It's too built up? And other wonderings.

Philosophy Forums Philosophy
1

What is it really called, or the term. When you have to restrain from talking about something too highly, so that it’s not been too built up and flattens like a pancake when it doesn’t live up to it’s rumor.

What’s that called?

Or… what is it called when you want to tell someone something so that they don’t get the wrong idea, but tellin them so they won’t is actually really uncomfortable… Instances:

I have a personal one. I like this girl, from what I know of her so far, and I want to get to know her more and I want her to get to know me. However, I don’t have her number, I can’t ask her friend because it would fuck it up, and if I send her a facebook message she’ll freak out or get the impression i’m stalking her. But if I tell her I know this seems lame, but I just want to get to know you, get some coffee whatever sometime, that also freaks them out. Because you never get to act like your an independant person, you don’t get to show who you are, therefore the person is always a little worried about your character perhaps.

Or people kinda know who you are but you really know they don’t. You want to say out of the blue, because you know it will never come up, “hey man I’m not like what you think I am, or I’m not a jerk even though it may seem so for example” But doing that is very awkward and scares people away.

I guess what i’m getting at with this second one is, there are so many barriers or icebreakers that seperate people from what they think they know of you. Since you’re not friends with these people you never get a chance to prove yourself, and them to you, so nothing ever happens.

Cuz I can name many that happen to me. For instance, a country club I belong too, the waitresses know us young people because we grew up golfing at the course in the summers. Knew hot women a few years older than me start working there, and are taught we’re the “youngers” the spoiled brat kids who are born with silver spoons and I hate that because that isn’t me. I work at hard labor factorys, pay for my own shit, and have the maturity, if not more to date some of these girls. But how do I get that point across im not, if the predisposition is that I am?

Or alot of guys my age dont’ know me because I transfered high schools and when I got there I got the stigma that I was highly against drinking because I was passionate about not drinking. So many guys think I hate them because they drink, therefore they never say hey like they do to my best friend and they always feel awkward talking to me as if I’m judging them. I know because I’ve heard people say it, and i’ve sensed it. But I can’t just go, “hey man I know what you’re thinking, you think I dislike you because you drink, well I don’t” because thats such a gutsy move if they do think that. And if they do, it’s still weird.

Anyway, have any ideas on that problem? Maybe this should be in social sciences I don’t know. But this second has definitely bothered me alot lately if you understand what im saying?

I guess i’m very self conscious. But one good example I guess of what I mean is, say someone had a bad rumor about them and they knew it, when meeting people they knew probably knew it, they’d want to clear it up, however too soon in knowing somebody that seems to be a big no no, how does a person do it then without it ruining social relationships before they ever start?

2

I’d say the best strategy for getting the girl is to spend as much time in close proximity to her as possible. Probably with a few other people around that way she can get to know you without getting freaked out. If you say something stupid, or that you think is stupid and you start to feel self conscious, just say out loud…“that was stupid, what the fuck am I thinking about?”. Then give a little laugh, or so some self depricating humor.
As far as regular conversation goes, be modest, and talk about whatever you know the most about. If you actually like her, listen to what she says and don’t constantly relate it back to what you were saying. One of the biggest problems that guys have with women is that they never let them talk. If a girl feels comfortable talking to you and you let her go on and on, it wont be long before she’s comfortable enough around you to go places just the two of you.

After you do all that come back and I’ll give you “getting them drunk and horny 101”. If you need more specific answers to any questions just let me know.

-Scott

3

lol thanks for the advice. But like I said, Im never around her. The only time I was around her was a few short times, while meeting her through a friend. However this friend is a girl who moved states away this year, so now i have no way to ever be near her.

4

Dude you met her through another girl? You’re in man. All you have to do is get your female friend to tell her that you like her. Girls know how to tell another girl that without making you look like a fool. Female friends are the best wingmen er…women. You need to call your friend man. The chick will probably think it’s nice that you tracked her down, and if she does want to spend some time with you, then she already knows you like her and you don’t even have to worry about all that awkwardness. DO IT MAN!!! MAKE IT HAPPEN!!! GO AFTER WHAT YOU WANT!!!

