Deadly is the sun not yet young;
Sweetly withheld from your antique body;
Our eyes parody the lake in June
We lay our secret selves down in deep leaves
Rustling midst, the moon, the playing shadows
And the foliage, a natural pillow for our heads
Totems of loves mentaliity,transfixing all reality
to you…
(ok this is AWFUL, i wrote it years ago.
who can spot the line that faught and won?)
I think this one,
Totems of loves mentaliity,transfixing all reality
due to the awful rhyme couplets.
Honestly, I didn’t like the poem the first time I read it, but as I was trying to find the line that fought and one, I kind of changed my mind. I actually have grown to like the poem, at least up to the aformentioned line.
I swear to god though, I hate all of the ellipsis that are found in your poetry. I know, I know, it’s your orginal twist – I don’t care . . . lol.
I love ellipsis…they show the real working of mind…i am doing it right now…thing is i don’t put any thought into them, I tend to just find myself using ellipsis, I should probably reconsider using them as much, using them more effectively.
I can tell you that the line you highlight is not the line that fits the sonnet form.
Ah, I see, 7 line sonnet?
This is not a Sonnet. But one line fits Iambic Pentameter…will I just tell you?
'Tis this the line of great iambic turmoil. It best fits the traditional scheme. You even outline the caesura.
That is not the line that fits the bill…though it is close…
any more guesses?
The line that fought and won!
This line fits the sonnet form.
Isn’t that lovely?
haha… =D>