Dear Magius (Abbey)

I thought it might be fun to have a dear abbey on Ilovephilosophy.
So anyone whose interested in sharing their issues and asking for advice…write away! Please keep in mind this caveat: this is only for fun. I am not taking any responsibility for other’s actions or thoughts, I try not to give advice to people, and when I do I am very careful with what I say. But this thread was made only for fun.

Here is the payment breakdown:
Questions which require an answer = $1.00
…answers requiring thought = $2.00
…correct answers = $4.00

Dumb looks are still free! = :confused:

In order to make your payments, simply click here
and follow the PAYPAL instructions. Post your situation and your question regarding your advice request and I will respond as soon as possible.

[By the way, the payment is a joke which is why here isn’t actually a link (for those of you that tried) and you don’t have to pay for my answers/advice]

So what’s your issue?

Huh??? Your hyperlinks are not “functional”, by the way. Please tell me you are not serious. :confused: :confused: :wink:

My eyes are rolling as hard as possible at the moment.

I have issues with people that think they have answers to every other person’s problems. They keep giving me bad advice because they fail to completely grasp the entire situation at hand. For some reason, though, I keep coming to these people for help. Hell, at one point, I even paid someone to tell me what was wrong with me! $80 an hour for three months to find that I’m healthy, just slightly depressed.

Help! Everywhere I turn, there’s people postured and ready to give bad advice!

What should I do?

Gives you $4

Actually there is a study on horseraceing that after a certian degree of information people start makeing worse descisions. So perhapse advice is usefull percicely because the other doesn’t grasp the full situation.

Huh? I don’t understand what you are trying to say. :confused: :wink:

Dear Magius,

I have a “undescended testicle,” what do i do?

Here’s $2.

I never realised there was a study into this because its quite, quite real. It’s a question of doubt.

kesh’s horse racing tips:

The most reliable bet is at the lower end of the price range. Picking the most likely favorite is what you do. As, i any given week there will be at least two favorites which are pure winners, and on average 50% of winning horse’s are favorite’s.

Never bet on all weather course’s.

You have three bets that week, carry your winning’s on. Say you bet $50 and win $110, then bet $110 and get to the $200 mark. Then, if you lose your really only losing $50 and a bit of time.

A(86) 104
B(95) 101
C(51) 94
D(41) 94
E(91) 91
F(40) 84
G(72) 72
H(39) 52

Here the top three are horses A,B and C. The last time out the top three (the figures in brackets) were B, E and A. The two coinciding horses A and B qualify for further consideration, the rest are neglected.
The horses must have been placed in at least half of their races this season. If they haven’t run this season then you can rule them out.
The trainer must be one of the top 20 trainers (in the most recent list given in the Racing Post). If on a day a list greater than 20 is given then the trainers who produce more than 30% winners qualify also (but only on the day they appear in the table).
In the form races the horses must have been placed in a race of greater or within 25% of the value of todays race (this is achieved by multiplying the value of todays race by 0.75 or three quarters and then comparing.
These are the rules specific to National Hunt Racing:-
Rule out the following:-
Horses which haven’t run within 35 days
Horses aged 12 or over
Horses which are odds on in the betting forecast
Ignore horses carrying 11-7 and above. Only consider horses carrying 11-3 and above if they have been placed carrying within 2lbs of todays weight.
A horse must be able to handle the distance therefore it must be either a distance winner (indicated by a (D)), or placed 4 lengths behind in a race within 1 furlong of todays distance or won a race within 2 furlongs. (Remember there are 8 furlongs in a mile).
If more than one horse remains then rule out the race. If 1 horse remains then that is the selection.
These are the specific rules for Flat Racing:-
Rule out the following:-
Horses that haven’t run within 28 days.
Horses aged 8 or over.
Horses which are odds in the betting forecast.
Ignore horses carrying 9-7 and above. Only consider horses carrying 9-3 and above if they have been placed carrying within 2 lbs of todays weight.
A horse must be able to handle the distance therefore it must be either a distance winner (indicated by a (D) ) or placed 2 lengths behind in a race within ½ furlong of todays distance or won a race within 1 furlong.
If more than 1 horse remains then rule out the race. If 1 horse remains then that is your selection.

Another method: a better method.

You pick the top 5 fav.

It is possible to evaluate a horse based on its last outing. This makes sense. After all, winning begets winning. For this reason, we can begin to quantify this aspect of our evaluation.

