From Prison

[i]
10-11-06

Dear Brother,

How are you doing?

Well, I hope your [sic] good and everything is okay. I’m doing fine. Don’t worry. Oh, by the way, thank you for taking the time to write your brother a short lil’ letter. Do you like my sarcasm? No, I didn’t think so. Well, I’m only kidding. So anyways, I can imagine you’re not too happy that I am in prison which I can understand. I’m sorry if I keep letting you down. Well, I wanted to say hello and to see how your [sic] doing.

Another reason I’m writing is to help mom understand something a lil’ more. Do you remember when we talked at [name of prison] about how I didn’t feel that she showed me that she loved me most times? Well tell her that this might be true but she shouldn’t blame herself at all about any of the choices I made. It’s not her fault. Not even you, brother, with all our fighting, bcuz there were also times we didn’t get along. I can’t blame anyone for my mistakes. Mom shouldn’t feel guilty or think she did a bad job raising us. Look at you, you’re okay. Mom had to raise us without our dad. Besides, if anything, I know I could have been worse but she did what she could to correct me. She tried but I was stubborn. If not for mom and for you nagging me, I would probably be dead or in prison doing life right now. Instead I am only doing 5 years.

Brother, you tried to make sure I would not live the lifestyle I was chosing [sic] bcuz you knew there is a high price to pay. Maybe I thought I was slick and maybe I wanted to show people that I could live 2 lives. That I could mess around and be the “normal” everyday successful [insert my brother’s name]. I guess I wanted to be “worthy” and be praised by both “good” and “bad”. But I am finding out that the love of one is not worth the pain I put myself through. I know that we have gone through so many fights over this issue. But I don’t want you to feel like you did a bad job as a brother, because believe me I am far from a lost cause. I have alot [sic] of hope and potential. Give yourself credit for have such an inspiring brother. I am not too dumb am I?!

Don’t worry bro, I have goals for the future. If I don’t share my plans with you it might be bcuz we don’t have the greatest relationship right now and our communication isn’t that great niether [sic]. That’s why I don’t tell you anything. :slight_smile: God willing I’ll one day reach my goals and find a way out of this pattern of good and bad things happening to me. I know life is up’s and down’s. That’s okay, but one day things won’t seem so bad. I hope things will be better. Honestly, I get upset sometimes bcuz I don’t think I was doing that bad this time and I feel it was unfair the way things went in court but sometimes that’s life right? And I should be thankful anyhow for being alive and that things are not worse. Maybe things happen for good reasons and we don’t know.

Anyways brother, how’s things? What’s new? Did you and your wife do the things you were thinking about your houses? How about giving one of them to me when I get out? J/Kidding. Well, I know you don’t like questions so I won’t ask anymore. Anyways bro, I am fine. Just right here waiting. They don’t let us do anything bcuz we haven’t been cleared by medical yet. But at least the food is better than the county [jail]. Hey bro, the mountains here are nice to see. You like nature right? You should see them. So hurry up and see me as soon as you can before the mountains get up and leave and you don’t see them.

I’m waiting for them to give us visiting forms but if you ask mom she can tell you everything it takes to visit. Please? I think you can print them out on the internet too and you seem to know about that stuff. I’m not sure. Find out, okay?

I know that it is a long way off, but do you think that you could visit me? I know you said that you don’t want to waste your time, but just think about the mountains. Can you spare 5 hours for me? I mean, I would visit you but I am presently unable to. Ha! Ha!

Well, I only been here one week and it feels longer. They only let us shower once but that will change when they move us from this place. Can you tell I stink? I haven’t showered in three days. Although I have been hobo bathing. Well bro, don’t worry they’ll let us shower by the time you visit. I’ll try 2-b good in a place where it’s not so easy. Miss you, love you, bye.

Your Bro,

[insert my brother’s name here][/i]

-Thirst

10-19-2006

Dear Brother,

What can I say? I am tired. Sick and tired of doing this with you. I once told you that although everyone had given up on you, I would not. I was wrong. You think one single letter from you will help restore the faith I had in you? I’ll send mom your love, but since you get so little paper, don’t waste any on me. Our interactions will be on my terms or not at all.

I may visit you because I love you… but don’t expect me to be nice.

Regards,

Fra Diavolo

P.S. I’m still dealing with my anger. I’ll calm down soon and write you a proper letter. Be strong, take care, and know that I will be there for you when you get out.

Arrrgh!!!

The P.S. is the most powerful part. He’ll reread the letter several times probably, focusing more and more on the P.S. each time. Your anger comes from love. This is a painful burden. You’re a good brother, Thirst.

Thanks for sharing this.

I don’t get a good ‘vibe’ from this person…

.

Me or my brother?
I hope you say me…

-Thirst

I don’t know this guy – so I could be completely wrong but I’ve heard this tone before – over and over again – and it rings alarm bells.

I don’t mean to be offensive Thirst. You probably posted this letter with the aim of releasing some emotion and gaining a little sympathy rather than setting your brother up for a public bashing but I’m being honest by describing the feelings I got from reading it.

If it were my brother’s letter, I would have entitled the thread “A Parasite’s Kiss?”

I hope I’m way off the mark.

.

Hi KM,

You are completely right. That’s why it hurts so much. I love/hate my brother.

To be fair though, this last time, he was doing a lot better. It’s why it was so heartbreaking to the point of wanting to give up entirely on him. We all choose a path, it just hurts that my brother’s path is so distant from my own.

Sorry if I came off a bit snapish. I am sincere in my apology. I hope you can forgive me.

-Thirst

That’s cool; I didn’t take offence.

The fact that people like your brother do well from time to time (and have some good qualities) makes it so much harder when trying to assess how to help them. If they were simply no-hope bastards it would be easy to leave them to their fate but that doesn’t sound like the case here. It seems he’s taking you on the hope/disappointment/hope/disappointment rollercoaster.

Often, when people continually relapse into a self destructive behaviours, they have deep psychological issues which need to be addressed before any permanent change will take root. If the foundation has gaping holes in it, the structure on top will eventually cave in.

I’m assuming here, of course, but if he has abandonment issues re his father and perceptions of being unloved from his mother, his feelings of being unloved and worthless will manifest in his behaviour. His early negative behaviour then attracts negative comments which reinforce his feelings of worthlessness and the deepening pattern continues throughout his life. He might need more than you can give him. He might need professional help?

.

I’ve been on lots of rollercoasters lately…

Ha! Story of my life… But there is something inside me that believes humans no matter what, a human can rebuild her/his foundation. I think we all have it in us to help restore one another.

Who doesn’t need professional help?

-Thirst