He was afraid of rejection. Wondered if his time came if he could face the ultimate rejection. Especially from the one. But then, these are just snippets, and wasn’t he raised to stand his ground? Was his real motive totally unselfish, and only based on wanting to get through to the other side? Getting through to the other side, meant hallucinating artificially, maybe taking something to cause deliberate hallucinations, the other side meant something more then just a personal trip of the ego, it meant being able to get through, and even if these snippets never ever got published as for his son, in a regular way, he would save, and prove to him he would because he promised it to him, and even if he had to try to save to get it out somehow, for him, because he promised to do so. He was always trying to be good, even as little to redeem himself, and he so much wanted to grow up, and be accepted.