5

Yeah it’s an idea. However, the plot thickens to know that I really liked this friend for a long time and tried in everyway to let her know without explicitly telling her. Hell I drew her a portrait for valentines day, I think that was hint, but, she’s way to caught up in herself… in fact I wanna sometimes think shes a lesbian. She could get about any guy she wants but she doesn’t have any guy. But she’s so artsy and exciting, and I just had to finally give up. It’s not so much that I have a huge thing for her friend, just the ‘idea’ that there are so many girls that are out of reach to even be around unless you contact them through internet, and they find that downright lame if not pathetic. So I guess i’ll just be patient…

6

You drew that? And it’s her? And you gave it to her? I know that seems romantic and nice, and it is in my opinion. But that’s a hell of a way to make an impression. The fact that it’s so well done shows that you put alot of time into it. Even if you have obssessive feelings for a girl, you can’t let it show. That’s pretty intense probably fom her point of view. A portrait is a very personal thing. (especially for women who are obsessed with aesthetics) I’d bring it up jokingly and ask if she wanted me to do 10 more. Say something rediculous that’ll be funny to her. Like…
Hey I know you loved that awesome portrait I drew of you. If you think I made you look fat I can gladly do 10 more and you can pick the one you like best. If she looks at you all crazy, tell her that it’s no big deal, you do that for all your ladies. You gotta make girls laugh. And you say she’s really into herself, it should be easy to keep her talking. The only bad thing about those kinds of girls is that you have to really listen. You’re gonna need to repeat things back to her that she says and laugh every now and then. It’s easy man!!

7

Yeah, it probably was too intense. I never really thought that through; I just figured, hey were great friends and I like her and I just want to let her know by giving her something special. She was excited to get it, and I got a hug and everything, as well as she recommended me for commission work… so it wasn’t all for nothing…

College does weird things to you. You have the idea you’re gonna meet that special someone, and you’re always getting your hopes up, but it rarely see people get together. Its like people feel, it’s college there are so many people here, I don’t want to get a relationship so I’ll stay as far away as possible.

There’s a girl that likes me right now, but she has no personality, and secondly she kinda has a lazy eye, other than that she’s pretty cute but as I said… no personality. So, Im just her friend, while she is hoping for more kinda like what this girl did to me. And the funny thing is if this girl lived near me I’d probably date her, but in college I don’t want to because right around the corner may be that girl that I’m wanting to find.

So as I said, patience is the key right now. And I am funny around women, it’s just many times when you build up a certain character around someone, it’s really hard to change. If they don’t expect you to make a sarcastic joke, they’ll take you seriously, then you gotta explain you were joking and then it’s fucked up. That’s how this first girl was. She was smart but never got anything I said for some reason. I played it wrong from the get go when I started liking her, before that she was the one interested in me and I wasn’t sure what I thought about her.

Anyway, the question I was really trying to get across in this post was how do you communicate with people in internet situations? Doesn’t matter if girl or guy, I know people that I know of to be great artists, I’d like to speak with them, but I don’t want to be a creep and add them randomly to facebook or something. I guess there are alot of people only fate will bring you to know. And trying to climb the ladder without establishment of yourself can be a big no no. You can’t get in good with the president of a company by randomly calling him when he doesn’t even know remotely who you are.

8

Dude on the internet you can send unsolicet messages to people you know. You just say, “hey I noticed you have a facebook. I have one too, let’s be internet pals.”.

9

Dude on the internet you can send unsolicted messages to people you know. You just say, “hey I noticed you have a facebook. I have one too, let’s be internet pals.”.

10

I may be wrong, it is actually possible, though I’d never admit I might be wrong.

Anyways… it sounds to me that you are afraid that this young lady may have the wrong impression of who you really are. But has she given you a reason to think she has the wrong opinion of you? Or are you simply transfering your feelings about yourself to her?

I believe that people should fear fear. I’m sure you’ve heard “the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” Well, I find that only partially true. There are other things to fear. But ‘fear’ is definately something we should be afraid of.

Do you know what one of my fears is? It is the fear of “It might have been”.

I think you should be more afraid of what ‘might have been’ between you and this girl if you do not muster the courage to talk with her or even send her a message on facebook, than you should be of how you think she will react if you do.

I had a female friend who was absolutely obsessed with this guy in on of her classes. She claims she could hardly even talk to him in class without her words getting all twisted around in her mouth. Well, after what seems to be HOURS of my trying to convince her to simply add him as a friend on facebook, she finally added him.

Do you want the rest of the story? Sure okay… I’ll tell you.

He added her as well and withing a week they were ‘dating’. It turns out that the guy had a low self value and was far too shy to delve deeper than the normal classroom chatter that sometimes occurs in class.

Do you want to hear the funny part of this story? Sure okay… I’ll tell you.

She broke up with him only a few weeks later because she found out that this guy was more of a goober than she had realized.

The moral of the story? If she had not made the first steps she would have felt all mushy gushy inside over a guy that, once she really got to know, she actually couldn’t stand.

So… who cares what she MIGHT think about you if you actually let her know that you think she is a really beautiful person. You should be more worried about what you MIGHT miss out on if you do NOT have the courage to approach her.

“For of all sad words of tongue or pen,
The saddest are these: ‘It might have been!’”
-John Greenleaf Whittier

DISCLAIMER: None of this advice means that you should run up to her and overdo it. Sometimes the ‘smooth’ approach is better than “laying it on too thick, too soon”.[/i]

11

I definitely agree.

