HELP!!: relationship problem! (necesita mucho assistar!)

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1

WHAT IS BEST?

  • break up, NOW!!
  • wait a little, and do it through gradually "weaning" him off of our relationship
  • dont do it, just stay with him.
0 voters

okay, so theres this guy…

he is really awesome and funny and sweet and adorable. he likes me alot too, he leaves me little notes at my door, little messages through email (every day), letters, mixed CDs, survival kits full of skincare products and magazines and movies and he spends alot of money on me (expensive restaurants, gifts, amusementpark entries etc.).-and this guy is not wealthy!

the problem is: i dont like him as a boyfriend. im just not attracted to him at all, whatsoever. i do think hes a nice guy and i really care about him.

we started going out a few months ago, and we would only go on dates and it was nice and easy…then he started spending all this money on me, and i told him not to, and hes all “youre worth it” (or something along those lines). i felt that the relationship still wouldnt go anywhere andhadnt the heart to break up with him. but a few days ago, he told me that he LOVES me!! you couldnt imagine my horror! i feel soo bad.

why?
because he has depression, he dropped a good university to go to a community college because of drugs, and finally he stopped doing them. he recently stopped smoking and implied that i was part of what made him turn around. he does everything i say, like if he asks me if he should dye his hair, and i shrug and say “well…i guess, i like it the way it is now” he wont do it, even if he already bought the dye etc. he said that i was a big part of his life and was SINCERE about everything, i mean, trust me, i know when a guy is not being serious, like that “oh, your eyes, they are like sapphires!” crap… and he also admitted that he feels much happier around me and fell into depression again over a period of time when we were together. he also has VERY low self-esteem and even admitted to it one time. I have done my best to act neutral towards him all the time- but he just doesnt get it.

he recently told me that his last date was a couple years ago and he cant kiss! at all! he purses his lips and sticks his tongue out! its so weird! and no, he is not retrded or anything, i just cannot figure him out. maybe it is because he is about 5 years older than me, and an adult and is afraid of doing anything with a minor? mayve he has no sex drive because of his depression or as a side effect of is meds. maybe hes gay??maybe he simply doesnt know how to do it?

so, i must say that i really dont care about what i have to do, i just want him to be happy so if you were me, would you stay with him and pretend it is all good and wait for it to fall apart (but what if it doesnt?!) or would you just break it off before it gets serious (but what if he commits suicide, or starts doing drugs, or gets even less self-esteem? and how should i go about doing so? and can a relationship get any further than “i love you”?)?!!

please please help!

2

Break up with him. As hard as it is now, it’ll only hurt him (and probably you) worse if you wait. And if you try and stay together with him, it’ll only get worse for you. You can’t stay in a relationship that you’re not really into.

Stop the madness now! Whatever he does, he does to himself. It’s not your fault.

3

Hey ET,

I echo what Skydaemon says. I used to be in a relationship with a girl who self-harmed and one of the things I always had to tell myself was that what she did to herself was her choice and that I was not to blame for making her upset or breaking up with her. He decides what he does to himself and you are not responsible for that. It sounds like the only reason you are with him is because you are afraid of breaking up with him. That’s not really a good enough reason in the long run and you will only end up hurting him and yourself. I think it’s best if you end things clearly but gently.

Good luck with it,

Ben

4

Or while we’re at it, how about this…

rómpase para arriba con él inmediatamente

5

Ditch him

If you’re 17 or whatever and he’s 22 with issues…

Well, from the way you wrote the post it sounds like you know what to do, but just don’t -want- to do it.

6

Yes, what Ben said is best with the emphasis on making your reasons clear to him. Depression is caused by how you think and to have him blown out of the water in the middle of his happiest time will puzzle the shit out of him, for years.

So, if you like and respect him then explain yourself. You might both end up feeling ok about the situation.

7

Break up.

(But do your best to explain why…)

8

Embracetrees,

Be nice and compassionate at first, but eventually you’re going to have be tough about it. He will have a very difficult time accepting you don’t want to be with him, and will likely do anything in his power to try and convince you that you’re perfect together. What he won’t realize, sadly, is that everything he is going to do and say- in his meak and insecure attempts at winning back your affection- will only push you farther away.

This is very good for you, because you should be as far removed from him as possible.

