It is the word, on my brain
Once again, it’s insane
A word but it’s more
Like a store for my thoughts
With a built in back-door
That ties it in knots
Till it hurts
I can’t stop
It’s a word, it’s a smile
It’s something you do
It’s a gaze that said
“Matthew you fool.
Come in for a while,
stay with me instead?â€
I like it. Double kudos for S1. S2, however, didn’t sit too well for me.
I would change the tense from past to present:
From “It’s a gaze that said” to “It’s a gaze that says”.
Present tense makes the action more immediate, and I think brings the reader more into the experience.
Thoughts?
Yeah I see what you’re saying. It’s past tense because it more of less refers to a point in actual time. That is… the actual time of my life. Plus, it sort of implies that I did in fact ‘come in’…
… k well I didn’t mean for it to sound blatantly sexual but you know what I mean.
Well I figured as much, but I’d personally still go with the present tense. Besides, S1 is in the present tense, “It is the word” not it was, so you got parallelism issues if you keep S2 in the past tense as well.
Btw, love the new avatar. Where’d you get it?
I went to photobucket and searched ‘avatar’
what I got was the motherload of all avatars.