Loneliness and the shocking:
(9/6/2006)
Hidden beside the widow’s wisdom,
Ever alert, peering from behind the thorns of the rose bushes.
Silent
With such intense eyes.
Asking by looking
Seeing by knowing
Calling by silence
Demanding something – by means of nothingness.
Asking to be somewhere, by means of being nowhere.
Demanding to belong to one worthy, by not having any belonging or worthiness.
Sinking slowly, year by year, deeper and deeper.
Loosing touch with itself.
Sleeping upon hidden noise.
Outwitted by logic and reason.
Left standing all by itself, upon a bench called vacuum
The will to avoid the void.
The power which was aversion to powerlessness.
The individual wanting to become more, through and within others.
He scares me…
Out of anyone I ever knew,
He scares me.
I see him and I remember it all.
So surfacing traumas lay lifeless in a sea of emotion,
As the hooks of awareness catch a few as they flow on passed the heart:
The core of sustainment.
Flowing towards god-knows-what,
For hell-knows-why,
'Till times come to an end.
He scares me.
I’ll scoop buckets of warm pain and soft confusion over myself,
Again and again,
So that I can feel what I once knew,
Yet it still is long-forgotten.
A poisoned dream came back as a night-mare;
It came to me.
It shocked me most – when it became a reality.
I missed its first state, so non-threatening and controlled, within me;
Now powerful, having a body of its own, which be stronger then mine?
He committed suicide over seven thousand times,
But after each death,
He arose from the death.
Each time, he remembered exactly what nothingness felt like.
He remembered how it felt to be lost and alone.
He never forgot.
Both the memories and the feelings rang clear,
As he had risen from the grave.
This sort of love – was not meant to feel good.
It is a time of pain and insanity.
It is a time in which the passed must finally face the present.
The unmitigated spiritual toxins now have a body to spill themselves into.
The curse must seal itself upon the witness of its own existence.
I’ll torture myself – in his name – to know.
Peace be with me, it’s going to be a long night.