This topic is regarding Matthew E. and his self proclaimed need for relationship advice. Enter at your own risk!
To begin…
I often hear insanity defined as, “repeatedly engaging in the same activity and expecting a different outcome.” I find myself realizing a pattern in my relationships, to the point where I am beginning to think I need to change my habits if I desire to have long term results. My problem (I think) is that I often find myself “pushing away” women once I begin expressing that I care for them. As of now, my relationships tend to last 6-10 months if I haven’t elected to break things off earlier.
With my last girlfriend, it took a few months for me to “fall” for her. During that time, I was my usual charming and witty self, but with a dash of “I don’t give a shit.” Like clock-work, as soon as I lose that “I don’t give a shit” attitude, it’s lights out on the relationship. This same pattern has resonated through previous relationships as well.
I suppose this is my question: To keep a long term relationship, am I to keep from ever expressing that I care? I have these idealized notions that I will be able to share every thought I have with my girl, especially pertaining to how much I care for her, without the girl running for the hills (or into the arms of De’Trop).
My parents are still together, and simply tell me that it’s the girl- not me. That one day, when the right gal comes running along, she’ll reciprocate every expression of love that I do. Oh, the cheerfulness of parents… I loathe it at times like these.
My friends are split down the middle: the men tell me to keep a lid on it, the women tell me to let it out. As a result, I tend to be very skepitcal of women who give relationship advice.
I’d like to state that I’m not laying it on too thick or obsessively over-doing it. I don’t become a wimpering man-boy that “needs” to be with his girlfriend because of gross insecurities. Far from it. Nothing changes, except that I begin to do what would be considered “nice things” for her. Things that I want to do. Things my father would do for my mom. I should also mention that when/if there is argument, I tend to handle it in a more caring fashion as opposed to the “I don’t give a shit” attitude. I think these actions are perceived as weak or not masculine and so therefore kill the attraction that had once thrived. Perhaps 6-10 months is just too soon to begin making such gestures. If so, when is a good time? Years?
Of course, I could just never do any of the characteristic “nice” things that historically give me problems. Unfortunately another issue then arises: I don’t feel “connected” as much as I would like to be. I feel as though I’m just controlling the situation. It becomes exceeding benign and insincere at that point. I seek the closeness my parents and several friends have in their relationships, but can’t seem to make that leap for reasons unbeknownst to me.
Of course, it is entirely possible that I don’t have a healthy outlook on relationships; that I am the one who is missing the train and needs to adjust. Or, that this is the gross reality- that I I will only be able to open up at very select and few moments.
I’m curious what you folks think, especially the married ones. When/how was that bridge crossed in your relationship? Or was it ever?
