Uncle vernon, uncle vernon, independent as a hog on ice
He’s a big shot down there at the slaughterhouse
Plays accordion for mr. weiss
Uncle biltmore and uncle william
Made a million during world war two
But they’re tightwads and they’re cheapskates
And they’ll never give a dime to you
Auntie mame has gone insane
She lives in the doorway of an old hotel
And the radio is playing opera
All she ever says is go to hell
Uncle violet flew as a pilot
And there ain’t no pretty girls in france
Now he runs a tiny little bookie joint
They say he never keeps it in his pants
Uncle bill will never leave a will
And the tumor is as big as an egg
He has a mistress, she’s puerto rican
And I heard she has a wooden leg
Uncle phil can’t live without his pills
He has emphysema and he’s almost blind
And we must find out where the money is
Get it now before he loses his mind
Uncle vernon, uncle vernon, independent as a hog on ice
He’s a big shot down there at the slaughterhouse
He plays accordion for mr. weiss
I always used to play that song on my old radio show. I hope that you like it.
The piano has been drinking
My necktie’s asleep
The combo went back to New York, and left me all alone
The jukebox has to take a leak
Have you noticed that the carpet needs a haircut?
And the spotlight looks just like a prison break
And the telephone’s out of cigarettes
As usual the balcony’s on the make
And the piano has been drinking, heavily
The piano has been drinking
And he’s on the hard stuff tonight
The piano has been drinking
And you can’t find your waitress
Even with the Geiger counter
And I guarantee you that she will hate you
From the bottom of her glass
And all of your friends remind you
That you just can’t get served without her
The piano has been drinking
The piano has been drinking
And the lightman’s blind in one eye
And he can’t see out of the other
And the piano-tuner’s got a hearing aid
And he showed up with his mother
And the piano has been drinking
Without fear of contradiction I say
The piano has been drinking
Our Father who art in ?
Hallowed by thy glass
Thy kindom come, thy will be done
On Earth as it is in the lounges
Give us this day our daily splash
Forgive us our hangovers
As we forgive all those who continue to hangover against us
And lead us not into temptation
But deliver from evil and someone you must all ride home
Because the piano has been drinking
And he’s your friend not mine
Because the piano has been drinking
And he’s not my responsibility
The bouncer is this Sumo wrestler
Kinda cream puff casper milk toast
And the owner is just a mental midget
With the I.Q. of a fencepost
I’m going down, hang onto me, I’m going down
Watch me skate across an acre of linoleum
I know I can do it, I’m in total control
And the piano has been drinking
And he’s embarassing me
The piano has been drinking, he raided his mini bar
The piano has been drinking
And the bar stools are all on fire
And all the newspapers were just fooling
And the ash-trays have retired
And I’ve got a feeling that the piano has been drinking
It’s just a hunch
The piano has been drinking and he’s going to lose his lunch
And the piano has been drinking
Not me, not me, The piano has been drinking not me
Everybody knows that the dice are loaded
Everybody rolls with their fingers crossed
Everybody knows that the war is over
Everybody knows the good guys lost
Everybody knows the fight was fixed
The poor stay poor, the rich get rich
That’s how it goes
Everybody knows
Everybody knows that the boat is leaking
Everybody knows that the captain lied
Everybody got this broken feeling
Like their father or their dog just died
Everybody talking to their pockets
Everybody wants a box of chocolates
And a long stem rose
Everybody knows
Everybody knows that you love me baby
Everybody knows that you really do
Everybody knows that you’ve been faithful
Ah give or take a night or two
Everybody knows you’ve been discreet
But there were so many people you just had to meet
Without your clothes
And everybody knows
Everybody knows, everybody knows
That’s how it goes
Everybody knows
Everybody knows, everybody knows
That’s how it goes
Everybody knows
And everybody knows that it’s now or never
Everybody knows that it’s me or you
And everybody knows that you live forever
Ah when you’ve done a line or two
Everybody knows the deal is rotten
Old black joe’s still pickin’ cotton
For your ribbons and bows
And everybody knows
And everybody knows that the plague is coming
Everybody knows that it’s moving fast
Everybody knows that the naked man and woman
Are just a shining artifact of the past
Everybody knows the scene is dead
But there’s gonna be a meter on your bed
That will disclose
What everybody knows
And everybody knows that you’re in trouble
Everybody knows what you’ve been through
From the bloody cross on top of calvary
To the beach of malibu
Everybody knows it’s coming apart
Take one last look at this sacred heart
Before it blows
And everybody knows
Everybody knows, everybody knows
That’s how it goes
Everybody knows
Oh everybody knows, everybody knows
That’s how it goes
Everybody knows
I’m leavin’ my fam’ly
Leavin’ all my friends
My body’s at home
But my heart’s in the wind
Where the clouds are like headlines
On a new front page sky
My tears are salt water
And the moon’s full and high
And I know Martin Eden’s
Gonna be proud of me
And many before me
Who’ve been called by the sea
To be up in the crow’s nest
Singin’ my say
Shiver me Timbers
‘Cause I’m a-sailin’ away
And the fog’s liftin’
And the sand’s shiftin’
I’m driftin’ on out
Ol’ Captain Ahab
He ain’t got nothin’ on me, now.
So swallow me, don’t follow me
I’m trav’lin’ alone
Blue water’s my daughter
'n I’m gonna skip like a stone
So please call my missus
Gotta tell her not to cry
‘Cause my goodbye is written
By the moon in the sky
Hey and nobody knows me
I can’t fathom my stayin’
Shiver me timbers
‘Cause I’m a-sailin’ away
And the fog’s liftin’
And the sand’s shiftin’
I’m driftin’ on out
Ol’ Captain Ahab
He ain’t got nothin’ on me
So come and swallow me, follow me
I’m trav’lin’ alone
Blue water’s my daughter
'n I’m gonna skip like a stone
And I’m leavin’ my family
Leavin’ all my friends
My body’s at home
But my heart’s in the wind
Where the clouds are like headlines
Upon a new front page sky
And shiver me timbers
‘Cause I’m a-sailin’ away
The Ghosts of Saturday Night
(After Hours at Napoleone’s Pizza House)
A cab combs the snake,
Tryin’ to rake in that last night’s fare,
And a solitary sailor
Who spends the facts of his life
like small change on strangers…
Paws his inside P-coat pocket
for a welcome twenty-five cents,
And the last bent butt from a package of Kents,
As he dreams of a waitress with Maxwell House eyes
And marmalade thighs with scrambled yellow hair.
Her rhinestone-studded moniker says, “Irene”
As she wipes the wisps of dishwater blonde from her eyes
And the Texaco beacon burns on,
The steel-belted attendant with a ‘Ring and Valve Special’…
Cryin’ “Fill’er up and check that oil”
“You know it could be a distributor and it could be a coil.”
The early mornin’ final edition’s on the stands,
And that town cryer’s cryin’ there with nickels in his hands.
Pigs in a blanket sixty-nine cents,
Eggs - roll 'em over and a package of Kents,
Adam and Eve on a log, you can sink 'em damn straight,
Hash browns, hash browns, you know I can’t be late.
And the early dawn cracks out a carpet of diamonds
Across a cash crop car lot
filled with twilight Coupe Devilles,
Leaving the town in the keeping
Of the one who is sweeping
Up the ghosts of Saturday night…