I met a girl through okcupid a couple months ago. Let’s call her Jess.
I live in a house with four other guys, one of whom also happened to be on okcupid and liked the same girl. When we realized this, we decided to invite her over to watch movies. Neither of us were that interested in her sexually – we just both thought she was really cool and could help us branch out of our little math-grad-student social circles. We had a great time watching movies and youtube videos and talking late into the night about whatever.
The next week she came over again, and we started talking philosophy. Jess is a poet with science and philosophical interests, while I am a mathematician with philosophical and literary interests. I hung out at her place and vice versa maybe a dozen times in the next few weeks. Everytime we would talk for hours about so many things. There’s always something to talk about or do with Jess. Looking for a girlfriend, instead I had found a lifelong friend. Until last Friday night, when we hosted a huge house party and she pulled me onto the dance floor. I knew by her smile and the way we were getting closer, closer, that we were about to happen. Even if I wasn’t sure that I wanted it. So I let it happen. We kissed, we danced, we sprawled out on top of each other on the couch and talked and listened to the dance music for hours. We went back to her place as my bed doesn’t comfortably carry two (gotta order a full size or something soon). We didn’t have sex but we did everything else. We held and touched and caressed each other so much that for a couple days after, whenever I touched my hands to my head or chest, it felt like it was still her hands tracing their spells into my skin. We went our separate ways the next afternoon.
Then she disappeared.
She didn’t answer email, phone, text, for days. Finally on Thursday I get this letter. This goddamn fucking letter saying she doesn’t want a relationship after all, because she needs time to reconnect with herself. FUCK. Bitch. You pulled me into you mind, body, and soul… so close… and when I was finally drunk enough on it that I – THE GUY WHO DOESN’T REMEMBER HE HAS A CELLPHONE MOST OF THE TIME – called you up the very next day just to chat about nothing and hear your voice for a few minutes, you weren’t there because you didn’t want me anymore.
FUCK.
I hate you.
And yet I love you.
I am so thankful.
And I regret nothing.
You rock so hard.
You fucking bitch. <3
Sounds like she’s addicted to the chase/the build up to intimacy - is there comfort in knowing that you are probably not the first, nor the last, that she has done this to…?
This is very common behaviour in students: wanting the intimacy without the commitment, as they are ‘commited’ only to their studies…
She just wrote back saying that she has some issues with her body image that make it hard for her to be close to someone, and hesitant to be in a relationship. She wants to get in shape and be happy with her body before she can really accept being loved. I told her I think it’s great that she wants to lose weight, but I think she’s beautiful just the way she is and she shouldn’t put happiness on hold till she feels like she’s perfect. I hope that’s enough. She wants to be with me, she just has some baggage (literally and figuratively) that she has to deal with. But come on, everybody does.
If she comes back into a relationship, I get a crazy sweet deal. She’s lost a lot of weight but she’s not quite done yet, and her body needs time to adjust to the changes, so shallow boys haven’t lined up for a mile outside her doorstep. But if I grab her now, and she gets a nice body over the next year or two, then I get a rockstar hottie, who I connect with mentally and emotionally at an amazing level. How cool would that be?
I just wish we could have talked instead of waiting for a whole week and finally she opens up in writing. Oh well, maybe she doesn’t feel close enough to me yet that she can just spill on whatever’s bothering her. She must get some serious anxiety from body image to pass on a hot guy who wants her just to avoid having to deal with it while he’s in her bed. But we’re all fucked up, me as much as anybody… so the best we can do is find a way to be happy as we grope our way through and out of the morass.
She’s not a bitch. I just said that because she’s put me through some hurt over the last few days. But it’s really my fault for getting overattached. I felt so much after that weekend, but I can tone myself down if she doesn’t want that much intimacy yet.
Females get more confident about their bodies with age - I’d say it’s worse in one’s teens, and then better in one’s 20s, and in one’s 30s onwards it’s through the roof!
I was kinda right in my diagnosis, but it wasn’t liking the chase but fear of her self-image which prohibited bonding - silly me.
I can’t blame her. We all have wild desires that take us out of our comfort zone. They can be scary, but they’re also so wonderful… sunlight that bends us to grow in such unexpected ways.
I agree that the media makes it hard. Girls don’t understand how little we care about those little airbrushed details. Or maybe they do understand, but the obsession simmers on anyway. Obsession over detail can afflict us in all arenas of life. While an audience is in rapture at the passionate beauty of her music, the musician may be able to think of nothing but this artless phrase, that sour note. We can’t let those silly obsessions cloud the beauty and opportunity that is present to us in every moment.
The odds for the “philosopher-hottie” phenotype are far outweighed by the odds for the “Complete whiney fuck up who yet is just smart enough to rip out your spirit and piss on it.” phenotype.
Unless you are a complete troll and are convinced that this is your one and only chance to approach procreation… Run.
She may be “ready” some day, but that day surely isn’t today. She knows she has issues, so she really shouldn’t be playing you like this. It’s not as if you just met her. She surely recognises that you have gotten close on some level - she should have been a bit more honest before things went as far as they did. If she really doesn’t know herself better than that, you don’t really want in on that - or do you?
Sure - it’s your fault, but it’s hers, too. If she knows so little about human interactions…
When a girls says she needs time to reconnect with herself, of course you are bound to be confused. I think aporia took it well. I myself would probably be a lot more bitter…
So what I’m reading is that TWICE now she’s given you a straightforward explanation of what’s going on in her head (forget about the body, you need to start paying attention to what the head’s trying to tell you, dude). And TWICE you’ve decided to disregard what she said in order to make it jive with your own goal of possession.
I see great communication ahead in this relationship.
Oh, and I don’t wanna puncture your satisfaction balloon about getting dibs on the newly trimmed-down hottie body before your competition heats up, as it were…but the statistics on weight regained within a year or two are dismal. So you probably oughta consider your capacity – or lack thereof – to care about her regardless of her body size, whatever it may be. Can I hear, “Hey, just more to love!!!”? Although, considering the above gloating over gaining possession before the others start knocking on her door, it doesn’t sound like it’s gonna work out that way.
