There are lots of people who are shy in every situation except one-on-one.
She’s not shy in a group, either. She’s done some pretty outgoing things in the past in public. I mean, nothing too deviant, but evidence that she’s not shy. I’m shy most of the time unless it’s one-on-one. She doesn’t seem to be. I think there’s a difference between shy and non-communicative.
But I guess this is the defining question: if you’re shy, will you talk to people you don’t know at length? She’s done that; she’s just put up a front of who she is.
Okay, maybe she’s just a phony. They exist.
What is it you want to know, again?
Well, I kind of wanted advice on how to get her to talk and be more open. I had known to wait and just be patient and open and stuff - I guess that’s all there is to it.
Unless that’s not all there is to it.
OK, so a few things to consider. First off, there is Yangming’s eternal statement, “If you want to know bitterness, you must eat a bitter melon yourself!” Keep that in mind, as a lot of the advice you’ll get both from peers and (especially) from older associates is of this nature. Sure, it is technically correct – you may even recognize it as such, but that doesn’t mean you really understand it and are therefore able to act upon it.
- The girl you are dealing with is dealing with that sort of situation. She is dealing with unrequited love, a normal part of adolescence. Nothing wrong with that, no shame. You can be there as a friend but people engaged in adolescent bouts of unrequited love ought have a large neon “don’t get emotionally involved” sign on their heads. You’ll get stuck in the ‘friend zone’ which is emotionally satisfying but very unsatisfactory. No matter what she claims.
You might be able to maneuver that into fuck-buddy range (depending on each of your experience in that area, general sluttiness, and other factors like availability of alcohol). But lemme tell ya, especially at that age where emotions are so very high – trust me, the way you view yourself during middle school now, you will view yourself as having been in high school. Less extreme, in general range, sure. Puberty is a bitch that way. But in HS you actually have to deal with shit (relationships, future, jobs, parent-child relationships, yada-yada) whereas the situation in middle school is entirely hormonal. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you in terms of emotionally detached sex, so don’t pretend to engage in that while having your emotional innards eaten out by sleeping with someone who really wants to be with someone else. That is for clubs, not for friends.
So, no-no-no in terms of emotional involvement. By the nature of this post, this advice is most certainly coming too late since you seem rather smitten with her.
Which leads to #2: Learn to love the burn. Rejection is a normal part of life. If you don’t dwell on it or fear it, there is no shame in certain feelings. I’ve been in love with dear friends who haven’t reciprocated and dear friends have been in love with me when I just wasn’t feeling it. Provided everything is on the table and on the up-and-up, sexual experiences can be wonderfully cathartic and just plain fun in these situations. But everything has to be on the square. But if you are relatively inexperienced, see #1 in terms of sexual contact! It is more important right now to internalize the notion that rejection isn’t a big deal. If it isn’t a big deal, you won’t be creepy about it, and nobody really cares.
And then there is #3: Don’t get emotionally involved with crazy women with baggage. Bad stuff.
We’re 16; well past middle school age.
To #3: my family has a history with getting involved in somehow messed-up women, especially with father issues, so I feel it as somewhatah of a right of passage. Hahaha.
To #1: She propositioned me once before, a while back. I said no. I thought it would be fucked up to take advantage of her, because she was in a weird place at that point, plus I didn’t want to have a friends-with-benefits sort of relationship with her. I don’t know.
To #2: I guess I’m a little smitten.
So don’t be too too hesitant about making some sort of move?
Yeah, I remember you being past middle school. I’m just trying to give perspective. Think back to how you were in middle school, right? You had no idea what was going, were overly emotional, and did a bunch of entirely human things but in retrospect, you could have made it a lot easier on yourself. The whole, “I wish that I knew what I know now, when I was younger” sort of thing. Well, later on you’ll look back on 16 the same way. That isn’t a bad thing, some of those learning experiences are wonderful (both at the time and in retrospect!). But keep in mind that you have a tendency right now to take the harder road due to inexperience. Not a bad thing. Don’t view occasionally saying, “Damn, there has to be an easier way to do this!” as a bad thing, because when you ask yourself that question you are in the process of figuring out how to make the way easier.
As for making a move, why the hell not? What have you got to lose? Nothing, that is what.
No matter what your age, Xunzian has here imparted valuable advice. Once in the FZ, always in the FZ.
I have been a little slow on the uptake.
Hey - she’s the way she is. If you like her, why try to change her? If you want to get into her pants, and she wants to get in yours, why are you saying no?
With this sort of thing, I think you more or less have to go for it. Eventually, at least.
What? You want her to be the girl you like, but “normal”? So you won’t feel guilty? Just treat her well, get her to bed, if that’s what you both want, and keep treating her well. It goes where it goes.
I had that same problem. Then I just started skipping the green ones and now I only have four periods a year.
Okay.
I mean, I’m sorry if I created this thread entirely in vain and am asking questions that anybody with experience could have answered. I mean, I don’t have experience, but I should have figured this out.
Thank you both.
Nothing to apologize for – that is the point of it all. Now go blithely disregard what we said and learn from it. Then Faust and I can go “kids these days” and you can call us squares who don’t understand. See, the cycle works perfectly.
I’m serious. There isn’t anything wrong with that. That is how things are supposed to be. Don’t sweat it.
Will do.
Get off my lawn and get a haircut.
Stop oppressing me and grow a conscience, man.
That explains alot darlin, you have repressed mones 
Shaney I have been a recluse throughout my life I still only really know a few people other then blood family , my husband and I have a great marriage. He is gregarious but, it works with my reclusiveness. Convince her to go get a hormone workup and if its OK then she just might lack the social bug. There are times that people get too much for me. I have problems with crowds.
She may just not be able to cope with people on a normal basis.
I would be supremely scared of either asking her to get a hormone workup or of seeing the results.
You don’t ask her hon, you start talking about a relative that has similar issues and that the family found out that her period was causing problems…You can flesh out the story and to make it seem a part of a casual conversation and believable.
What this does is just gently nudge her mind towards a direction of getting her own health checked out.
Like I said: if that was the case, which it most likely isn’t, then I would think it seems a little unhealthy to be fixing it with birth control pills. It sounds scary.