If I can explain this girl… it would be like this.

She’s very down to earth, funny, and neat. She lives a life that seems to be filled with excitement, even though she isnt’ ‘rich’. She’s got alot of friends, and alot of guys that like her as well. When I first met her, she had a cold sore, she was kinda ragged looking, and I thought she was a little odd. But when I got to know her she was awesome. Everyone I know thinks shes cool. She’s artistic but not weird or out there, best described as she is a poser, who pulls it off really well. So, she can appear to be neat, adventures, and cool, without appearing to be weird; this allows her to be friends with sorority girls and artistic girls. They all like her. And in all of this, she seems closed. It’s just my thougths, but i’ve never seen her open up, call herself a moron, be stupid, w/e. Her immature times are times when immaturity can pass as maturity. She lives to be flawless. So while I was always wanting to tell her how I felt, I felt she never wanted to know, because she was never an open person. I could never seen a conversation with her going that way, and to think of it scared me to death. It’s hard to open up to people who aren’t open. So, this was part of my biggest problem, which is why I tried to implicitly let her know “i’m interested” without putting pressure on her, if she wants me she’ll show me a sign, which I never really got. There were the occasional moments of sitting with her and her parents in church, eating out with them, feeling a part of her family, and thinking what if, and wondering if she thought the same. But quickly shed let me know she has an abundance of other guys, friends, etc. And she can be totally independant.

That was what made it all so difficult. But this little chat with you guys, and wasn’t something I asked for but I think you guys helped. In fact I finally told her today.

12

A beautiful picture; you have great talent.

13

Thank you very much, but I must let you know Im not totally satisfied with it, nor any of my other works; and have yet to be. I had to tell you that, otherwise people may think I believe I did a great job, and therefore don’t feel I have further work to do, when in fact I haven’t even tipped the iceberg of those who were truly talented.

Albrecht Durer’s self portrait when he was 13 is enough to make any hopeful artist cry.

And in fact I know of at least one great artist who did cry over his work, ingres… one of my favorites.

14

C’mon, don’t make me get out the old:

“Great art is never finished only abandoned”

line.

The day you are totally satisfied is the day you will stop. That’s the way life works.

[edit]

Just looked up the picture you mentioned, it is good. He caught even the asymmetrices in his face. The mouth is particularly well done. He obviously saw simply what was there, rather than what he wanted to be there, or feared there was not. Perhaps in this situation of yours, you should do the same…?

15

Yes. :slight_smile:

That is the most fundamental belief any artist should have. It’s trying to strip away what you mind wants, and what really exist. So many of the great masters were able to capture personalities of people, the day I can do that I will much happier.

This idea holds true, we try to symbolize things with our minds. Little kids, and even sometimes doctors when asked to draw, uses symbols for facial features. The ole oval eye, three UUU nose, the M for the upper lip, C for the bottom.

16

This all sounds very male advice…personally, i would like the picture heh i would probably have a conversation with her and if it’s a good long conversation bout many things you can finish it with, ‘hey you on facebook? Just incase i need a solid opinion’ or something, she’ll probably say yes…etc etc
just gotta prove romance isn’t dead…with out being creepy. for an example of creepy listen to TSOL- “code blue” lol

17

Jim Morrison wrote:

“More or less, we’re all afflicted with the psychology of the voyeur. Not in a strictly clinical or criminal sense, but in our whole physical and emotional stance before the world. Whenever we seek to break this spell of passivity, our actions are cruel and awkward and generally obscene, like an invalid who
has forgotten how to walk.”
[The Lords.]

18

It’s hard keeping such a story straight, but I liked this girl ‘alex’ she was the one I did the portrait for and liked, and we were and still are good friends. The question I had earlier that included facebook was me being interested in her friend amanda. But amanda is just an example, they’re are many other girls as well. I’ve tried saying “hey hows it goin?” and such but i’ve had it not work a few times. Im not bad appearance wise, so I don’t understand why some of these girls never reply back to try and get to know me. It’s like they think they know the type, and I’d like to tell them i’m not but then again that is weird and so insecure sounding that they may believe that actually is the case. It’s a lose lose situation.

It could just be my imagination, but it seems alot of girls just like being single and are scared of getting involved so they never open up conversations to anyone but those ‘friend’ zone guys.

19

first off, it’s probably not your imagination, girls do think they know the type, it’s just a fact, well most girls i know do it, so I’d say, if they aren’t interested in who you are, they’re probably not the best bet. you can convince someone you’re a friend but i don’t think you can convince someone they love you.

secondly, i think that girls don’t always want to be single, do you want to be single? is it different for a single guy to feel alone than it is for a single girl to feel alone? i don’t think so. i think it’s down to the individual, some guys ‘play the field’ some girls do, don’t take it personally. and vice versa.

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