expert adivce, pls

Philosophy Forums Psychology and Mind
1

let’s imagine we have a boy, 23 years of age. once in a while he falls in love, always with the nicest, cutest most special of girls. He then does anything for her, from the nicest surprizes to being there whenever she needs. When he’s in love, he loves like crazy and doesn’t really ask anything than just sincerity and a reciprocity of feelings. But, no matter what, it seems that it all vanishes into thin air after 4-6-8-10 weeks.

It all goes away without the girl doing anything wrong. It just goes away… It so happened all the time after his first serious relation, that was ended without explanation by the first girl (actually more a woman) he loved. Since then, he was the one who usually broke up. After some 2 years of searches and sporadic relations he meets THE GIRL. He has done what he never did before. Again, the nicest of surprises, but much more than before. He just feels this the right girl, but he’s afraid that history has a strange habit of repeating itself. He know he’s grown up now and that he seeks other things in a relation, but he doesn’t really know how to switch from being in love to loving.

So, the question is: is there something wrong with him and he should look for some professional advice or its just the wat things are and he should wait for the girl that would make him feel the right way?

Of course, he is more than willing to answer further questions.

2

The last line is the most important: the many many many questions that would need to be asked to really understand the young man and his history and current situations (again, my last post in “this is the end my friend” (TITEMF) thread addresses this).

And that is the answer to your question about seeking “help”: My unequivocal answer is YES. However, the answer to “Is there something wrong with him” is probably NO. Well, there’s something (LOTS of things) wrong with EVERYONE, but that just makes him “normal”…

Having said that, a couple of GENERAL points to consider: he must question his TRUE motivations. Many people who think they are doing so many nice things for others often are doing it for THEMSELVES and to staisfy THEIR needs far more than they are for others. For example, they are afraid of losing the other person so they think that they must do such things to keep the person–they are usually not aware of their TRUE motives/needs, thus GOOD therapy can be helpful. Similarly, such behaviours CAN be seen by some as overly needy, clingy, desperate, or even CONTROLLING, especially depending on the other person’s history and way of seeing the world (regardless of what the giver’s intentions and motivations are–hence empathy is so important, as mentioned in my TITEMF thread: to be able to try to see how the other might be seeing/experiencing things and to be attuned to that and respectful and to be able to respond accordingly).

Then there is the question of history repeating itself. Answer: Hell yeah. We are almost guaranteed to repeat our history if we are not aware of the underlying business that drives us. And the example of one person being dumped by the first serious love without (sufficient/satisfactory) explanation and then resorting to doing the dumping himself is classic. There are several reasons for that, but the most classic/cliched/common is a desire to control the situation and avoid hurt/anxiety/fear by being the one to do the dumping. In fact, the unresolved first love dump typically has a HUGE impact on all subsequent romantic relationships. Again…GOOD therapy helps address this…

Finally, there is the FACT that the “chemical reaction” that we call “in love” (or, more accurately, LUST/PASSION) has been shown to last only for about a total of 18 months to 2 years (sometimes a bit longer, often much shorter). However, these feelings CAN develop into LOVE during or after the initial lust period, if one is comfortable with oneself and is motivated to be with others for WHO THEY ARE, as opposed to WHAT THESE OTHER PEOPLE CAN GIVE the person (although we are ALWAYS looking for what others can give us, or how they can meet our needs, but it’s a matter of DEGREE).

These are just a few GENERAL responses that do not take into consideration the individual in question. Everyone all together now: GOOD THERAPY (or, a generous, loving, caring person who is willing to let the person talk and talk and talk HONESTLY and OPENLY, and FEEL and “contain” the anxiety that comes when one HONESTLY reflects on one’s past and present).

3

thanks, for the answer, some of those things did cross my mind.

now, to clarify some things:

The first relation ended with an explaination that seemed and it still seems acceptable and sufficient. and he was never afraid of being dumped (at least not consciuncesly). he did the dumping because all the passion was gone.

he makes gifts because he is in love and wants to conquer/impress the girl. he just can’t quite understand how come that all that passion can just disappear.

and since there’s nothing wrong with him, then it might as well be that hw could work things out by himself and those around him? would a therapy session establish whether it is a person who worries too much or it really is something serious that needs therapy as the only solution? could the fact that he thinks of this in the terms of a potential psychological thing turn it into one? Or this could be his way of not facing the problem?

4

You’re welcome.

But the original post read: It so happened all the time after his first serious relation, that was ended without explanation by the first girl (actually more a woman) he loved.

Re-reading the contradictions in that sentence carefully might give some answers…

I personally think EVERYONE could use GOOD therapy, even if just for the ability to have someone LISTEN and NOT JUDGE and NOT IMPOSE his/her beliefs on us for 45 min to 1 hour per week (or more). And only in such contexts do I think TRUE change can occur…and basically, since no one was raised by PERFECT parents (there is no such thing), there is ALWAYS room for change/improvement in our selves.

GOOD therapy would not establish anything as fact, but it would create an environment in which true insight might occur. Insight, together with the motivation and belief that it’s SAFE to change one’s perception of self and the world (as well as how one reacts to and interacts within their environment), is key (though not 100% necessary) to effecting such change.

5

yes, you’re right, my mistake. the second statement is the correct one.

so, it’s like this: we all should run 2 miles every day, but some of us actually need it (just trying to understand some basic psychology, apart from the subject above).

6

so, it’s like this: we all should run 2 miles every day, but some of us actually need it (just trying to understand some basic psychology, apart from the subject above).
Very nice analogy. I think I’m going to use that in class from now on (I’ll give full credit to you).

7

since i don’t imagine i can get on the interior cover of your written course, i’ll settle for an oral acknowldgement.

8

I don’t think there is anything wrong with the person under question, it’s just the way life is, we grow as we learn and we learn as we grow. Would you rather that when he came out of his mother’s womb, he already has a Ph.D and is enlightened? What else next and just how far could he go? Isn’t it better that we learn as we grow? Life is not about being perfect or being with the perfect, life is about striving for it, it may be a bad idea, but that’s what we all do, so perhaps it’s the best idea of all as having reached perfection, perfection in our world starts to stink.

psyche that para of yours is really really very good, but I’d recommend friends and family for therapy rather than professionals.

9

yes, you are correct. i was just trying to find out whether it is something that becam so severe that it sould be adressed by therapy. as psyque put it, we all could use therapy, but some of us actually need it. i was just wondering if this is the case of someone who actually needs therapy. either way, let’s just say that things worked out and our boy is back on track.