Fugitive

Creative Forums Creative Writing
1

Someone asks:
What is your secret?

All we are aware of is
The edge of the question mark…

What could you say?
My secret is frequently searched for…
Call out our name! Stop hiding from us!
You make me light nervous cigarettes
What we guessed at in the dark of night!
Secrets are keeping secrets from our secrets.
They make a terrible question come alive.
Dark and searched for like mice:
Our secret forgets themselves…momentarily
…Who are you: my lover?
If we could give you a name it would be easier…
It would set a wandering mind at ease.
You keep us forever under cover
As whispers
Whisper our secret’s to us
And tell us who we are….

Someone asks me:
What is your secret?

My secret is frequently searched for…
Call out my name! Stop hiding from me!
You make me light nervous cigarettes
What we guessed at in the dark of night
Secrets are keeping secrets from our secrets.
They make a terrible question come alive.
Dark and searched for like mice:
My secret forgets themselves…momentarily
…Who are you: my lover?
If I could give you a name it would be easier…
It would set a wandering mind at ease.
You keep me forever under cover
Reveal yourself as whispers
Whisper my secret’s to me
And tell me who I am….

Which version is better?
Or are they both simply
AWFUL?

2

I like the first one and i don’t really like the second one.
i like the frankness of your language, but the whole thing really feels lyrical…as if these words should be sung. i’m not sure why.

i think lines like “…in the dark of the night!” take away from the originality of the first piece.

3

You see I am beginning to think this piece of prose stinks. There are a lack of images…perhaps I need to use more figurative language.

Also the whole notion of people possessing secrets seems a bit literal now…rather twee…tardy…overdone…cliche! I want to keep this poem but I just think it is failing…perhaps I thought about it too much.

I thought -what we guessed at in the dark of night - was suitably straight forward and thoughtful.

4

I’m with Alexis on this one. I like the first piece much much better – don’t like the second at all – and I would drop the, in the dark of night line altogether. It seems as if you could keep the flow and sentiment of your poem without that, more or less, hackneyed line.

Edit: Actually, I changed my mind about in the dark of night line. :blush: