I feel trapped. The walls are moving in on me and it’s getting hard to breath Absurdity is listening to your watch and hearing your life ticking away. It feels almost unreal to watch my hands type. For a moment I actually thought that I wasn’t the one typing but that I was watching someone else type using my hands. I feel empty and sad. No sadness doesn’t feel like this. It has to be grief. Grief is the unnerving and disgusting sensation I am feeling. It’s so pure and so hard to process. I have no idea what I am grieving but that’s okay. Life is still moving on without me and that hurts me. I am hurt to see the time change when I look at the clock. Why can’t I take a moment to breath? Incoming text messages just remind me that I am still grounded to this reality. It’s not that easy. You can’t just leave. You have to sit and watch as the pieces fall apart. No not even that. The pieces don’t actually even fall apart. You just perceive them falling apart but in reality they are in tact and waiting for you. A cruel reminder that your emotions mean nothing and your existence is hollow. But it can’t be completely hollow because it matters to you and it matters to those that love you and to those that hate you. Hate, grief, loathing, and love are such strong emotions. They are titans. They cannot be domesticated. They are monumental monoliths in the center of the mind. They are a permanent mark that changes you. For better or for worse you have no choice. It has been decided for you. You have no free will. You have no destiny. You have chaos. Pure and absurd chaos.
Beautiful.