Laziness/Confusion
On nebulous feelings and thoughts at 5:30 a.m.: Anna woke and told me we needed to have a ‘talk’ in the morning…
Lazy’s Problems
Stuff that, always, someone else sees better.
Little habits create problems, little problems, then bigger wider problems,
Like: all the simple things are unraveled.
So it gets hard to think, and do the not-simple things,
To walk and talk at the same time,
Like I used to do so well, back when I was gooder all around.
Ordereder all around.
It’s like I’ve developed tunnel vision, action, thinking,
All tunnels leading to a hazy and ubiquitous something-nothing,
All leading away from the scent of work, from the scratchy pang of reality.
Optimistic Depression
I have what I like to call an optimistic depression.
I function normally, if a bit unsocial
(but nothing too out-of-the-ordinary),
And create a happiness that is only a fake framework in my mind (or might it be real?)
So as to never cry, and never really feel bad at all, replaced by not-anxiety.
Just a dull not-feeling fueled by not-action and not-thinking and not-motivation;
Just a thin layering of self-protecting justification
To mask the shittiness I feel
About the fears I have
That are coming to life before my very eyes,
And in words from every corner – even Anna’s mouth.
Do I need Help? Can I be Helped? If not, why Not?
Old, Real Fears
The fears for my life that I created back in high school
That were then fueled by my parents
I am now acting out as if they were written on the sub/unconscious script of my life.
Why? And of the Ending?
Is this all because there is too much I don’t know?
Or because I know too much, creating clutter instead of clarity
(which means I don’t really know it in true-land)?
Or because I fail to see what is right before my eyes
Behind unopened doors (through refusal or ignorance) / in others’ preaching?
Or because I have heard too much preach
And can’t make out my own?
Do I get to rise above it in the end, forever,
Or just bob my head up every now and again to keep from drowning?
Will I see a bright light, and if I do,
Will I have lifted my own tint-taint preventing me from seeing
My own self? Hopefully, before all this somethingness becomes actual nothingness.