weapon is not your clothes or makeups, not even your sultry boobs or ample bums, without a working brain you are fucked all your life, both physically and existentially. Too bad many people fail to realise the absolute significance to live as a constant and serious thinker. That is ever the good news or those who are successful, their old same secrate of success, irrespective of who they are and what they do, is to think. Acting happens before thinking, you can’t afford to let it happen the other way, unless you can turn the clock backwards. On the optimistic ground though, there is the eternal recurrence, so you will always get chances to redeem, unfortunately it will be redemption with a price. Don’t talk so pessimestically as if you have little hope. How could you possibly know of that desolate concept, which is for white haired and totally screwed people. “No more hope” is ever the reason why good poetry and music exist, if you listen to Beethoven’s opus 109 and don’t find any tear on your cheeks after the last cadence, then don’t pretend that you are already a strong camel carrying mountains of tragedies on your back. You have yet to thoroughly discover your capabilaities. In that respect, you are not comepletely who you innately are yet. I am repeating myself now. Don’t ever let you repeat yourself, as it is a sign of lacking progress in creativity.
You will go for the wrong man until you get sick of them like too much chocolate.
The selfish men are more cunning at getting you to like them, because it takes a selfish man to put his needs into top gear. (Maybe you will understand that, maybe not.)
I am a nice guy. I have watched my girlfriends all topple over the selfish guys. They come to me afterwards for support. I support them, and suddenly they are attracted to me. This doesn’t work for me though, because I am taking second place. Not a good situation.
Best thing to do is to get on with your life. You will be attracted to the wrong guys, you can’t stop yourself. Later in life you will be attracted to the nice guys.
IT ALL DEPENDS ON YOUR CHOICE duh…com c