Experience in relationships?

Well, unfortunately, a 3 year relationship with a girl has just come to a screeching halt. I don’t ever recall any foreshadowing of a break-up, excusing a few fights that we had gotten into. People just simply say ‘move on’, but I can’t physically bring myself to do that. After 3 years of being intensely in love, I can’t even get a call from her anymore. Is that immaturity or the right thing to do? I seem to be the only one keeping this thing somewhat alive. I don’t know, I need some advice. I need something to help me move on. Of course, it’s raining and cold outside, which kind of invokes all the despair of the situation. :slight_smile:

Rish

no matter what it is, make sure you never think about anything good that ever happened if it isnt going to happen again and thinking about it only makes you sad. when the thoughts try and creep back into your mind, quickly distract yourself in a shallow, simple way. just stare at something and think about it instead, just totally repress it like sitcoms tell you not to.

you have to ask yourself, what good does thinking about the past do for you? are planning how to make her fall for you again? if thats a possibility then go for it, sit there and think of a plan. its probably not possible, in which case, thinking about the past will do absolutely nothing except make you sad. so just dont do it. its easier than it sounds.

i woud try to avoid things that reming you of her, like other girls for example. but really the only thing that is going to continue hurting you is you choosing to think about her.

you’re an idiot Future Man

i second that.

not only does that solution not work, it is in fact the one thing you could do to get the most damage done, to everyone involved, but usually to yourself.

since we dont know any speciffics, we cant offer much speciffic help mrrish. all i can offer is socrate’s advice, when asked by a friend who was engaged if he should get married or not :

get married or dont. if you do, the routine will soon tire you and you will, like me (broken link for xanthipa) start on the path of philosophy. if you dont, the perceived loss will do the same. in the end it does not matter
(ya i know its very liberal)

I think future has actually brought up good points, whether I myself or this young man would follow them is another matter entirely. I know personally that there’s something painful/good about thinking about a girl with whom you broke up with. Kind of like picking at a scab :wink: Really, it is just a matter of making yourself not think about her and making that a habit. Once it is a habit not to be reminded of her or think of her, you’ll be over her. At which point you’ll be ready to start all over again with another girl :stuck_out_tongue:

yup, and do the same mistakes, and end up in the same place.

but it wont matter cause you will soon be able to start it all over again

a few goes at this your brain will be reasonably numb so you dont even feel it anymore. which is a good moment to start child abuse, arson, serial killing, etc etc

i sort of agree with poetic justice on this one. actually, picking at a scab is a great analogy. As the routine of life begins to once again take focus, the wound is slowly healed, but never completely. it will most likely leave a scar. but the more you pick at it, the longer it will take to heal and the worse that scar will be.

zenofeller, your advice is to think about her constantly and never forget her? Not only is that pathologically creepy, it also would totally destroy later relationships, since how can you devote yourself to your wife if you’re always thinking about and moaning about the girl you lost when you were 16?

What did you fight about? If it was serious enough, this may have clicked in her head: “this point of disagreement sucks bad enough right now, and will cause huge problems down the road”. How old are you guys? Was she your ‘first love’? Were you hers?

My first serious boyfriend took years to get over. It just clicked all the sudden, how foolish I was being to still think about him as if my heart was still broken. But I think spending some time thinking about the circumstances and the individual characteristics and what-not, which led to the break-up, couldn’t hurt in the long-run… best to learn as much as you can from it. Just because you fought with eachother doesn’t mean either one of you is wrong or that only one of you is right – just, some disagreements are too strong, to the point that the relationship is not compatible. If you just can’t figure it out, realize that one day you will look back after more life experience, and it will seem so clear to you… or maybe it never will… but you’ll be a different person then… and you may just come to terms with it as something the old-you experienced… and that you can’t keep living an old life…

Did you say you were sorry and mean it? You could have…no, you should have done that. Girls like that, and when you mean it too. Surely after three years you could find something from the past to bring it all back together…have you both changed so much?

Did you only recently break up? It’s hard to suggest any practical course of action based on such limited information. Certainly if it’s over, there’s really nothing useful I can suggest. Sorry. Take a week to get drunk, nail the first other girl you meet (especially a friend of hers :wink: ), swear off girls entirely, or pull a Rip Van Winkle and sleep for a week- no matter what you do, the pain will still be sitting there waiting for you when you get back. It will demand to be dealt with, unfortunately on its terms and timetable. Time alone won’t heal the wound, but it’s more effective than any other treatment I know.

Ah, the roots of loneliness. No matter how much you love someone, and they love you, in the end you can’t really depend on love. I don’t mean to be negative, but I’m just not certain humans were meant to mate for life, no matter what the romantic comedies imply.

Maybe it was a given 50-100 years ago. Think about it- years ago it was common for the average person to be born, live their whole life, then die, all within 25 miles of where they were born. 150 years ago, 90% of America was rural & agrarian. Some, like my G-parents on my mom’s side, didn’t even speak the same language when they were married! They were literally matched by their parents based on geography. And they were married for 60+ years, bound together by common religion & customs. And necessity.

