Note: What I refer to about what BlurredSavant said is inaccurate, I misread it. So yeah, don’t take the below as the truth. My bad Blurred. Thanks Philowski
This was inspired by a post BlurredSavant made, in which she said she wouldn’t have children. I can’t say so for myself with absolute conviction and certainty, but for some time now whenever I’ve considered it pros (the ideals that would make it a good thing) were quickly drowned out by the cons.
These cons do pertain to societal conditions (How the children would live “in this world”), but that is more of the setting/foundation of it seems it would be problematic… for me. I pretty much feel like the burden would be too much for me (personally… my attributes, the way I think, my concerns, all that). Compared to a lot of people, I tend to lack much confidence that (doing, or having, or not doing or not having) A will “be good” (will have the overall best results/outcome/future situations/chances/etc.); that itself isn’t that big of a deal anymore (at least in my day to day life), but if I had a child that I wanted to be (and grow to be) as content (overall, with his life) and healthy as possible, I don’t think I’d be able to just brush off these uncertainties. I don’t know how I would be able to relax, knowing that things are going okay. I suppose that’s what happens when you have studied a great deal of both psychology and philosophy?
Anyway, for those of you that don’t have children, do you think you would like to at some point in your life? For those that don’t, why not?
For those of you that do, did you ever think similarly to what I describe above? Have your experiences been different than you expected?
I think I just read through the read which contains the post you are referring too.
And I think you’re jumping to conclusions when you state “she said she wouldn’t have children”. All this person said was that they weren’t raising any children, which refers to the present. “I don’t plan on raising children” would imply that she doesn’t want to have kids, but the above quoted statement leaves the possibility open.
It is easy to look around at the world, your society, and find all the negative things you wouldn’t want a child to deal with. Before children, I had resolved to have just one, if any. Three oops later… a girl and two boys. Was having children different than what I expected? Yes. But not because I really had a clue as to what to expect. Having children is transformational. It changes EVERYTHING, but you only see this many years later. Like anything else, there are positives and negatives in becoming a parent. The obvious problem is that they always send us inexperienced people to do the job. But if you’ll pay attention, your children will raise you up to be a reasonably solid adult. You see, that’s the best and most profound part of having children. It’s a reciprocal relationship. You raise them, they raise you. You “grow up” together. You have to know that you will screw the job up. There is no such thing as the perfect parent. But children won’t look for perfection, they will only see intent. A hands-on parent striving to help their children become whole adults will always have the comfort of knowing they tried their damndest.
There are many things in my life that I failed to give the proper attention - with the expected results. But if there is anything of which I can claim a smidgeon of pride, it is that I worked hard to be the best parent I could be, and as I look at my children I see the results of all that work. If there is anything more rewarding than that, I don’t know what it would be. But looking back, would I have chosen to have children? Probably not. I wasn’t exactly a prime candidate for parenthood. But the children did a pretty good job of raising me, and today I can say with confidence that parenting was the only and greatest triumph of my life. So don’t be afraid to have children. It may be the only worthwhile thing you ever do in your life.
Pretty much what Tent said i agree with. I have one human kid and a whole house full of fourlegged kids and trust me the four legged kids are not that much different than human kids if you really accept them as family.
To save repeating myself, I’ll give you the short version - damned if you do, damned if you don’t. They are the best things in my life, but to be honest, this is in context of children being so large they blot out pretty much everything else in your life, so by default, they become the centre.
There is really only a certain amount of control which we have when it comes to raising children. The only reason to bring one into the world is because you want to give Life and want to nurture/nourish that life. That lonely impulse of delight…(Yeats)
So we can either walk toward that precipice and take the giant leap or walk away from it. We can’t know the beauty and the wonderful challenges that are there until and unless we take that leap. I think that, aside from that, so much depends on this strange thing called the graciousness of the universe. Waiting for ‘the other shoe to drop’ as you express above, is counter-productive. Living in the moment, within every moment, inasmuch as we can without fear, allows us to intuit that the present moment will take care of itself. It takes a strong leap of blind faith and trust, I think, especially of one’s self, to bring a child into the world and trust that all will be well because you do still, have some control, though not much. But what you do have is the instinct to love and to teach and to ‘be there’. If you do not, don’t have a child.
There are so many wonderful and terrible possibilities that can occur and so much writing straight with crooked lines, that happens within our lives as parents. How can we possibly know the outcome of anything? It all really comes down to wanting to give a human life a chance to come into this world and cherishing that life. And we are the only ones who can make that decision.
But I am personally a testament and an example, as so, so, so many of us are, to a really gracious universe; don’t ask me how, despite a particular set of parents who do not cherish or follow through.
Experiences are very often, most often, different than what you expect. That’s what any true experience is – not an expectation. But I would not personally change a thing…and as long as we realize that they do not ‘belong’ to us, our childre….our mistakes may be lessened.
I planned not to have children…and didn’t for the first part of my adulthood. Then ended up with two during the middle chapters. I don’t think anyone is ever prepared for how they change your life and I agree with Tab that they take over the center previously occupied by yourself, lol. I must’ve read 25 parenting books before I became one and therefore I thought I knew what to do to be a perfect parent. Joke was on me…your kids teach you how to be the parent (which includes a lot of imperfection), nobody else can do that. They also teach you to appreciate the beauty of a flower made out of colored paper with a grainy photo of a kid’s face in the center. Or to let it go when they run through the house and knock over and chip the beloved vase you got in Barcelona back in the days when you could actually travel to places other than Disneyland, basketball tournaments and camping spots. It’s just a vase, after all. (ack!)
