“I can think of no other hell than living itself” Trixie Z.
Well, it’s been a good ride. It’s ups and down. But nothing can change the brutal reality. Life isn’t hell? Life is good? Try telling that to a dog, who just got shot in the leg, and is limping off into the sunset, to bleed to death slowly. And this happens over and over again, every day.
And even the cost to nurse that dog is hell…8 years of medical school, 6 months of waiting on a cancer patient to wither and die. Putting in your effort, making their bed, changing their clothes, just to watch them die. What the hell is the point?
Make no mistake, this isn’t Nihilism. Nihilism would say that there is no such thing as pain, that pain isn’t real. Pain is real. My foot, aches. This is just frostbite. Frostbite is what happens in the wild. In war, people die of frostbite, meaningless deaths.
But life is not all bad. Life is good. Until you are consumed by ennui, whether it be from a meaningless job, or from not having a job. Rich resort to drugs to appease their unstable minds. Now we can sit there and pretend that it is all good, like Nihilists, saying pain isn’t really real, because it goes away.
But what about the pain that never goes away? I go to thinking…with my foot…what if hospitals and doctors didn’t exist? I could have this pain, for the rest of my life, in my sleep, with no rest, no respite, ever. A never ending pain for the rest of my life. How many others have experienced this? How many dogs in the wild, how many Native Americans, had frostbite, and a never ending pain for the rest of their life? I had dystonia for a short while, suffocating in my own fluids, my muscles so tense that I could no longer control them, my thoughts consumed with fear and bad feelings. I was a wretched zombie, and it wasn’t just the physical pain and inability to control my muscles that was the worst part of it. My mind was gone, I had a dystonic reaction to a medicine the doctor carelessly prescribed, he gave me Haldol, and forgot pair it with the countermedicine. All I could think about was that I would die and go to hell, litterally the meds made me consumed with these kinds of thoughts. All I could think about, was how bad of a person I was, and that I would die and go to hell. If that wasn’t enough, the med sapped me of all good moods and feelings I had, causing me to feel anhedonic about everything, with zero enthuisasm. It was beyond lethargy. Perhaps worse than even pain.
Now how many people are like this their whole lives? Completely mentally gone, with dystonia like wretched zombies, suffocating in their own fluids? The brain seems to be a network, designed to maximize the pain of the spiritual being. Why is it so many things can go wrong, but hardly anything can ever go right? Some people say it’s part of the learning experience, our mistakes, our failures. But what about other’s failures? What about all the people who let me down, all the people I truly loved, who rejected me? This same pain, repeated over and over again, through bad luck or the failure to communicate? How much of this do we smile and say, “that’s ok”? How long do we grin and bear it, the same repetitive pains being thrust on us for no reason, in some mindless, repetitive world that simply flushes and beats like an insane heart, unconscious of it’s own madness? How long until the unconscious processes, the unconscious people, make us drown in our own saliva? How long do we sit back while they pour chemicals in our food and pesticides in our fruits, making us dumb, weak, and sickly? How long do we grin and bear all the people who refuse to even make the slightest gesture of friendship or even make the slightest indication that they are civilized and care? The devil lurks in the void, laughing, but how long before even the devil gets tired of his own laughs? There is so much pain in this world, that even pain itself is in pain. What should I even end this with? I don’t know. Why are we here? I’ve heard it all before. How many millions of animals must be kept in slaughterhouses to feed our fat faces every day, endless pain for no reason, just to make one person happy for 5 minutes? What is this insane propogation of insanity, endless and insane birthing, endless mindless misery without cause. Why are we here? I’ve heard it all before. The positivity police, telling us to remain hopeful in spite of all things, adversity, be positive for the plan, except there is no plan, no light at the end of the tunnel, only certain death, certain pain. Why must it be like this? I’ve heard it all before.
What do you hate most about life?