If a horse placed 1st in its last race, award 45 points.

If a horse placed 2nd in its last race, award 40 points.

If a horse placed 3rd in its last race, award 40 points.

For all other finishes, award 35 points. Also, horses that have yet to race in the current season receive 35 points irrespective of their final finish of the previous season.

Another consideration in quantifying your decision is the value of your horse’s last race. If the winner’s prize money of the previous race was worth at least 20% more than the current prize money, award the horse 50 points. All others should follow this criteria:

Last race prize same as current race, award 40 points.

Last race prize 20% less than current race, award 30 points.

You should also bear in mind that favourites win more regularly in non-handicap events. For this reason, it makes more sense to award more points to contenders in these events. Therefore, award 40 points to a contender running in a non-handicap race and 30 points for running in handicap or nursery races.

Another consideration in evaluating your contender is the size of the field. After careful review of the long history of racing, we have concluded that favourites succeed less often in events containing a large field. Therefore, we reject the “folk wisdom” that a bigger field means a “bigger” certainty and suggest the following awards:

45 points in those races with 10 or fewer runners.

40 points in those races with 11 - 16 runners.

30 points in those races with 16 or more runners.

Market leaders often have a poorer record in competitive races. Consider the following point award:

45 points if there are no rivals which won the last time out.

45 points if there is one rival which won last time out.

35 points if there are two rivals which won the last time out.

If three or more rivals won their last time out, award 30 points.

Finally, if a horse has demonstrated success on the day’s course then this must be factored into your calculations. Award your horse 10 points if it has previously won on the course and 10 points if it has previously won over the day’s distance.

Once you have factored in all these considerations, tally the points you have awarded to each of your five contenders. The horse with the greatest total is your best qualifier for the day’s bet. It’s that simple. No “feelings in the belly”. No emotion. No getting caught up in the thrill of the race. Just smart calculation.

Even so, you should never forget that both horse and rider are living creatures bound to have better and worse days. This is a variable which you cannot often calculate and which makes betting exciting. Remember, it is the uncertainty which makes it wonderful. Never give up. Follow these calculations and you will win – if not today then certainly tomorrow.

Just get ride of luck, i win “most of the time.” I lose 1/4.

Well this thread isn’t going the way I had hoped, but atleast it has led me to learn how to bet on horses, so screw helping all of you with your problems, I’m hittin the Racetrack! lol

Just Kidding

you undescended testicle…don’t worry about it, you got two, the other one will fill in, it’ll just have to work a little over-time.

for those people that give you bad advice, stop going to them! Instead, pay me. Look, I’m cheaper too.

don’t roll your eyes, cause if you happened to sneeze at the same time then your eyes will pop out of their sockets. That advice was for free.

Total Earnings so far: $6
Total earned from betting on horses so far: $16

Alright Gadfly let me have it.

I’m in class with this girl that I’m attracted to and for the past 2 weeks we’ve been conversing but never spoken a word to each other. Just glances and smiles, she always stares deep into my eyes and I swear in those looks we’ve exchanged much more then two people who would sit and talk for hours on end. Thing is she always smiles at me and I smile back but have never said a word to her.

The other day I’m sitting in the library reading she walks by me smiles at me throws something out that makes a little noise smiles again at me I smile back and she goes to a friend of hers. There I overhear her talking about someone I assume me because she says “he’s so timid isn’t he”. Now this infuriates me lol so I go over and sit right next to them and just sit there silently not speaking a word lol.

Anyway help me win this girl. How can I ask her out? Basicly what should I say :unamused:

The undergroundman wrote:

Say Hi.

Really, it’s that easy. From your description, this girl has atleast some sort of interest in you. Cultivating interest is the hard part, keeping it going is the easy part- just don’t say anything too stupid. From your posts, this shouldn’t be a problem for you.

Now that I’ve answered your question free of charge, I expect to you to pay for mine. Thanks.

