Funeral
For an old idea
Funeral
For a dying box
May the dirt
Remain on top
May the fire
Burn down
the fear, the expectation, the confusion
of the same
mistakes
time to pay respects
for how
these feet function
somehow
on ground
and how
this back can bend
without pain
here is my respect
to my sick ideas
newly departed
there is no heaven
there is no hell
it’s cloudy sky
with sun behind
that’s not a secret
its not mine
I would like to read the cynical sequel to this…
Alex,
You didn’t hit your stride until, ‘‘and how this back can bend without pain’’, but when you did, you really did.
The first two stanzas feel awkward, forced and unconvincingly formal. In the first half of the third stanza you begin to find your feet and the style begins to stand on it’s own, and from there on, just gets better. The style doesn’t feel as forced and formal as before that, and each idea follows the next in a satisfactory logic. This gives the overall theme a more pleasing structure.
The ideas, because of the poor style, are unsatisfyingly obscure and unconvincing in the first two stanzas, but due to the subsequent improvement in style, they gain flesh and a unique aspect. In the second half of the third stanza and especially the last stanza, the ideas take on a realistic darkness, as opposed to the melodramatic darkness of the first or so. The overall theme displays a wonderfully sublte conflict which, through the writers perspective, leaves the reader torn. Not so subtle as to lose substance, but just so as to not be overbearing, like I said before, with realism.
That’s my opinion. I’m trying to change the communal habit of not responding to posts in the CW by my own example.
Here’s my advice if you agree with my appraisal. The problem at the start is a very common one. It happens, because, when you start, your depending on your conscious ideas alone. When you start writing, your mind becomes focused on that act, and similar to meditation, that focus allows the barrier between your conscious and subconscious mind to lessen and your writing becomes more fluid, and the talent(that I think you have) can come out, without the censorship of being too aware of yourself.
The way to get around this is to explore the initial ideas that you have when you write, in your head. Take a deep breath, close your eyes, and focus on the ideas, until the way you’re phrasing it flows a little better. The hardest part is to notice when you’re stuttering poetically, so to speak. Another thing is this, your last lines are the best of the piece. People often get afraid, consciously or subconsciously, when they write something quite good that they are going to ruin it if they continue, so they stop. You should try to push through that subtle anxiety, because if you have an idea that is coming through quite well, then it’s worth pursuing. You might stumble a bit after it, but not so much that it will ruin the piece and you’ll surely get back on track and develope the theme with some more well formed ideas.
I liked it, very much, overall.
btw
Very, very good.