Can someone please critique my excerpt?

Hello. Below is an excerpt I’ve written for a larger work. I’m looking for some honest feedback about it. Can anyone offer any?

it was the same feeling as when he was a younger boy, during recess with the other schoolchildren, when he had boldly proclaimed his superiority, and when warned by the sixth grade physics olympiad title holder (who being a full year older imparted a world of wisdom) that he had consumed too much ice cream and cake, lost to one his lesser-known competitors, a wobbly legged, bespectacled sporophyte, and became the laughingstock of his friends and enemies, due solely to an ignorance of his bodily humors.

It’s descriptive enough but it’s a run on sentence. Hard to read.

Godawful. Break it up.

It was the same feeling he’d experienced as a younger boy when once, during recess with the other schoolchildren, he had boldly proclaimed his superiority. That done, despite his having been warned by the current sixth grade olympiad title holder that he’d eaten too much ice cream and cake, he had insisted on competing anyway. Promptly losing to one of the lesser-known competitors - a wobbly legged, bespectacled nerd - he had then become the laughingstock of his friends and enemies, due solely to his ignorance of the limits of his digestive capacity.

Still Godawful, but at least it scans.

To be at a fair,

There is more to eat than ice cream and cake. Some people go on dates and have corn dogs and fried dough. Sometimes there is a pie eating contest with delicious apple pies where contestant don’t use their hands.

Trolling

xoxohth.com/thread.php?threa … 2#10505306

Vast improvement, don’t quit your day job,(n00b).

But Fred, this is my day job. I get paid and everything.

“Noob”.

Funny.

=D>

talking to whobeke, thread starter, post 1, i.e. n00b.

lol.

whobeke is actually not the person who posted that. another poster - “pudsmack” from the law board over at XOXO has been posting this message in numerous forums to make whobeke feel unintelligent.

Sorry FWN.

We seem to have been caught in a clash of assholes from other boards.

Hey spammers - fuck off.

Apology accepted.