So Magius, I met this girl over the weekend. She’s very attractive, and we hit it off. We go to a club, she even gets me to dance. Blah blah blah, we get a cab back to her house. Here’s where my dilema begins. She is nothing short of a complete ass in the cab (to the taxi driver). As I give the cab driver an extra tip for having to put up with her, I apologize to the gentleman for her behavior. She hears this, and berates me for apologizing. What I should have done at this point, was put her in her place. Because either: A.) she would have told me to stay in the cab, which looking back, wouldn’t have been so bad, or; B.) she would have liked the fact that I put her in her place. But I didn’t contend her rudeness. This was my first mistake. Instead, I played it off and went inside with her because I didn’t want to jeorpardize hooking up with her. slap-self

Now, granted she was drunk, but even so, even in my most beligerent states, I am still polite. Now my question: should I call this girl again? On one hand, she’s attractive, but there are plenty of attractive women that aren’t indignant as well.

YOu know, now that I’ve written this, I can come to a decision (this seems to happen to me alot). I’m not going to call her. Conversation was one-sided, and we don’t share common interests. After seeing the way she acted, I now have no desire to have sex with her. I suppose this brings up a brand new question that needs answering: is it bad that I don’t separate sex and personality? I find myself having alot less sex as a result of being unable to make this distinction. I personally think it’s a more mature position, but I’m a little worried that I may grow up to regret always making mature decisions at a young age. Some of my best memories are when I was being a complete idiot. What do you think?

Please send all billing inquiries to TheUndergroundMan.

Double post

Geez, triple post.

Dear Maggy…


This thread that I started has stalled… … p?t=140660

What can I do to gain the answers I seek in order to finally vanquish the ‘original proposition’?

Some quick replies…(I will be back for more thorough ones, just busy at the moment)

be yourself. ($1)

I’m going to charge you $10 for answering another persons question. This is Dear Magius, not Dear Magius and Matthew. Get your own advice column! lol ($10)

the answer is in the question. Make sure the argument you want refuted is a sound one, easy to understand, and so on. Once the question is understood, the answer is easy. ($1)

Total Earnings thus far: $18
Total earned from betting on horses so far: $53

Dear Maggy:

I think one of my female Professors really likes me… I mean like. likes me likes me.

Should I declare my undying love an take an A in the course or save myself for several years until I have my J.D. and thus ignore her after we are married because she only has an M.A.?

Hey Gate,
I’m not liking this whole ‘Maggy’ business you got going on, it’s too feminine, though I am confident your inventive skills will come up with a more suitable alternative. Your post was very funny by the way.

Now to your question and to my answer. I assume you don’t actually love her and I also assume that you think if you declare your love to her that you will get an A. Women have a whole bag of tricks. If you declare your love to her, you may be able to bag her but not an A. Keep that risk in mind. If this should so happen then I would definitely do as you suggested and get your J.D. and ignore her after you are married, since she only has an M.A. - You may also wish to not invite her to your graduating ceremony as well. When you have kids and you and her argue about which one of you is right, you could always say “Hey, I’m the one with a J.D. so the kids will listen to me!”

Should you actually love her and she you, then you should discount everything above and live happily ever after. Another suggestion is to simply play it safe and either treat her like every other professor or you may want to see if you can simply flirt your way to an A.

Then again, you may be the type that has professor/student fantasies and this may be your opportunity to fulfill them, it’s really up to you.


Total earnings thus far: $22
Total earned from betting on horses so far: $91

Dear Gaddy,

 I just quit smoking and it's been about 60 hours since i had a cigarette (no joke). Should i kill someone or will this pissed-off feeling pass?

dear magius,

what’s an acceptable length of time to wait before actually …uh …“doin it” with a girlfriend? we’ve been hanging out for 2.5 months, we’ve been “together” for roughly 1 month.

thank you sir.

I got some advice for ya, Marshall. First, know that the physical addiction is gone after three days. But for these three days, you have to allow yourself to be completely pissed off the whole time, and not care who you yell at. Have brownies and ice cream and that Papa John’s phone number on speed dial, and allow yourself to eat. The average person gains ten pounds but that is easily lost in the next month or so. Finally, (turn your head kiddies) either have lots of sex or beat off constantly. This works both as a much needed stress reliever and it occupies time.

After the three days, it’s merely psychological from here, from whence it’s rather easy to beat. You feel great - no more coughing, you can actually run, no cigs before bed/when waking up, you don’t stink, teeth aren’t yellow, cologne stays on, you feel better and if you can actually quit, you suddenly place yourself above all those people that can’t. :stuck_out_tongue:

And I should know … I’ve had to do it twice now …

Dear Gaddy,

I’m addicted to message boards. Masterbating has become more fun than real sex. And I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.

~ El Smootho