Have you ever pondered why on earth a guy would pursue a minor? The answer is simple: it’s because women his age can see his problems from miles away. He can’t even get near them.

This is a very good experience for you, so don’t loathe it too much. You’ve now learned how to spot undesirable relationships before they even begin, and you’re only 17 (I think).

Everyone has given you great advice. Step up to the plate and kindly let him know it’s not going to work out. Hopefully he’ll take the hint. Most likely he won’t (because of his depressive and insecure tendencies), at which point you’ll have to take a firmer stance.

It’s not going to be fun, but as Ben said, you’re not responsible for him. He needs to accept how you feel- that’s what a confident and stable person would do. And that’s what you deserve, a confident and stable person.

9

thanks, you guys!
well, i do know what i should do… but when i do break up with him, how do i do it? i will NOT tell him the truth (that i didnt like him) but i feel so awful! poor guy doesnt suspect a thing! and he is the sweetest kindest person alive!

well, what about if you were him? would you rather have a girl ease out of a elationship with you? like see each other less and less? or would you rather have me tell you that i never liked you? or would you rather have me fake it (wha you dont know cant hurt you)

i cant do what is best fo me, because it is my fault i deceived him. when we first started seeing each other, i was drawn to him because of his knidness and couldnt turn him down. its all my fault! i cant hurt someone like that!

tell me everything youre thinking cos i havent a clue! :cry:

10

Tell him there’s another guy.

misplaced jealously is better than misplaced anger.

You can even use my pic if you want.

11

break up now. He will hurt but that is his
issue, not yours. The key is to know what is your issue,
and your issue is you don’t like him as a boyfriend.
That is all you need to know. Anything else is irrelevant.
If he has a problem, it is his problem, not yours.
Knowing who has the problem is half the battle of getting
older. Stick to your issue and don’t ever deviate from it.

Kropotkin

12

Take it from someone who has been in more relationships than I’ll ever admit…tell him you don’t want a relationship with him as soon as you read this, even though he seems nice,even if he cries, even if he threatens to kill himself (especially if he threatens to kill himself).

God, if I only could have given myself advice at your age. His behaviours mirror that of men I have dated who turned out to be abusive once they “had” me. There are many red flags that should tell you to get away from him.

  1. He’s a recovering drug addict…you don’t need the stress of dealing with a possible relapse and becoming his co-dependant. He’s switched his addiction to you for now, and as flattering as it may be, it is not a sign of mental stability on his part. Love and obsession are not the same thing.

  2. He is trying to make you responsible for his happiness.

It’s a trap…he wants you to feel so responsible for his mental stability that you’ll feel too guilty to dump him.

Any guy that cries on your shoulder about how low his self-esteem is is trying to manipulate you. People who think they are shit will eventually think you must be shit for being with them.

  1. Men who threaten suicide are usually violent people. If they don’t have a problem with hurting themselves, they probably won’t have a problem with hurting you,either. I had an ex mail me receipts for straight razors and sleeping pills in an effort to get me back…manipulative behaviour.

  2. Beware of men who give too many gifts too soon. Normal people don’t behave this way…again, he is trying to make you feel too guilty to break up with him. He wants you to think, “But he spent all of his money buying me gifts…how can I break his heart after he’s done so much for me?”

  3. Don’t trust a man who says “I love you” when you haven’t sent any signals that you feel the same way. Plus, it’s too soon. It reeks of manipulation…“How can I break his heart when he’s in love with me?”

  4. I’m not saying this in a bad way, but a girl your age is a perfect target for a guy who wants to find someone he can eventually control. I think the whole bad kissing thing may be a con to make you feel sorry for him. I had a guy pretend to be a virgin ( because I was a virgin) and the act carried on for months. He was lying the whole time.

Break up with him in a public place or use email. Do not do it while alone with him…he could be potentially dangerous.

13

Since I’ve arrived late on this thread and everyone has already covered what I would have said (that it isn’t your fault and you should break with him and soon) I’ll offer a suggestion regarding tactics, take it or leave it…

Don’t tell him that there’s someone else, don’t tell him that it’s all because he’s a depressed weirdo looney whom you’ve been stringing along, don’t tell him anything like that. Just say that to you it is clear that you aren’t as well matched as he thinks that you are, that you don’t love him and that since he’s made it clear that he feels more for you than you do for him (no need to be any harsher than that) that such an imbalance will only cause you both more problems down the line.

