Did you hear the one about the dead giraffe?

I seem to be having another anxiety attack (thats four this week, fuck it). And so I’ve literally no chance of sleeping until something lightens my mood (I always found an odd relation between humour and anxiety).

So - what’s everyone’s favourite joke?

Mine first:

A termite walks in to a bar and asks: “is the bar tender here?”

I can be funny but it takes me awhile to get under your skin…

Let’s see…

If you’re gay, i only have one question.

do you want to be treated like a man or an ugly woman?


I recently wrote that one, don’t know if it’s funny though…

got any feed back?

courtesy of robot chicken


I’ve told this one here before, but it was a while ago and you asked what is my favorite joke:

There are a priest, a lawyer and a teacher on the Titanic as it is going down and they are discussing who should get one of the last remaining lifeboats.

The teacher opens the discussion with, “Save the children!”

The lawyer responds, “Fuck the children.”

The priest gets wide-eyed and asks, “Do we have time?”

guy walks into a bar. he says, ‘beer please.’ bar tender gives him a drink.’ then this guy tells the bartender about his life. his wife cheated on him, his kids hate him, he hates his job and his boss is an asshole.

bartender says, ‘okay, well that’s too bad.’

guy says, ‘yea i know.’

he then proceeds to tell the bartender lots of other stories. the bartender relates to the man. through commonality they forge friendship.

they become best buds and organize an annual depressed middle-aged man convention for depressed middle aged men. every year they meet in an airport hotel somewhere and just tell stories to each other.

A priest is driving down the road when he spots a small child sitting on the pavement crying. He parks up, goes over to the child and asks him what’s the matter. The child, sobbing, says “my brother, my sister, my mother and my father just drove over that cliff in the car and the car went boom…”. The priest looks over and sees the mangled car wreck at the bottom of the cliff, still smoking. His face softens. Turning back to the child he unzips his fly and says, “it’s not your lucky day is it?”

There’s a guy driving through an intersection where he had a green light, when someone running a red light rammed into the side of his car.

Miraculously, both people were fine, uet their cars were completely mangled. The lady who ran the red light gets out first and she is stunningly attractive.

Her and the guy start talking and laughing about the incident, thanking the Heavens that they both escaped the wreck without injury. The lady takes his hand in hers and says, “This proves that under God all things happen for a reason, we should drink to celebrate, I have some wine in my trunk if the bottle isn’t smashed.”

The lady looks in her trunk and it turns out the wine also survived the accident, but her glasses were broken.

She goes back to the guy and says, “The wine is fine, but there are no glasses because they broke. I suppose we will have to take turns drinking this wine. I would like you to get the first drink since this is my treat.”

The guy throws back half of the bottle, and just as he hands her back the bottle of wine, the sound of police cars can be heard in the distance.

The lady shatters the bottle of wine on the ground.

Q) Why do women fake orgasms?
A) Because they think we care!

^^^ heh

There’s a guy sitting at a bar who just finished getting divorced. After his day in court, he got taken to the cleaners for back alimony payments and it turned out that his ex-wife was having sex with HIS lawyer.

He turns to the guy sitting next to him and says, “All lawyers are assholes.”

The guy looks at him and replies, “Hey, man, I resent that remark!”

“Why, are you a lawyer?”

“No, I’m an asshole.”

That’s exactly the same thing. :-"

Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m shrinking.
-Well, you’ll just have to be a little patient.

Q. What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?

A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Wrong. The answer is Chuck Norris’ fist.