Nowadays, we might change carreers 3-5 times in our life (not jobs, entire careers). We may pull up stakes and move 3000 miles for a job. We’re not bound to our ancestral lands anymore.

And look at the lot of women- a woman has more options than just to marry and start a family. She may now have a career and do basically what any man can do (maybe not 100% wage equality, but compare it to 100 years ago).

Divorce isn’t a stigmata anymore, either. People in a bad marriage used to have to gut it out due to societal disapproval of divorce. Not any more.

Given the dissolution of the nuclear family, the lack of common culture and mores, the availability of divorce and the freedom from agricultural subsistance living, people simply don’t have the “artifical” factors to prop up bad relationships.

At any rate, we all change and grow all throughout our lives. When two people in a relationship grow, they sometimes grow apart. Unfortunately, no one can really promise not to grow away from you or fall out of love. The beauty of love it that it binds two hearts, but that’s also the problem with it- it takes two. In that equation you can really only control one of those hearts, and that’s your own.

Of course, that doesn’t keep us from trying. In the mean time, I suggest a 12’er of Bass Ale. :wink: Hope it works out for you.

no… no way… could it be that i have been criticized by somebody who offers no other useful insight in return? its hard to type when my head is still spinning from the incredible surprise of seeing zeno baselessly and pointlessly call me wrong.

my post was assuming that you know why you got dumped and you know how to prevent it. once youve spent time thinking about that and youve come up with a plan for your future behavior, there is absolutely zero reason to remember the past.

the only reason why you would ever want to remember the past is if it makes you happy or if it helps you to become happy in the future. its completely possible that some memories dont accomplish this and therefore should be forgotten. am i wrong? do you enjoy remembering the awful images you subjected yourself to on rotten.com? dont you wish you could erase them? if not, seek help.

“those who forget the past are condemned to repeat it”

-Imp

Well, the thing is, the fights weren’t anything more than your average little dispute. She wasn’t my first love and I am 19 years old. I thought the relationship was fairly mature. What’s worse is that my ‘friends’ are hanging out with her like nothing happened. I can’t seem to just ‘forget’ about her without thinking about all the worst possible situations arising in my mind. You would think after 3 years, someone could just suddenly change their mind? I don’t know. I heard she is already talking to other guys, hopefully not my friends, but either way, it sucks! Girls, I need some advice…

Rish

maybe she sees it differently? or maybe she had enough of fighting about average things? or maybe she was fighting to create an excuse to end the relationship? How exactly /did/ she end the relationship – what reasons did she give, what did she say?

what worst possible situations arise in your mind?

it sounds like her love for you was pretty shallow, atleast toward the end of the relationship… maybe she gradually fell out of love? …and perhaps your relationship with your friends, maybe, is pretty shallow, if you can’t count on them to follow the “don’t date your broken-hearted pal’s ex-girl” rule?

advice on what? how to get her back? how to move on? what are you expecting to hear? You probably already know what sort of advice will “resonate” and what sort of advice you don’t want to hear.

She write:

maybe she sees it differently? or maybe she had enough of fighting about average things? or maybe she was fighting to create an excuse to end the relationship? How exactly /did/ she end the relationship – what reasons did she give, what did she say?

now, I agree with She.

, I think she(your ex girlfr.) must have had some serious reason to leave you, she was just the sort of person who didn;t warn you in advance, and hadn;t shown any signs of wanting to break up, but she must have been considering it for a longer time before it happened. or she was so shallow that she simply fell in love with someone else and confused passion with love and commitment. and you must have been inattentive to some hidden signs she must have manifested.

As a female, I’m going to go on the record saying that probably 90% of breakups happen because the guy doesn’t actually listen to the girl. Be honest with yourself, did you actively listen to her concerns when you had disputes? If you really listened to what she had to say I’d be willing to bet you can win her back. Do something romantic and personalized to let her know you have been paying attention and love her deeply. Best of luck to you.

It just occurred to me that maybe she is testing you to see if you are emotionally stable… if you will take a break-up in a ‘healthy’ way… and she may be testing herself to see if she actually does love you. If you’ve been together since you were 16, she may be thinking “If we never break up, we’ll spend our entire lives together, and I’ve never even ‘played the field’ to see if this dude is ‘the one’…” … I suggest you show her that you’re not going to die without her, and that you respect her wanting to see what other guys are like before she settles on you… better she get it out of the way now, than let it eat at her your whole lives… The fact that you react with strength will attract her back to you – assuming this /is/ what is going on.

She, would you do it? would you risk an ultimate break-up with your boyfriend even if the emotions in your relationship passed away? would you test him in this way without feeling kind of guilt?

it is a possibility but not very probable.

Lenore… if the emotions had passed away, sure, I would risk the ultimate break-up. Why would that cause me guilt? I’m not saying her emotions have passed away, and I’m also not saying she’s testing him ‘consciously’ or ‘willfully’.

I think alot of relationships go through this… it’s like a step to a higher/deeper level…

Not sure if that’s what’s going on here… was just a thought.