Looking for help on a personal situation

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1

Here is a conversation between siblings (actually, Steve is a half sibling, the rest are full blooded). The Mom is 74 years old and can walk fine, Mary is thinking of the future. Steve lives an hour away from everyone, who all live close to mom.

Mary, Beth, Jocelyn and Steve are the siblings.

I would be curious if you can analyze this conversation and advise if Steve is being selfish, if Mary is justified in asking for money.

Mary:
My neighbor is selling a nice wheelchair for $50.00. Mom doesn’t want to buy it but I really think we should have one for her since she doesn’t do well with walking and won’t be able to walk around the zoo, mall etc much anymore. I wanted to know if each of you would pitch in for this and I’ll store in in our shed.? We can let other’s use it if needed but mainly for mom when the time is needed. I think Medicare covers them only if they are totally disabled.

Beth:
I don’t have money for that.

Steve
I don’t think we need it, we can get a wheel chair pretty cheap if needed. One on ebay is $41 currently

Beth:
skinney and light weight

Mary:
Steve-this is 50.00 and like new

Steve
Ok but we don’t even know if she will need one.

Mary:
Steve-I know but she gets tired easily and can use it now if someone takes her to the zoo or somewhere with alot of walking.

Mary:
Jocelyn and Steve-can you sent me $10.00 each toward the wheel chair please. I’ll store in the shed.

Steve:
I really don’t want to give $10 to something I don’t agree to Its not the money its the principle of the thing… Mom doesn’t want us to get it.

Mary:
Fine-but don’t borrow it when you take her to the zoo or long walking-you can rent one.
Jocelyn-if you pitch in the cost will be $16.00 each

Steve:
Aww cmon, you know I’d rent one if need be… you don’t gotta get all hot about it, its no big deal! But seriously, love ya.

Mary:
You are being selfish Steve-OF course Mom doens’t want one-who does when they get older. She gets tired easily with walking NOW so we will have this handy when the time comes to use for a few hours or a day. Medicare only covers if someone is totally disabled.

Steve:
I’m sorry I didn’t think I was being selfish or sounded like I was being selfish, its not like I’m going to make Mom walk if she can’t wallk! All I was saying is I understand mom can walk and doesn’t want a wheelchair… no matter what the cost when the time comes, I would be happy to pitch in to buy her a wheel chair if we needed to, even if we did have to pay $50 more for not getting it now… Its like one of those gas service deals, they’ll lock you in for a certain rate at a higher rate, and if regular gas prices exceed that you’ll come out on top, if not you’ll pay more. Its not like I don’t want mom to have a wheel chair if she needs it!

2

If Mary wants mom to have a wheelchair, then she should buy her one. If everyone comes up and says, “hey how much was that I wanna throw you back some cash on it, thanks for doing that for mom”, then maybe she gets more cash. Mary can’t judge people or sanction them for not being able to afford something. That’s unethical.

She also shouldn’t throw in the whole, “then don’t borrow it when you take mom to the zoo”. That’s just fucking insane. Taking away your mom’s wheelchair because your brother didn’t have $10 to put in on it, or whatever and so now the only one who really suffers is mom. Who the hell came up with that idea? Insanity.

On top of all this, did you know that the scooter store will commit medicare fraud, on your behalf, and get you one of those scooter things? Your mom would love that shit. Call them today.

3

If you just want another perspective…

If the mom really is walking fine and doesn’t have any foreseeable need for a wheelchair, I don’t think Steve’s reaction is at all morally questionable. Having said that, I also don’t think Mary’s reaction is at all morally questionable. Maybe no one is ultimately right or wrong here. It sounds like Mary might be around and caring for the mom on a regular basis. She might just be more worried or want feel prepared should a wheelchair contingency arrive. I really don’t understand how $50 is a ton of money for lower middle class incomes and above, but I could understand someone broaching the topic to others as a roundabout way of getting in touch with their siblings and at the same time seeking for help/advice. It’s just one of those situations where people ought to compromise and figure out what the other person really wants and help find a solution that’s good for all involved. Only thing I can say is…might not be the best time to stand firmly on principle. There might be more to consider.

4

Yeah, that is a bit overdramatic and – if she’s serious – quite petty. But in keeping with what I was saying, it’s easy to judge when all you have to take into account is a brief glimpse of a person and no real history or understanding of why they said what they said and what underlies it.

5

When you’re right, you’re right. Nothing is more morally hypocritical and downright stupid than trying to do a nice thing but demanding that others do it with you and then reducing the beneficial effects of the nice thing because those others refuse to participate…

6

Thanks for the responses so far. This has since continued. How should this be put to rest, any suggestions?

Mary:
She tested it out tonight and I bought it-we just paid more since you didn’t pitch in.

Steve:
Damn, you may as well have just demanded payment instead of asked to begin wtih.

Mary:
Steve you act like I’m asking for 100.00= really? Just drop it seriously
I was not asking your permission to buy it-I was asking for everyone to pitch in.

7

I’d just let your mom know you got her a wheelchair. And make sure it’s available for her to get around in. Then be happy that you did something good, and let that be your reward. No need to cause damage in the world by making the others feel bad. Ignoring the issue and dropping it, and thereby being the bigger person will burn them even harder anyway.

8

My opinion:

Mary sounds like an unintelligent busybody. The discussion is not about whether the wheelchair is necessary, but whether she can help her neighbours by buying the chair off them and help her mother at the same time and goodness I can’t possibly be a busybody I’m just helping people what’s wrong with helping? That her mother might not appreciate being reminded of her age and growing dependence, or might start acquiescing in her lack of autonomy, hasn’t occurred to Mary. She’s nice, so she is going to do what she wants.

Discussion won’t help. She may well not be bright enough to understand Steve’s point of view, and if she is, she will choose not to. Steve can either humour her, or ignore her and accept that she’ll feel justified in bitching him out to anyone who’ll listen. In any case, he’d probably be best off talking to his mother about how she feels, rather than wasting breath on Mary.

9

What does Mom have to say in all this?

10

Mom doesn’t want to be involved in these types of stupid arguments and I don’t blame her. So she doesn’t know.