chuckle

How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel?

When you call the front desk and say “I’ve gotta leak in my sink” and the person at the front desk says “go ahead.”

-Imp

check out blowdarts:

Blowdarts Link <click me, bea-chiz>

I give you that one, you can have it for free and “on the house”. 1 nil to you.

My personal favorite:

What do you do with an elephant with three balls on him?

Walk him, and pitch to the giraffe.

So a guy walks into a bar right?.. … … and he says ouch!

Be careful with that one ^ … it’s an antique

so a nihilist and a determinst walk into the existential bar.

The nihilist asks for nothing and the determinist chuckles saying he knew the nihilist would ask for nothing.

The bar tender gives the determinist nothing, and advice to the nihilist.

“If you want to find happiness, don’t hang around with such depressing friends.”

The nihilist just glazed blankly at the bartender and the determinist laughed saying, “Typical existentialist BS.”

hehehe thanks, scythekain

ETIQUETTE TIPS FOR REDNECKS
PERSONAL HYGIENE

  • Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be hand-me-down item.

  • While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.

  • Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

  • Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.

  • Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. It’s a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.

DINING OUT

  • When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.

  • If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

  • Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

  • A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

  • Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

  • Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.

  • If your dog falls in love with a guest’s leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.

-Imp

Fun things to do in an elevator:

  1. Make explosion sounds whenever someone touches a button.
  2. Stand with a goofy grin on your face looking at whoever gets in before finally announcing ‘I’m wearing new underwear’
  3. Stand facing a corner from the time anyone gets in, to when they finally leave.
  4. Draw a square on the floor and announce to everyone angrily that ‘this is your square’
  5. Ask someone ‘which floor’ and then while pressing their button say ‘Yeah… that sounds good I’ll follow you’

WHAT NOT TO SAY TO A POLICE OFFICER

  1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

  2. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.

  3. Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?

  4. Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

  5. Are You Andy or Barney?

  6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer

  7. You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?

:sunglasses: I pay your salary!

  1. Gee, Officer! That’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

  2. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

  3. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That’s how far ahead of me they are.

  4. When the Officer says “Gee Son…Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?” You probably shouldn’t respond with,“Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?”

  5. What? You need a license to drive?

  6. Wow, no wonder your wife sleeps around, with your breath!

  7. Is your power a penis substitute?

  8. Yes, I know my driving is not 100%, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk

  9. Can you come back in 5 minutes? I’m in the middle of a telephone conversation.

  10. Oops…I thought you were a prostitute.

  11. Do I have any fruits or vegetables? I don’t know. Is cocaine a fruit or vegetable?

  12. A hundred dollar fine? Well, I think George Washington can change your mind

  13. Did you pull me over because of the drugs under the seat, the body in the trunk, or the burned out tail-light?

  14. Whoops, that’s the fake one… here ya go, this is the one.

  15. Gee, that gut sure doesn’t inspire confidence

  16. Is it true that guys become cops because they can’t work at McDonald’s ?

  17. Thanks Officer, that last cop only gave me a warning, too

  18. My gun fell off my lap and got lodged on the gas pedal

  19. Hey, is that a 9mm ? That’s nothing compared to this .44 magnum!

  20. Do you have any idea how much of a hurry I’m in?

  21. You’re lucky this car needs a tune-up or you’d have never caught me

  22. In California we drive like that all the time, what’s the problem?

  23. If you’d try the stuff I just had, you wouldn’t be so damn uptight

  24. Aren’t there real crooks somewhere you should be catching?

  25. Well, those two other guys didn’t stop for that school bus either

  26. Yes, I saw your lights on, but I thought you going to get a doughnut

  27. Just had to try out that new siren, didn’t you?

  28. Do you have any idea who you’re talking to?

  29. There’s no way I was going 85. I had the cruise set at 80.

  30. What’s wrong, Ossifer? I swear to drunk I’m not God! And really, there is no blood in my alchohol

  31. That uniform makes your ass look really big.

  32. You don’t happen to have any beer in your car?

  33. I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

  34. So what if I was speeding? Whatcha gonna do about it Mr. Hotshot?

  35. I’m not as think as you stoned I am.

  36. Officer: “Do you know how fast you were going”
    Driver “No I’m too stoned to remember”

Thanks to Simon for the two points above!

  1. Its tobacco, honest

This reminded me of the story of a student taking his final exam.
He arrived late and didn’t finish his final exam
until well after the time for the test was up.
He went down to the Professor’s table where
the other tests stood in a pile.

The professor said, “I can’t accept that test,
you went over the time limit.”

The student shouted in anger, “Do you know who I am?
Do you know who I am?”

The professor said, “No, I don’t know and I don’t care.”

“Good,” said the student, and calmly put his exam
in the middle of the pile of tests and left.

mrn

LOL! :laughing:

Fun with puns:

  1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
    The wedding wasn’t much, but the reception was just great.

  2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll
    serve you, but don’t start anything.”

  3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

  4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

  5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under
    his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

  6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
    “Does this taste funny to you?”

  7. “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of
    Home.’” “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.” “Is it
    common?” Well, “It’s Not Unusual.”

  8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy
    says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I
    don’t believe you,” says Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.

  9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids
    were nothing to look at either.

  10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

  11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day
    but I couldn’t find any.

  12. I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel.

  13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

  14. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”

Hello? Is thing on…? Can you hear me in the back…?

LOL

-Imp

Redneck Logic

Two rednecks decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic. “What’s Logic?” the first redneck asks.

The professor answers by saying, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?”

“I sure do.”
“Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replied the professor.

“That’s real good!” says the redneck.

The professor continues, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.”

Impressed, the redneck says,“Amazin!”

“And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.”

“That’s Betty Mae!This is incredible!”

The redneck is obviously catching on.

“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,” said the professor.

“You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard! I can’t wait to take that logic class!!”

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.

“So what classes are ya takin’?” asks the friend.

“Math, History, and Logic!” replies the first redneck.

“What in tarnation is logic???” asked his friend.

“Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?” asked the first redneck.

"No,"his friend replied.

“You’re gay aint ya?”

-Imp

Redneck is sitting at the bar flirting with a woman sitting next to him.

After a few minutes of conversation, the redneck asks if she would like to go to her place and have sex.

She replies “I can’t, I’m on my menstrual cycle.”

Redneck says, “That’s okay, I’m on my moped…I’ll follow you.”

:laughing:

you know, I was listening to the news and I noticed the London Police Commissioner Ian Blair was knighted but he probably hasn’t ever been to Damascus…

-Imp

:smiley:
Female Interviewer: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

General Reinwald: We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

Interviewer: Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?

General: I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

Interviewer: Don’t you admit this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching childre?

General: I don’t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

Interviewer: But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.

General: Well you’re equipped to be a prostitute but you’re not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

:smiley: Bessy, I love Heinlein and have his entire works. I know, he was a survialist, but a fun read.