This morning, on break –
Person 1: “Whoever told you, ‘Life is like a box of chocolates.’ was a fucking liar!”
Person 2: “It’s more like a box of chocolate-shaped pieces of shit.”
yesterday at work after a simple misunderstanding inflates to a slight semipolite not too mean argument;
Husband: You dumb broad.
wife: We knew that when I agreed to marry you.
During lunch:
Kait: “I feel like dying.”
Me: “It’s too beautiful out to die today.”
Spring is coming!
While conducting telephonic business at my place of work today
Customer: “Do you know what time it is?”
Me: “Yes sir it’s 8:00 PM”
Customer: “Why are you calling me at 8: PM?”
Me: “Well sir we figure most people go to sleep around 9 or 10”
Customer: “I don’t have time to talk at 8 pm, I’m on my way to play Hockey”
Me: “… …”
Customer: After a long tirade followed by an apology (“because it’s not my fault”) “You know what? Just because you phoned me, I’m going to cancel my account tomorrow, I pay 400$ a month to your company, did you know that?”
ME: “Would you like a direct number for that sir?”
Customer: “WHAT? No, no I’ll just put a stop payment on my credit card, that will fix em”
ME:“O.K sir is there anything else i can do for you tonight?”
Telephonic business terminated
Pandora, if you go any slower we may actually start going in reverse.
This one just made me giggle a little –
Kim: “I’m really fucking sick of people calling me Amanda!”
Another one today that made me giggle!
“Why don’t you make like a tree and get the fuck out of here?”
Christ. People can’t even swear properly anymore. 
Humanity is doomed I tell you, doomed.
Fuckmotherer.
“If I’m murdered, teach my son fencing and legally change his name to Inigo Montoya.”
love it
I’m very much enjoying this thread. Obviously, I’m a total dork who finds humour in the small, stupid everyday things 
This morning’s favorite comment:
Kait: “I think I’m going to break up with my boyfriend.”
Me: “Why?”
Kait: sigh “I don’t know.”
A while back I was in town with my brother and we bought some pizzas for dinner, and there was a whole Hawaiian pizza left over that we decided to give to a homeless guy. And the homeless guy asks, “Is it vegetarian?” Since then my friends and I have used the comment whenever we feel that one of us is looking a gift-horse in the mouth.
Usage:
Friend 1: “My dad’s buying me a Falcon XR6 but I’m pissed off 'cos he won’t get me the turbo model.”
Friend 2: “Is it vegetarian?”
(Yes, I know, it’s not from today, but I didn’t hear anything funny today 
)
Good question, arc.
Real Story that has one of the best comments ever that just makes you laugh;
A young man of about 15 yrs old is slightly Downs Syndrome, calls his mother at work, tells her that he caught a troll , its in the closet, she needs to come home, the mother tells him that he knows he is not supposed to call her at work unless its an emergency, the son insists there is a Troll in the closet, its an emergency. She says quit playing I have to work. She hangs up. 10 minutes or so passes the boy calls back, telling his mother to come home he has a Troll in the closet that it wants out. The mother is getting upset , she told him to quit playing on the phone, she will get into trouble. She hangs up. ten minutes or so passes a third call is made by the boy telling his mother to come home the troll is getting angry, he is scared. The mother just hangs up.
A coworker has been paying attention and suggest that there maybe something actually going on at home, she will cover for her. The mother gets to her house, the boy is leaning against the closet that has a very angry voice inside of it, there is banging on the door. The mother opens the door and lo and behold there is a small man inside the closet. The boy proudly tells his mother " See mom I am a Troll catcher". This very small man was going house to house working for the census.
Now everytime someone is a bit slow or does something stupid at work, they are called a Troll Catcher. I was called a Troll Catcher by my boss for doing something lame. I had not heard that story yet, so they all informed me of this story that happened to a coworker’s wife and his son. It is a cute laughable story. Troll catcher is the best comment.
From the weekend, after an “important man” invaded our room and walked around like he owned the place, opening every door and all but peeking under the beds:
Kim: “I just took the biggest shit I’ve ever taken in my life in that bathroom, and he just walked right on in and opened the door! You know that smell hit him in the face like a wall!”
Me: uncontrollable laughter
From last night, a conversation between my roomies:
Bebe: “I don’t know what to do, that boy REALLY likes me!”
Kim: “So just fuck him and get it over with, you’re know you’re going to anyway.”
Bebe: “Oh mah gaaawwwd, but seriously…”
Kim: “You know it’s true!” opens door, shrieks down hallway – “Bebe’s gonna be fuckin’ T by the end of the week!!!”
Me: gasping for breath because I’m laughing so hard “You did not!”
To be a fly on any given wall…
Better than a fly on the ass, that’s for sure.
And that, people, shall count as my favourite comment of the day.
welll…
Another, heard just a few moments ago –
Jeff: “Getting back to being a bum, now that I have a job, I come back to center from work and people are like, ‘Can I get a square?’ Get a job, you fucking bum!”