Emotion
Look close into my eyes
There is nothing but sadness
Nothing left but madness
I’d take aim but still miss
If I can’t see you
Would I still feel you
And time just keeps passing by
Days will come
Days will go
Wanted to be sure that you know
Excuses, denial wouldn’t help
My waxy heart that still won’t melt
From the fire you put there
Chords still fall so bare
Dare I say that I love you
You’ll deny my feelings
Locked inside
Tucked away
Never to escape
As time passes me by
Seasons changed
Don’t you know
I keep slipping
No more feeling
Deeper, Darker
The razor blade goes
Bloody mess
My heart still pounding
How could I have been so wrong
These days with you grow hazy
Everything’s in black and blue
The lights get dimmer
Only a flicker of hope
Quite, you have grown
My heart torn on a thorn
Back is hurting
Mind is numbing
When does it stop
What I’d give to keep you
What I’d get to leave you behind
Emotions getting thicker
Time is going thin
The blood pools around me
As you passed me by.
If you like it tell me here. If you don’t tell me why. Please and thank you.
Night - it expresses the emotion well enough, but it lacks a certain meter. I think if you rework it with the idea of song lyrics in mind - and I don’t mean rhymes, necessarily, it will feel better. It’s a matter of organisation, more than anything else. You seem to want to say everything all at once. Let there be a climactic moment. It’s there, but it’s just not set well.
Thank you my lovely Faust. I will certainly try that. What song do you think I should draw from? None of that New Age modern shit people call rock now days… Damn I should like an 80 year old woman…
R : Human inner controls are based on predominant negatives.
@ Amy,
I read it.
Here’s my ‘poetic’ reply:
How could you be so cruel?
How could you be so demanding?
How could you be such a fool?
How could you do this, after understanding?
How could you be so merciless?
How could you be so bent?
How could you be make such madness?
Where is that place, from where you were sent?
I traced its spine, its birthing place.
This body of mine, what a disgrace.
The most cruel of all, the merciless one,
It’s inside of myself and it’s barely begun.
[[ - all pain is self-created, all pleasures have hidden agendas. Human life is forceful and pointness. Die quickly and properly, I say. - ]]
Night - Dan~no has given you an example. Don’t try to copy the meter froman existing song - write a song. Just start with a line that feels right, and go from there. It doesn’t have to be “sing-song” - and in fact, it shouldn’t be, for this type of subject. And each line needn’t match thothers in meter. Just feel it.
I would like to further expand on the recommendation of “metering” the poem: after you rewrite the poem, record yourself reciting/singing it and leave the recording for at least one day.
Listen to your recording after a day and re-judge it. [Lather, rinse and repeat, if necessary.]
–
You might want to make your final product available in a downloadable audio format too. That might be exciting.