But the story goes something like this, (the girl is me, but to keep the story simple and short I’m using girl and boy)
The girl have a crush on a guy, watches him for a long time and then confesses her feelings for him. But he outright rejects her, she move away to a different place. 2 years later the guy apologizes for hurting her feelings because one of the girls friends brought it up, and he said he hated all girls in general and didn’t want a relationship earlier because of his previous issue with another girl. The girl feels good but hears another news in which he say “I have no interest in that female” which was unnecessary but somehow the girl knows about him and cuts all kinds of contact with the guy or any of her old friends, because not only is she deeply hurt and unable to move on but came into realization that she for a second there fell for his apologizes and still have feelings for him.The entire world considers her pathetic and suggests that she moves on and its taking her a long time to heal. But the girl believes in moving on in her own time and phase. Recently she saw pictures of him dating someone else and is devastated.
Now the girl really wants to move on because she is feeling sorry for herself, and wondering why did this happen to her. She is desperately wanting to rationalize her meaning on this earth and looking for ways to fill the void in her life. If someone else was in her shoes, how would you rationalize your existance and work your way to build self esteem? Or how am I supposed to rationalize it from his perspective, should I buy his story.
I guess the girl still has some hope for being in relation with the guy, somewhere in her mind.
With the hope, there is desire, also not so conscious, but still present.
I don’t think “rationalizing” would work.
I don’t think “filling the void” would work, either.
I think being honest with your subconscious hope and desire would be the quickest method.
And it may mean getting in contact with the guy again, and confessing, and so on.
It can be highly embarrassing and possibly very devastating.
But as long as you turn away from your subconscious hope/desire, it often remains and it may try to surface on every occasion.
The repression effort like “rationalizing” and all sort of escapism like “filling void” will usually fail because they will simply try to push the hope/desire into deeper region of the mind and it will remain intact, there.
Now, other than chasing the guy, again, feeling the feeling, instead of trying to “rationalizing” and convert into other form, and facing the void and stay with it instead of trying to fill it up with substitute and escapism, would be the alternative.
Once learned, being brutally honest with any negative feeling/sensation is highly effective healing method for lots of things, including emotional wounds and even physical one in some cases.
So, I’d suggest concentrating on own feeling and sensation rather than many other things like “his story”.
How you feel is more important for you to feel better than if something is truth or is someone is saying truth, and so on.
And we need to face and feel things we don’t like to get over with them, in my opinion.
Otherwise, you are keeping it (in original form or in some other form), somewhere in you, most probably.
I get the idea but I have some thoughts and questions on some points:
You said being honest with your subconscious, I don’t really see how confessing to the guy about feelings and telling how deeply it hurt would help in anyway, it may be the girls denial speaking, but really what could she say to the guy “even after you ended things I have feelings for you, and sorry about that I don’t know how to cope with it”, that’s really confronting the issue which would lead to the guy feeling sympathy for her and she feeling pathetic about herself. I’m really using the term boy/girl here because I have said this story out to so many people to rationalize it, that now attempting to still rationalize it make me look pathetic. Sorry.
And you are right about it resurfacing at every occasion it gets, and that thoughts build up making things worst.I have tried facing my feelings by writing down things that run in my head at the times I experience overwhelming emotions thinking about what happened, and how I have ended up now, unable to feel anything and numb myself by rationalizing and escaping by cutting out contacts. I see why you say scrutinizing and being honest with my own feelings is important, but once I do that then what do I go back to rationalizing or filling the void. Whats the next step.
It seams you/she conjured up love within yourself and towards this guy and it was unrequited. That love wont go away as it takes time and during that time your hopes were got up, and so the love was extended. Think of it as if in a container rather than belonging to or directed toward him, that love is within you!
So now go and date some chaps and when you find one who seams to have his own vessel filled [or potentially [he desires a meaningful relationship and show affection towards you]], then aim your lovin’ arrows at him.
Love can be like either a blown up balloon or a withered up one [or apathetic [in-between]], it is imperative that you are careful with your choice of air-pumps. It is better to let love happen as you get to know someone, or it can be a shock to the other person who up until that point had not been harbouring love towards you.
The whole trick is in having two balloons blow up together.
You need to ask yourself what purpose is being served, how are you being served - by holding onto something that was never, in actuality, there in the first place.
We are all, at times, attracted to people and sometimes get rejected.
The only thing that is actually ‘real’ here, to be looked at, is what you continue to get out of this relationship which actually never was and is mostly built or created within your own mind. What is the pain bringing to you?
When you discover this, you may be able to let go.
Aside from that, you need to realize that you deserve to be happy and deserve to be in a ‘real’ relationship.
Sorry. I didn’t notice your response.
I don’t know if you are still around, but I’ll write what I think.
Well, the honest I talked about is more important for yourself.
I mean, if you feel pathetic, well, fell pathetic.
Although this is EXTREMELY difficult, it’s better if you an simply continue to feel whatever the feeling WITHOUT denying nor affirming it.
As this is usually too difficult, you may want to try easier approach, at first.
One way is writing down your feeling, as a memo, poem, sketch, etc.
It’s to get used to “negative” feeling, gradually.
If you can feel safe and/or comfortable in somewhere or with someone, you can start in the easier environment.
Hmmm, in this case, I think you are somewhat “amplifying” the feeling with the thought.
I mean, you might be over focusing on the matter.
When it happens, you see the focused thing much bigger than when the focus isn’t there or not so strong/persistent.
If it’s too much, back off and disengage. It’s OK to take the distance.
You can even run away, if you want, for a while.
But it’s better if you stay still and slowly back off and recollect yourself, so to say.
It’s like playing with a big (and somewhat scary dog).
When you try to ignore or run away. it chases you.
In a way, it just want your attention and play with you.
But you are not used to that kind of animal, and it scary and it hurts, too.
If you take some distance and stay still, long enough, it will usually calm down, too.
And you can approach slowly to feel it from closer distance, when you are ready.
If it’s too much, back off slowly, again.
If you continue to stay with it, you will see the change in both you and its appearance/feeling.
It may help you to feel/locate body sensation associated with it (which may change).
It may feel like physical pain, too, or you may have actual aches and muscular reaction and tense area or cramps, sometime.
Just get used to as much as you can take when they come up, and when you have time and energy to face them.
Keep doing and you will be more comfortable with so many things.
But it may take lots of time and quiet effort.
If you want quick fix, you can jump into the void and get totally numb.
You might become insane, but it may shake off lots of things, very quickly.
You will feel lighter.
You can always eat chocolates and ice cream, if it helps.
But make sure you have good dental insurance.
If you have a friend who doesn’t give you any advice but just stays with you, you can stay with her/him. It may help. It may help more than people (like me) who may tell you how to and what to do, and so on.
