Don't want to leave my home...but

I have to pay my bills. Wat do I do?

Whenever I leave my home, I think about this asshole who told me about a hot tranny. Can’t remember if i ever got the hot tranny’s contact info, and I feel like a fool thinking back on it. This happened years ago. Reason I feel like a fool is because I was hostile to the asshole, and I can’t remember if I ever asked for the tranny’s contact info. Foolish because, I should have asked for the info first, then acted hostile and burned my bridges, not the other way around. Rookie mistake.
My memory is so foggy I am afraid I have alzheimers. Can’t remember if I did or didn’t ask for the info, and it’s killing me because maybe I did ask for the info, and she said she didn’t remember, and I forgot. Either way, I can’t get over how much I failed and how my life is ruined because I will never get to have sex with that hot tranny.
The thought of me dying, and losing my mind into Alzheimers, makes me feel happy and comfortable actually, like the thought of me becoming all discombobulated is comforting, relaxing and soothing to think about. When I was a teen i used to think about walking into water, and my body coming apart into 10 pieces and becoming the water, and my eyeballs floating on the water, and it made me feel good. Or drowning to death with my lover.

How can you be sure that the option of having sex with the “hot tranny” would have been available to you even if you were to have been possession of their contact details?

I don’t, but that’s the thing of it.

It’s like the random grab bag, or the 20 grand and boat.

Do you take the 20 grand and the boat, or do you pick the random grab bag which could have 1 million dollars?

So, if you don’t know for sure that the “hot tranny” was in the grab bag then you don’t know for sure that your life is ruined, do you?

Im in a quantum state of superposition, my suffering is endless and boundless.