Girls are strange things, guys are stupid...

Scenario:

I’m out of my room and my girlfriend checks her email, and then casually decides to read a few of mine as msn has logged in automatically. she stumbles across one in which i discuss her and another girl a few days before we start going out: the discussion is pretty direct, because it was meant for my best friend. she gets very upset, and basicallly goes off on one about not being able to trust me.

Question:

Do i have a right to discuss my relationship - warts and all - with a few select friends, or can i only talk to her…? Furthermore, how can i balance my anger at her pilfering my inbox against my guilt for the seemingly heartless weighing up of two human beings? :confused:

you’re in a spot, here…I think they did a TV show about something like this.

basically, you’ve got two problems: 1) you said things she didn’t like to read and 2) she invaded your space by reading your msg. histories.

If you’re going to deal with this, you have to deal with both of these. You have to ask yourself, 1) what would I do if I read these things about me? and 2) do I trust a girl who snoops into my msg. histories?

Trust is a two-way street, so you are right to be upset that she discovered these messages. Of course, you shouldn’t talk bad about your girl to other people…

Then, you also said she wasn’t your girl at the time…this is an important distinction that I would mention if I were you.

You both screwed up. If you like this girl and want to continue your relationship, you should sit down and talk honestly…and you should apologize for saying those things. Maybe tell her you won’t do it again.

Where you’ve got a problem is if she doesn’t realize she broke your trust and read your messages…if she doesn’t apologize, then you have a different dilemma to consider.

The love you take is equal to the love you make…

That is the best advice humanly possible. Good job, bgause. You have a hard decision ahead, man. No one can make it for you. Neither one of you are in the right here, and you both now have trust issues.

Move on with these trust issues building or cut your losses? Basically what it gets down to.

thanks for the advice guys, feeling more mellow now. :slight_smile:

but one thing was touched on that still raises questions for me: can i not talk about my girl with my best friend, whether those feelings are bad or not? quite often when i’ve been angry with a girl i’ve talked to a buddy, and had my perspective widened so that the whole issue seemed less serious.

this is not to say that i slag off all my girlfriends, but there are times when you get stressed and need to let it out with someone else. or is it always better to talk to the girl concerned directly…?

If a girl doesn’t want you talking about her, it’s because she knows she is doing something wrong, and does not want to have to change it (if she knew other people would know about it, she never would have done it). Her asking you to keep things to yourself is sort of like the folks who used to say (or still say) it is dangerous when women start to read – they start getting ideas… yadda yadda yadda. It is a form of manipulation, to keep you isolated and focused totally on her view of how things should go in the relationship. It is unhealthy.

You need to vent, and you need a second opinion. Just make sure you seek it from someone you trust. And consider that if there is a very large gap between the way you talk about her when she’s gone, and the way you talk about her to her face – there is not enough communication going on between you (maybe she does not allow you to be honest, or maybe you don’t feel the need to be honest? could be many reasons)… ‘course that’s comin’ from a chic, lol… but there y’are.

Next time, when you log out of your e-mail, delete the cookies. This should keep the auto-login thingy from happening. And, I’d change your password, if you haven’t done so already.

But yeah, I see your point. :wink:

…are you talking to me BMW-guy? I’m confused…

There is a more general question here. Sometimes some of my friends will talk with me about their S.O. I always feel that if they trust me to talk with something they can’t talk with the S.O. about, then that person can’t really be that important. It seems to me that the differance lies in weather they think about that person as a object of desire/obligation (like a good job might be) or weather they see that person as a partner. So, when someone comes to me for relationship advice, (odd because I’m perpetually alone,) I can only assume they aren’t looking at things properly. Your lover should be the one talking you trough the stresses of the world, not BE one of the stresses. But I’m just a single guy and Dr. Phil would disagree.

Opps! Sorry about that She. I was actually responding to purely enquiring’s first post. :sunglasses: :wink:

Oh, yeah… good advice BMW_guy

They can be both at the same time, or either at different times… Get past the infatuation/‘honeymoon’ stage and you’ll find out…

That to me becomes an issue when they are not talking to their S.O. about the important stuff, when they are talking shite about their S.O. consistently w/ no intention of ending the relationship or fixing the problems, and when they are talking to someone who has no clue about romantic relationships… And usually has more to do w/ it being a casual-sex relationship or one between two very very young people…

But talking to a close, trusted friend about a relationship either means you care enough about the relationship to not rely on just your own (human) judgment – but, maybe you are so ‘in’ to your S.O. you can’t get him/her off your mind and you have to talk about how awesome they are. It isn’t necessarily negative stuff…

She’s mad about him sizing her up before they went out. That seems a little like over-reacting to me, she must be very young and immature, really insecure. If he were to kiss her ass now, it would only reenforce her tendency to be over-bearing. He has nothing to apologize for. Maintain the lines of respect now or it will just be downhill from here…

Perhaps he could tell her what he likes about her… what keeps him coming back… what makes her stand out from the rest… while at the same time being realistic about the fact that there will always be uglier/more beautiful people out in the world, always be people better/worse than you in every aspect of life…? That is… if he agrees w/ all that…

You feel guilty about the weighing up of two human beings – deal with that. You think it’s wrong for you to do it – don’t do it anymore. Tell her you think it’s wrong and you aren’t going to do it anymore. But reserve the right to discuss things w/ your friends. Isolation is death [ repeat over and over ].