I need to ask a question to those who have been in love. I myself have tried to avoid long term/loving relationships previously but I have met a girl who I have now been seeing for two months. I am having trouble deciding whether I am in love or not, at times I think I am, and at times I think I am not.
Has anyone felt like this before? I have heard many cliched statements that when you are in love “you just know”. Is this typical hollywood romantic comedy propaganda? How do the wise people of ILP know that they are in love?
Help would definitely be appreciated as this is chewing up valuable brain capacity at the moment.
Hi Noel,
I too have pondered the same question a number of times. I too have received the very same answers from others “You just know” and I can’t help but think that to be exactly like you said “typical hollywood romantic comedy propaganda”. In my opinion, very few people can stand philosophy. This is to say that the majority of people are annoyed at deep thinking. I believe that to understand love, one must be capable, willing, and even love to think deeply.
Instances or the existence of ‘true love’ aside, I myself have been in two major relationships in my life. Did I love them? I believe I did. Did they love me? I believe they did. Why? Because I know myself very well and I got to know them very well too. There are general notions people like to hang onto, like if a guy brings you a rose when there is no special occasion then he really cares for you. That may be true for some, but not for others. My point is simply that we need to get to know our significant others on an individual basis and not on some kind of Chateleine magazine scale. Once you get to know a person then things begin to surface which most people would never think was love but you know it is because of what you know about the other person. For instance, my first big relationship I dated a girl at a young age (we were both young) and she was quite the liar. She lied about everything she possibly could. She lied to everyone, me, her parents, her friends, even herself sometimes. However, when it came to me she always came out with the truth within a two month period. She didn’t have to, it wasn’t like I caught her in a lie (though I had many times before but she would stick to her guns). When she felt the time was right, she came and told me the truth (and no she wasn’t waiting for a weak moment when I wouldn’t get upset with her for a lie). It was actually strange, cause even after we broke up and we were only friends she continued to tell me the truth about things which happened about a month prior to. Now, to most people that would probably not seem like love, but I knew it was because I knew what she was like - she didn’t go around reminding people of what the truth really was, only me. I also remember she once stole from me, but she stole because she wanted so bad to buy me things that she wanted to buy me. So she stole and bought me things that I didn’t need but they did in deed make me happy.
This is why I believe what the Oracle said in the Matrix to be the truth: “No one can tell you you’re in love, you just know it” … now to many this may appear like the cliche “you just know” for love, but I don’t think it is, I think it means that love is a relative thing, but that doesn’t make it indescribable. I think it is only people who don’t understand themselves and their emotions that don’t know how to explain their love.
Thank you for your reply, it is much appreciated. If you don’t mind, i’ll try to summarise and maybe extrapolate what you said. Let me know if I get it wrong.
Love is relative and unique for each person. The way one person defines and experiences love may be very different to how another does. Trust seems to play an important role, so does ones understanding of their partner in love and ones understanding of themselves.
I think my understanding of myself is where I am running into trouble. Having never been in love before and being a little untrusting of pure emotions without reasoning, I am having trouble determining exactly how I feel. I guess the thing I am wondering is, will I know I am in love in a blinding flash of revelation, or will I just get less and less uncertain over time? I guess I am getting a tad impatient with myself
How did you know? Any further comments would be appreciated
It matters for a few reasons. Firstly, she has told me that she loves me and I would honestly like to reciprocate those feelings. Secondly, I have a personal desire to experience first hand this all-encompasing, grand emotion that everyone is raving about. Thirdly, if I cannot ever see myself loving this girl, is it a relationship worth being in? Fourthly, I really dislike not knowing where I stand with myself, so it would be nice to know one way or the other. At the moment I am in no-mans land.
Well, why don’t you just tell her that you love her then; it sure sounds like you do from over here. See how saying it to her makes you feel. I bet when you say it, you’ll feel like you love her. If anything, you love her as a friend, so if you’re apprehensive with being dishonest (which I imagine you are), you’re still in the clear.
You probably feel it, but over-analyze it too much.
Yes, yes, yes. Look, you’re probably in your teens or twenties. Just date the girl. By dating her, you’ll either grow to love her or grow to dislike her. One of them will happen. Let time do all the thinking for you.
You DO know where you stand- no man’s land. Just accept it for the time being, and enjoy yourself with the girl.
I really don’t know. Some claim it’s possible to fall in love simply seeing the person for the first time, while others say that love isn’t something momentary…like marriage…it’s define by lengths of time. Hence, love is something of an agglomeration of experiences with another person that are unique in comparison to relationships with others. My personal opinion is somewhere inbetween the above two. I’ve dated a girl who loved me, stated she loved me, but I couldn’t say it back…it was really weird (the situation). But one day out of nowhere I realized that I loved this girl, I began to analyse this feeling to see if it wasn’t just a whimsical feeling, and I started to understand that I did in fact love her. Put another way, I had reasons for loving her, I came to understand her, myself, and the two of us in this merger called love. yack That almost sounded like a business merger or something, sorry. Love is something that happens, it’s good to analyse it, just make sure you’re not analysing in the midst of a loving moment with her cause it might begin to work against you (the analysing I mean).
There are only two ways of knowing whether or not you are in love; retrospectively, and introspectively.
So you can either dump her (you’ll know very quickly whether you are in love with her then)
Or do some serious soul searching. Ask yourself the question ‘if she left me tomorrow, how would I feel?’. Or even ‘is my life as worthwhile without her?’.
The first option is a stupid one, don’t do it (but plenty do, and live to regret it).
Also, and more annoyingly, I have to say ‘you just know’. The reason this cliche is bandied about so much is because there is a lot of truth in it. Equally, however, there are different degrees of love so if you love her enough for your own satisfaction then what does it matter?
Personally, I had been in two long-term relationships before I met my husband. With both, I was in love and it was all very nice, but the moment I met my husband my entire universe turned upside down. It wasn’t like any dictionary definition of love I had ever heard of.
Is love being treated as a noun or a verb? Is love a state of being? Or is loving another person an action, an activity?
Sometimes you ‘are loving’ her and some times you ‘aren’t loving’ her.
Now are you infatuated with her? Does the thought of her make you smile? Does the scent of her hair move you? Does being together with her make doing things better?
How much do you trust this girl? You can only love as deeply as you trust. If your trust is shallow then your love will be shallow too.
Being in love is irreducible. No summary, no words can desribe it.
“No one, not even the poets, can describe how much love the heart can hold.”