If you feel that this is correct then you might want to suggest to him that he doesn’t actually love you and that he tells himself that he does to avoid confronting his depression. It’s an easy mistake to make when you are depressed, your sadness leads you to overemphasise the things that make you happy. I’m sure that you do make him happy, I’m sure that you’d make me happy if I were friends with you because you’re a highly likeable person. But I’m not convinced that he loves you…

I’m not sure that he’s as bad as Shyster has made out but she’s said a lot of things that may well be perfectly accurate. His behaviour does reek of manipulation, but not the sort of manipulation that is premeditated, he probably isn’t even aware that he’s acting how he is due to his own problems. This is also an easy mistake for the depressed to make, they create situations that perpetuate their depression (e.g. convincing themselves that they love someone who does not love them) but don’t realise that they are doing it.

So my advice is to try to be pleasant and sympathetic about it but to primarily look after your own interests. You’ve got to be tough and draw the line. Now I’m sure that you’d prefer to not hurt his feelings because you are a decent person who tends to prefer to not hurt peoples feelings in you can help it. But you will, because break ups always hurt. That’s just one of the fucked things about relationships which we’ve not found a way to correct as yet (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind excluded).

You’ve made up your mind, clearly, so see it through. If you try to see this as a good thing, a necessary evil that will ultimately produce a better situation than the present one, then you’ll be more likely to get that across to him.

If it turns nasty then fuck it, life is just like that sometimes. You’ll get through it, I’m sure. Best of luck trying to find a peaceful solution…

14

All of the above and I know that if we could we would all be standing behind you to protect you and hug you afterwards. Be strong, there is a guy waiting for you when you are ready.

15

Leave him. Don’t even try to let him down easy, he will percieve that kindness as affection and persue you relentlessly for it. Dump all the stuff he’s given you, or at least what’s left of it, back in his lap, so he cannot think he has somehow “bought the rights” to you.

Sever all connection, it’s not your fault he’s fucked up, and he will only ever be a weight around your neck, he will make you miserable to make himself feel better. He will be driven to. And do not feel responsible for any actions he may take, or threaten to take when you leave, you are not his keeper. The break up of a relationship is a normal occurance in everyone’s life, how he responds to this is his responsibility, not yours.

And for God’s sake in future pick someone ‘normal’; you’re a pretty girl, artistic and funny - you don’t need to take the hand of the first nutter with a bunch of flowers. You don’t need a boyfriend to be complete whatever the adverts may say, boyfriends are optional extras, not de-rigeur. If there’s no-one around you fancy at any point in time, wait, rather than take second choices, simply so you can say “Hey - I’ve got a boyfriend” to anyone who cares.

Seriously, end it and end it now.

16

ET,

I agree with Tab. This guy has so many red flags that it is hard to count them. He sounds like big trouble to me. This might sound melodramatic, but he IS on the edge and I wonder whether you two should be alone at all. Start being unavailable even if you go sit at the library by yourself.

I wouldn’t wait too long.

17

“Start being unavailable even if you go sit at the library by yourself.”

Trust me, that is the exact thing that makes men want to kill women.

18

Sorry, Ad. You might be right! :wink:

19

Yeah, it says “I’m being a bitch, and don’t have to explain why” then the guy can say, “that bitch tricked me, after all I did you her!” That makes the woman look bad and become a focus for anger.

It’s better to explain that you’re just not feelin’ in and then avoid him as best as possible.

Generally, I would bet avoiding is going to be part of this, but you have to give his mind something to work with.

20

embracetrees,
Look. You know what you have to do. It’s hard as hell. Just do it. All of these people posted about how much they care for you and how much you should do what is best for you and not him. Don’t try to spare his feelings. In the long run, it will be better for him as well. Shyster’s post may have been a little extreme, but these people exist. You are still young and it is a scary, scary world we live in sometimes.

There are many people on this forum who care about you. Most polls on ILP only get a couple responses. When I looked at the results it was 11-0-0. That’s a pretty overwhelming majority.

Bottom line: if you don’t feel the same way he does, your relationship will never work. Relationships need that balance and sense of stability. Being with someone who is mentally unstable and that obsessive is never a good idea.