Santa: [ checking it twice ] Tsk tsk tsk. Suzie has been a bad little girl this year. Yep, she’s all yours, God. [ Rudolf’s nose goes dim. ]
Suzie: No, Santa, no!!! Mommy is an atheist! Mommy!!!
Jesus Christ, Super Star: [ Shady style: ] Guess who’s back! [ canned laughter ] Yes, “to hell” with the adults, I decided only to rapture the good little boys and girls, with a little help from Santa. Merry Christmas, Suzie, and a happy eternity in hell!
[ tear streaks down Jesus’ face, Santa pulls a sword out of his bag of goodies and tosses it over to Jesus ]
[ to Himself: if only she had believed in Me, I could have saved her ]
Suzie: [ stalling ] Uh, What’s up with that sword? That’s soo bible-times.
Jesus: Suzie is right, Santa, this sword is outdated. What else you got
in that bag of goodies…?
[ Santa pulls out an AK-47, fully automatic, tossing it over to Jesus. ]
Santa: Don’t leave home w/o it.
[ Santa covers his face with his beard and uses Rudolf as a splash-gaurd. ]
[ amidst gunfire and screaming, the title hits a screen of blood ]
CHRISTMAS MEETS JUDGMENT DAY
…if it’s not a gift under the tree, it’s an eternity in hell.
Coming to a theatre near you, Christmas 2004 [ the sound of jingle bells ]
[ lightning bolt strikes the television set ]
Booming voice of God: Gadzooks, Zeus, lightning is so 400 B.C.–we use felled electricity poles now!
. . . stole that line from Rebecca.