On top of all that, they’ll turn 13 and you don’t wanna know what THAT’S like. Let’s just say that nature equips the parental unit with a fierce love for its children that can even overcome that. Usually. Not too long ago I was reduced to beseeching the monstrous beast who had taken over my sweet boy’s body to please return him to me. And, oh god, the music! I retaliate by playing Mozart during dinner.
Still…there’s this lingering vision of my younger son’s first day of kindergarten that seems never to be far from the surface for me. I was standing there with the other parents as the kids sat down at their little desks for the first time and all of a sudden I was overcome with emotion watching him begin the journey. I had this strong sense of how pure that moment was, right then and there. I had to leave the room because my eyes started tearing up and I was embarrassed.
You only get a precious few of those moments…and you get a lot more when you want to stick them out in the front yard with a “For Sale” sign hanging around their little necks (after checking to see if they’re clean)…but you do it and it’s the predominant focus of your life and you finally understand what it means to know that you’d sacrifice that life for someone else if necessary.
I have no advice, really. But if you think you’re inadequate now, wait until your teenager offers up his opinion on that. Hah! Oh, I do have one suggestion: if you want a life AND want kids, do the life in the first ten years. And take plenty of pictures so that you can pull them out now and then to remind yourself that you really were that person who did those things.
I can’t believe you thought of putting a “For Sale” sign on your kids. I always wanted to put the “Free to a Good Home” sign on mine…
Teenagers are easy. I loved working with my kids, all kids, as teenagers. You treat them as young adults and have adult expectations of them and damned if they won’t perform occasionally. I found that teenagers will act more like adults than our so-called adult friends most of the time. It’s the 3-9 years children I’d rather not deal with. With so little experience in reasoned thinking, they are a PIA. But teenagers? They’re fun. Let them puff up their little balloons then hand them the hatpin.
duct tape and tasers for teens. They could try the patience of a reallllllly patient Saint. A house full of rowdy Teen boys and girls , since my house was the house… I learned alot about patience and empty stomachs = empty pantry and fridge in one afternoon
Blurred that is fantastic that you know what you want. Not all people should be parents, not all people should want to be parents and personally I am of the opinion that too many people are parents when they should not be. I have my moments when i fit into that category.
I honestly think that to be a parent you should have a license, take some tests prove you can afford it then have your kids. Until then we all should have reversible sterilization processes done just to keep those unexpected accidents from occurring in 9 months. If I had to qualify for parenting i probably would have failed as probably my husband would have, considering the type of tests I would promote. I would not change my life for the world i love my kid more than anything but, honesty is honesty. i probably suck as a parent. I just hope we did not screw him up too badly
Yeah, GROCERIES! The daughter had her friends, but the boys… something else. My house was the house that other parents called looking for their kids. The boys and their friends were called the deck monkeys (by me). When I got home from work, I never knew if I would be feeding 5 or 15. It depended on how many were hanging around on the deck waiting to be fed. Our grocery bill could have supported a small restaurant - because that’s what we were. I wouldn’t have had it any other way, actually. I always knew what was of momentary importance in their lives, always knew what they were up to, and was always there to provide wise(??? ) counsel when they were thinking of getting into trouble. Best of all, I was privileged to watch boys grow into young men. In return, they kept me “young” and hopeful for the future of the world. It was an excellent trade - even at the cost of supporting a grocery store.
Exactly! also, my husband and I both grew up with multiple siblings both our homes were always filled to the brim with bodies and noise. So having only one kid we sort of enjoyed having all his friends around, it felt like home. The kids that were unaccepted at other homes found our home to be accepting. You know the kids, the ones that dressed differently, acted differently and the hoodlums. You know we never had a problem. Ground rules were set and they accepted them graciously. One main rule was no cussing in the house or around any adult. If that occured a bar of ivory was brought out and the kid had to take a bite. You know his friends still talk about that with laughter. I guess it turned into an initiation for the new kids. Darn near everyone broke that rule because they were encouraged to by their cohorts just to see them bite the bar. I did not know this until they all grew up. No one did it more than once. Give kids a place to respect and have respect given they seem to always turn out pretty good even though the rest of the world looks down on them.The benifit to our son was enormous , he learned to give people a chance without judging them by their looks. One “hoodlum” went on to college, she began to respect herself and accept. I understand she has done quite well. I don’t take much credit for that but I do know we helped somewhat.
or walk away from it. We can’t know the beauty and the wonderful challenges that are there until and unless we take that leap. I think that, aside from that, so much depends on this strange thing called the graciousness of the universe. Waiting for ‘the other shoe to drop’ as you express above, is counter-productive. Living in the moment, within every moment, inasmuch as we can without fear, allows us to intuit that the present moment will take care of itself. It takes a strong leap of blind faith and trust, I think, especially of one’s self, to bring a child into the world and trust that all will be well because you do still, have some control, though not much. But what you do have is the instinct to love and to teach and to ‘be there’. If you do not, don’t have a child.
They could try the patience of a reallllllly patient Saint. A house full of rowdy Teen boys and girls , since my house was the house… I learned alot about patience and empty stomachs = empty pantry and fridge in one afternoon 
) counsel when they were thinking of getting into trouble. Best of all, I was privileged to watch boys grow into young men. In return, they kept me “young” and hopeful for the future of the world. It was an excellent trade - even at the cost of supporting a grocery store. 