In my opinion this “disorder” seems to overlap with others. How can we define it or to what extremity do the symptoms need to present themselves to be categorized under this title? The inspiration for this thread was Sagesound’s poem and my response to it. It got me to thinking about it. I had heard of it before and decided to refresh myself by reading up a little bit about it online.
We could all be said to have “multiple personalities†even as simple as the difference between our public and private selves. It could be the difference in the way we act when we’re drinking or consuming some other intoxicant in comparison to sobriety. Sometimes we may get caught up in a certain mood, which exists with it’s own rules and cannot coexist with the behaviors of another mood.
Sometimes when the stress becomes unbearable, I find myself whisked away into a state of “nonfeelingâ€. As I described here in what I wrote in response to the poem:
“Sounds like the “void”. I’m so tired right now to fully remember the void, but it’s a point at which all tears are spent and you float into a dissociative, catatonic state- nothing touches you and the desire to do things like pray is nonexistent. It’s the true void in it’s complete emptiness. I can only fully know it when I’m in there.â€
I have always been a dreamer, easily finding solace in my simple mind worlds. This was easily developed while staring at my bedroom wall while I was supposed to be studying. Pointlessly locked away for this activity that I would always be distracted from. This was also the catalyst for developing my drawing skills, as I would sketch to pass the time. Is it harmful or useful to travel into these worlds? Is there a value in emotional escape, some protection to be found- does it necessarily require resolution?
Here’s some info in a link I found if you’re interested. It’s certainly just an overview:
I’m actually in that “void” right now. It’s a horrible place to be, as you probably know.
Dissociative identity disorder is when that void, that loss of self, becomes so extreme that you take on a different identity. I think the key distinction is that when you are switching personalities, you have no idea of the others. I have different mood states, and different personality states, but I’m always concious of them.
I have had some problems with dissociation myself. I think that my worlds have been EXTREMELY instrumental in helping me build my intelligence, spirituality, philosophy, personality, etc. After all, the more you practice something, the better you get at it, and the more you think or imagine the more thoughtful and creative you get. The only problem is when I am mundane. When I am in enchanted mode, as I like to call it, all of my worlds are wonderful, and seem to be made of magic. But when I am mundane Id rather be dead than have to put effort into such a boring and lifeless existance.
I think that down at the bottom of all this dissociation is fear, and that the fear comes from ignorance, and that the ignorance remains in me because it is preserved by my cynecism. I will get into "finding problems" mode and at that point, I cannot solve any problems anymore, because I find problems even with my solutions, and my solutions seem so problematic to me, that they also become "problems". What I have to do is to remind myself to choose my battles, that I will notice problems when they become problems and dont have to FIND them before they arrive, that good things exist, and to remind myself to respect the kind of positivity that allows me to see good things, on the basis that seeing good things is the only way to know what your resources are. To be positive is to be resouceful, and I cannot solve problems without the resourcefulness of seeing the good things. My suggestion is to consider whether or not you are paranoyed or cynical, and then fight with those things if you are. I firmly beleive that they are at the root of this problem. I dont know if your problem is exactly the same as mine, but I hope this helps either way.
Dissociation is the worst thing that has ever happened to me, but I AM coming out of it, amazingly so! Its curable.
Everything_Nothing- I like what you had to say to this, some small changes of mind and heart have dispersed the still solitude since I wrote earlier. They were coming on slow, like the chilly damp air of morning heats into the warmth of sunlight on your skin by afternoon.
You said:
“I think that my worlds have been EXTREMELY instrumental in helping me build my intelligence, spirituality, philosophy, personality, etc. After all, the more you practice something, the better you get at it, and the more you think or imagine the more thoughtful and creative you get.â€
Well yes, that happened to me in an obvious and literal sense with the drawing. I still draw when I find myself drifting into a daydream or perhaps the drawing births the daydream sometimes. I think of that post on “diversionsâ€- you’re new here, I don’t know if you read it. Perhaps being locked away with no options, no diversions forced me to focus on my true purpose. I mean not only then, but it could happen anytime and towards a number of truths- like the emergence from a void after the storm has cleared. A slow realization of the simple and genuine. Coming back to the forum made me realize that I appreciate it more than I would have otherwise thought. Considering it’s absence, the absence of the real people who are out there behind their screen names and avitars filled me with an affection that has felt difficult to embrace recently.
“My suggestion is to consider whether or not you are paranoyed or cynical, and then fight with those things if you are. I firmly beleive that they are at the root of this problem. I dont know if your problem is exactly the same as mine, but I hope this helps either way.â€
From what written here did you create this notion of paranoid cynicism? I appreciate your desire to help. Yeah, creating problems before they exist is dangerous. It certainly is the result of over thinking or getting stuck stubbornly on one notion. While being dissociative may lead to some creative notions- that creativity can turn around and snap back with frightening delusions… a wild playground for the unruly imagination with no chaperones to maintain order or remind of the consequences.
Hi D, You make a crucial point, and that is about being conscious of our states of mind. Some of us have coping strategies which include ‘shutting down’, when things get too difficult. Whilst this is not always a very useful practical strategy it is at least self aware and self protective. I believe that the dissociating person does not have this luxury.
I can remember times of great stress, after a family row, or at the point of a relationship breakdown, that I have walked away from it and found that I was talking to myself. I would say “Well, ‘A’ you’ve done it now.” or “Oh well, you’re on your own now.” Looking back, these are times when I have felt completely at one with myself, not being pulled around by events any more. Oddly, they are the times of my greatest strength, of coming back to myself. I have put a shield around myself in the firm conviction that what I am protecting is worth protecting.
The dissociated person has been hurt so much that they are denied this vital inner connection, the process has broken down. I have witnessed some sufferers of dissociation in my work, and it is clear that they suffer a great loss.
I think that a person who has partially dissociated can still experience that feeling of oneness with the self. It think that is just a feeling of relief. When you finally say, for example at the end of a relationship (I recently broke up with a boyfriend of 8 years), “All I have to worry about or take care of is myself- he was an ass and made me unhappy and now it’s over and that’s his problem- not mine.†It feels great when you realize yourself and that you’re not the one who’s screwed up!
I believe that someone can become so dissociated from himself that he truly does not feel anymore.
I see this happening next to me.
I feel dispair, because there’s nothing that I can do for this person.
Perhaps he has been numb for all his life, he does not know any other way, perhaps there’s no way back. (I hope I’m wrong!).
It makes life very difficult, because true intimacy needs to happen at all levels, not only with good sex. I need to get to know his mind and his heart, too.
I feel like I’m next to an operating machine; this person can function very well, but if I try to look inside of it, there is nothing else working.
The machinery outside performs without need of any of the systems from inside, which have no connection to anything else, and do not work. It is like being a dead-alive.
It must be horrible to be this way.
Rosemarie, I know exactly what you are talking about, because I’ve been there, and I’m still there, although it is better. All I have to say is it will probably get better. He will slowly return to the normal, emotional person he was before. I thought it was never going to change, but it did.
How can there be any proof that once a person has chosen to withdraw that they will reenter love again? My ex withdrew, we broke up and that was that… not to be very negative, but sometimes things are what they are and not likely to change.
