It was religious

Creative Forums Creative Writing
1

Night,
like the calm before the storm I didn’t know what to expect,
The betrayers blood stained the sky for many years,
Yet it was religious,
My mind seeing dimensions beyond mortal thought,
You forced my hand,
But you didn’t mind,
My mind blown out of the water,
The fear settled in,
Yet it was bitter sweet,
My music was a shield,
Yet nothing can stop fate,
Lives of men long dead flashed before me,

Fear,
The blank stares at screens of light,
raw power at it’s purest,
It was Religious,
I hated the world at that moment,
reality bending to taunt me,
It left it’s scars and torn it’s path,
Yet nothing could bring back the peace,
The fire in the sky,
The smoke consuming us,
Our lives didn’t matter,
they were dust in the wind,
Nothing could save us then.

Change,
I See now that It was symbolic,
Yet it destroyed the mind and the body,
It was still religious,
through visions of pain and fear,
we found enlightenment,
It was perfection in the simplest form,
Through trains of thought and brute force,
We saw what we really were,
The Essence of hate and love,
It was the ultimate expression,
The scars still showing yet no one cares,
It was religious.

2

Except for the reflexive use of the “dust in the wind” line which immediatele recalls the chorus of the Kansas song of the same name and therefore cliche, this is a top-notch poem. I think this poem would be better served if you considered dropping that line from that stanza; plus, you wouldn’t lose anything from the context of the poem as a result, but, in fact, may enhance it. Besides that relatively minor weakness, this is an excellent “Goldilocks” poem - not too simplistic and not too complex, just right. It has just enough to say what it needs to say and nothing more.

thank you - can’t wait for more from you,
N.

3

I had the same reaction to that line–immediately started hearing the Kansas song in my head :laughing:

4

Aside from the cliche line in question, what is your opinion of the poem itself btrflykng? Do you agree that it is an excellent poem in spite of the “dust in the wind” line?

Nels.

5

There is something that puts me off a little about it, makes me stand back from it, but I can’t put my finger on it–I’ll have to read it a few more times to decide what it is. But even with that said, it is still a decent poem.