CONFIDENCE
What, once one meets maturity, can one be confident about? The functions of ones body (but that takes care of itself); what else? If I am honest with myself my secret inner sense of ‘confidence’ in the past was closely linked to false pride and mild delusion. This issue is something which the ego more and more seems to have to negotiate in daily affairs. The more you realise how arbitrary you are, and indeed, every soul on this planet is, the less I, at least, feel I have very much to ‘say’. Social situations increasingly seem a matter of intuition. There has been a long painful stretch of closely observing the reality that passed second by second before me in uncomfortable or stressful situations (work mostly). I have found, luckily, that this tends to evaporate some as you become more aware of general ‘truths’, behavioural patterns, yet this does not amount to ‘confidence’. Far from it. I think alot about the Buddhist notion of impermanence these days. The fact that this computer and all in this room will quite soon waste away; here is where ‘certainty’ lies and proves the inadequacy of this word. There is a commitment to not really ‘getting stuck’ a nerve I think. I am still dancing around the notion. Afraid of the fact that, ‘I’ along with the computer and the room will leak away and I have no say in the matter, whatever attitude I choose to clothe myself with each day.